Published on 12, July, 2020
Dear Everyone.
Brief bit about me cos I've not posted here before (I don't think!) - I've got Cerebral Palsy, Hydrocephalus, Dyspraxia and Aspergers. I look odd because of these, this has gotten me beaten up LOADS, mugged, burgled, all my teeth kicked out, permanent burn scars on my legs cos I got boiling water chucked over me by a coloured girl who didn't think someone disabled should be working in a day centre, many things. I've also been to specialist disability colleges where I had the exact same kinda treatment FROM THE OTHER DISABLED PEOPLE, which shows it's not just an able-bodied thing, if you look wrong, you're gonna get it perpetually from all sides. Over all these years - I'm 52 - I've never really had much in the way of conversations/positive interactions with anyone, family never knew what to 'do' with a disabled kid so they just kept me in the back room out the way. Sister still treats me like that, I've volunteered to do LOADS for them over the years and gotten turned down every time yet her b/f's allowed to do all I never was and I don't even get phonecalls from them any more, nor do they answer mine. (Or letters, E_mails....) So I've never really had friends or spoken to people face-to-face. Online it's different, my fingers can talk FAR better than my mouth can. And the whole setup's different, somehow, I find it far easier to finger-talk in Messenger than I ever do in real life. BUT....
I've kinda got a lady-friend. It's a very scary relationship because it usually flourishes most when she's broke and she knows I'm not. She'll happily spend all my benefits all day every day even if I can't afford to do it. Which is usually, because I'm trying to be good with money and save up a bit. She's on the spectrum too and when we're out and sitting down we try to have conversations but it's a farce, neither of us can do it, we just gawk at eachother, say stupid things through lack of knowing what else to say then she goes back to her place when she realises I'm not going to spend any more money on her that day. That's all it is. When she's broke, I get 'lurve'. When the money runs out, so does the 'lurve'! I DO get the idea there's supposed to be more to life than this, though, isn't there? I try talking to neurotypicals and they back away in droves! Like, I had one the other day take one look.... 'Censored hell, mate, where's your spaceship?' And he was wheelchair, you'd think he'd know better! But please, that aside....How do you have/keep up a conversation with a girl? I'd love to know if there's anything there for me other than me being a source of cash. I'd love to take her out more for company, not just because I pay for her to do stuff - we're on the same benefits just about so surely she could 'go Dutch' sometimes, rather than spend all hers in a few days and then rely on me? I don't mind being generous but there's limits? But more than anything, I'd love to know how to have conversations with others so I didn't feel so SCARED all the time. Even in my flat I feel so scared. Hate the fear, there has to be a way around it but I don't know it. Other than learning to communicate with my mouth as well as my fingers Can anyone help with tips? Examples? Things to do when BOTH sides are on the spectrum?
Yours respectfully
Chris.
What vicious apes most humans can be!
Actually I end up teaching social skills as part of my day job. These are often different in many other cultures and languages. The social and pragmatic side of social English involves never giving monosyllables, for example, not just 'yes'or 'no' or the surly sdolescent 'I dunno' but giving short answers such as 'Yes, I do,' or 'No, I haven't.' Then you are supposed to add or volunteer a little more, such as 'No I don't like tea. But I do like coffee.'
I hope that is not just stating obvious things. Finding common areas of interest obviously helps. It can be tiring to keep making conversation socially, I find.
Move on not in sorry
I'm sorry to hear about your troubles no one should gave gone through all of that. Re your friend. I've been there shes no friend. I would ditch her tbh. Now a days I've learnt I'd rather be on my own than with a fake friend after what ever they can take from me. You deserve more than that. So move in then find someone new if you need to
As others have said, sorry about your experiences. People are ****s (I'll do my own censoring thanks) Me and my boyfriend are both on the spectrum and sometimes, especially when we are both tired, conversation can run a little dry, but then we usually just have a nice cuddle and watch a film together. What kinds of things do you and your ladyfriend like doing? Usually the best thing to keep a conversation going is to take an interest in the other person and what they are interested in. I know this can be boring at times (my boyfriend's thing is cars) but actually if you are inquisitive and willing to learn you can find out about something new, and it's always nice to see the thing that makes somebody else light up. The other good thing to do to keep conversation going is to ask a lot of questions - but only if the other person is interested. If she is also on the spectrum you can always just ask her if you are boring her and she will probably be honest with you :p but as I said, sometimes just being with somebody is nice. There doesn't always have to be a conversation, just watch some TV together or read your respective books. You can always then chat about what is on TV or in your books. As for the money thing, you should try having a conversation with her about it. Obviously you should try to bring this up slightly delicately as she will be upset by a straight up accusation of using you for your money. There could be a number of reasons. 1. Maybe she is using you for your money (though it doesn't sound like it is much) 2. maybe she is just not thinking about it and doesn't realise that you can't afford it 3. Maybe she has old fashioned expectations about a man paying for everything that are not in agreement with your world view. 4. Maybe she is very bad at managing her own money and simply doesn't have any. I would suggest that you have a straight up conversation with her about money to see where you both stand. Ask her feelings, communicate your feelings and find solutions. You are good with money so you will know there are always cheap or free things you could do together. But don't carry on the way you are going, you will just end up feeling resentful and used.
You sound like you've had a terrible time. Good on you to pick yourself up and keep trying. Well done. I get terribly anxious when talking. Sometimes people stop talking to me other times they stay. Perhaps talk to everyone and anyone. If you go to the shop as the cashier ask how they are. Tell them a bit about your day. You bring tremendous value in each and every day. I've not tried it yet, maybe try reading books out loud, sing out loud, recite poetry and act it all out like you're the most famous star in the world.
Chris I don't have a great answer to your question but just wanted to let you know how strong you came across. You've been through a lot and are a really thoughtful person. You deserve good things. All the best.
Hi Chris, I'm really sorry to hear about he bad treatment you suffered. They shouldn't have behaved like that towards you. You seem like an amazing person! Please do join the forum more often, and I'm sure you'll find many people here who are friendly and understanding. I think it's awesome that you are trying to improve your face-to-face social skills. I have been trying to do the same thing too! I recently read "a field guide to earthlings" which is a book explaining how neurotypicals work to autistic people. I'm not sure what advice to give about girls. But I am also a bit concerned about she's spending your money like that. Since you are good at saving, could you encourage her to save her own money?
Hi Chris,
I’m really sorry about all the bad treatment that you have received all your life from other people. There’s absolutely no excuse for people to behave like that towards you!
If you want to improve your social skills and learn how to have conversations then I’d highly recommend ‘improve your social skills’ by Daniel Wendler. I’ve used it myself and that book is AMAZING! It’s basically a handbook of textbook social skills written out in black and white. The author is Aspie too so the books written in a way that is very easy to comprehend. I’ve recommended it to a few of my friends and they’ve found it really helpful too.
I’m quite concerned that your lady friend is only interested in spending time with you when you’re spending money on her! That doesn’t strike me as very fair! Someone should be with you because they like you and want to spend time with you, not just when you’re going to spend money on them!
Hi Chris
Sorry to hear of your experiences - it can't have been very nice.
I would suggest finding people who have similar interests to yours first - do you have any passions or interests that you like? Most aspies will be happy to talk all day about a common interest.
There's also Meetup.com which is a social site - not dating - where you can get together with others over lunch, cinema, dinners, bowling etc. It's low stress because no-one has any expectations from anyone else - it's just spending time with people. There's a chance that you can meet people on your wavelength.
I'm a little concerned about the way you say you get used - these people are not your friends. You really don't need to set your sights so low that people can abuse your good nature.