Published on 12, July, 2020
Dear Everyone.
Brief bit about me cos I've not posted here before (I don't think!) - I've got Cerebral Palsy, Hydrocephalus, Dyspraxia and Aspergers. I look odd because of these, this has gotten me beaten up LOADS, mugged, burgled, all my teeth kicked out, permanent burn scars on my legs cos I got boiling water chucked over me by a coloured girl who didn't think someone disabled should be working in a day centre, many things. I've also been to specialist disability colleges where I had the exact same kinda treatment FROM THE OTHER DISABLED PEOPLE, which shows it's not just an able-bodied thing, if you look wrong, you're gonna get it perpetually from all sides. Over all these years - I'm 52 - I've never really had much in the way of conversations/positive interactions with anyone, family never knew what to 'do' with a disabled kid so they just kept me in the back room out the way. Sister still treats me like that, I've volunteered to do LOADS for them over the years and gotten turned down every time yet her b/f's allowed to do all I never was and I don't even get phonecalls from them any more, nor do they answer mine. (Or letters, E_mails....) So I've never really had friends or spoken to people face-to-face. Online it's different, my fingers can talk FAR better than my mouth can. And the whole setup's different, somehow, I find it far easier to finger-talk in Messenger than I ever do in real life. BUT....
I've kinda got a lady-friend. It's a very scary relationship because it usually flourishes most when she's broke and she knows I'm not. She'll happily spend all my benefits all day every day even if I can't afford to do it. Which is usually, because I'm trying to be good with money and save up a bit. She's on the spectrum too and when we're out and sitting down we try to have conversations but it's a farce, neither of us can do it, we just gawk at eachother, say stupid things through lack of knowing what else to say then she goes back to her place when she realises I'm not going to spend any more money on her that day. That's all it is. When she's broke, I get 'lurve'. When the money runs out, so does the 'lurve'! I DO get the idea there's supposed to be more to life than this, though, isn't there? I try talking to neurotypicals and they back away in droves! Like, I had one the other day take one look.... 'Censored hell, mate, where's your spaceship?' And he was wheelchair, you'd think he'd know better! But please, that aside....How do you have/keep up a conversation with a girl? I'd love to know if there's anything there for me other than me being a source of cash. I'd love to take her out more for company, not just because I pay for her to do stuff - we're on the same benefits just about so surely she could 'go Dutch' sometimes, rather than spend all hers in a few days and then rely on me? I don't mind being generous but there's limits? But more than anything, I'd love to know how to have conversations with others so I didn't feel so SCARED all the time. Even in my flat I feel so scared. Hate the fear, there has to be a way around it but I don't know it. Other than learning to communicate with my mouth as well as my fingers Can anyone help with tips? Examples? Things to do when BOTH sides are on the spectrum?
Yours respectfully
Chris.
As others have said, sorry about your experiences. People are ****s (I'll do my own censoring thanks) Me and my boyfriend are both on the spectrum and sometimes, especially when we are both tired, conversation can run a little dry, but then we usually just have a nice cuddle and watch a film together. What kinds of things do you and your ladyfriend like doing? Usually the best thing to keep a conversation going is to take an interest in the other person and what they are interested in. I know this can be boring at times (my boyfriend's thing is cars) but actually if you are inquisitive and willing to learn you can find out about something new, and it's always nice to see the thing that makes somebody else light up. The other good thing to do to keep conversation going is to ask a lot of questions - but only if the other person is interested. If she is also on the spectrum you can always just ask her if you are boring her and she will probably be honest with you :p but as I said, sometimes just being with somebody is nice. There doesn't always have to be a conversation, just watch some TV together or read your respective books. You can always then chat about what is on TV or in your books. As for the money thing, you should try having a conversation with her about it. Obviously you should try to bring this up slightly delicately as she will be upset by a straight up accusation of using you for your money. There could be a number of reasons. 1. Maybe she is using you for your money (though it doesn't sound like it is much) 2. maybe she is just not thinking about it and doesn't realise that you can't afford it 3. Maybe she has old fashioned expectations about a man paying for everything that are not in agreement with your world view. 4. Maybe she is very bad at managing her own money and simply doesn't have any. I would suggest that you have a straight up conversation with her about money to see where you both stand. Ask her feelings, communicate your feelings and find solutions. You are good with money so you will know there are always cheap or free things you could do together. But don't carry on the way you are going, you will just end up feeling resentful and used.