REALLY need help learning how to 'do' conversation, fear is killing my life.

Dear Everyone.

Brief bit about me cos I've not posted here before (I don't think!) - I've got Cerebral Palsy, Hydrocephalus, Dyspraxia and Aspergers.  I look odd because of these, this has gotten me beaten up LOADS, mugged, burgled, all my teeth kicked out, permanent burn scars on my legs cos I got boiling water chucked over me by a coloured girl who didn't think someone disabled should be working in a day centre, many things. 

I've also been to specialist disability colleges where I had the exact same kinda treatment FROM THE OTHER DISABLED PEOPLE, which shows it's not just an able-bodied thing, if you look wrong, you're gonna get it perpetually from all sides.  Over all these years - I'm 52 - I've never really had much in the way of conversations/positive interactions with anyone, family never knew what to 'do' with a disabled kid so they just kept me in the back room out the way. Sister still treats me like that, I've volunteered to do LOADS for them over the years and gotten turned down every time yet her b/f's allowed to do all I never was and I don't even get phonecalls from them any more, nor do they answer mine. (Or letters, E_mails....)

So I've never really had friends or spoken to people face-to-face. Online it's different, my fingers can talk FAR better than my mouth can. And the whole setup's different, somehow, I find it far easier to finger-talk in Messenger than I ever do in real life. BUT....

I've kinda got a lady-friend.  It's a very scary relationship because it usually flourishes most when she's broke and she knows I'm not. She'll happily spend all my benefits all day every day even if I can't afford to do it. Which is usually, because I'm trying to be good with money and save up a bit. She's on the spectrum too and when we're out and sitting down we try to have conversations but it's a farce, neither of us can do it, we just gawk at eachother, say stupid things through lack of knowing what else to say then she goes back to her place when she realises I'm not going to spend any more money on her that day. That's all it is. When she's broke, I get 'lurve'. When the money runs out, so does the 'lurve'!

I DO get the idea there's supposed to be more to life than this, though, isn't there? I try talking to neurotypicals and they back away in droves! Like, I had one the other day take one look.... 'Censored hell, mate, where's your spaceship?' And he was wheelchair, you'd think he'd know better!  But please, that aside....

How do you have/keep up a conversation with a girl? I'd love to know if there's anything there for me other than me being a source of cash. I'd love to take her out more for company, not just because I pay for her to do stuff - we're on the same benefits just about so surely she could 'go Dutch' sometimes, rather than spend all hers in a few days and then rely on me? I don't mind being generous but there's limits?

But more than anything, I'd love to know how to have conversations with others so I didn't feel so SCARED all the time.  Even in my flat I feel so scared.  Hate the fear, there has to be a way around it but I don't know it.  Other than learning to communicate with my mouth as well as my fingers

Can anyone help with tips? Examples? Things to do when BOTH sides are on the spectrum?

Yours respectfully

Chris.