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Relationships with others on the spectrum

Jessicaaaaa

Hi everyone, 

I am a 17 year old girl and I am struggling a bit with relationships with boys - I am sorry if this is a bit TMI but I wanted to see if anyone else felt the same way.

Unlike a lot of my peers, I haven't done anything with the opposite sex, which I myself am fine about as I have no real desire or interest to. But I feel like I am being left behind from everyone else. I have high functioning autism and I put on a very good act to blend in with everyone ( very tiring!).  Is it okay/ normal to feel this way? I feel so incredibly weird and although my mum, who I love dearly, is so lovely about it I don't think she really understands.

I have met a lovely boy, he is very respectful but he, like any normal teen boy, is wanting to have sex. I feel awful and don't want to upset/disappoint him but I honestly do not know what to do! I am quite happy and fine to be on my own and just get on with life as it is hard enough without these extra stresses!

Any advice/ comments would be really welcomed x

  • It's hard (especially at your age) when you've got a lot of social pressure to do certain things for fear you're going to be 'left behind' or people are going to think you're weird/sad.

    But if you're fine by yourself, that is okay you know. Relationships are not a prerequisite to a successful happy life (much as society might try to push it as a measure of status and success). Tbh, not much is, except what makes YOU happy. That might not look like what other people think is successful or happy, but you're the one living your life so you're the one that gets to decide what you want your life to be like.

    I don't have relationships. I have had some short lived ones a while ago, but I think I've come to the conclusion it's just an added layer of complication I don't have the energy for. I've enough in my life without also having to manage someone else's feelings and needs. And to be honest, I just don't feel the need for a relationship, I am quite happy by myself. If other people think I'm weird, I really don't care (but learning not to care is something that's taken me quite a while to achieve...).

  • Never start a relationship, have sex, or even get involved with anyone, because you feel obliged. You can have all of those when you are ready, it's not a rite of passage, or requirement.

    Things never work out when your hearts not in it! You will know when it's the right time, or person. You might never want any of it!

    It's important to be happy with the situation and person, otherwise you can't both be happy. Hope it works out whatever you choose!

  • Hi Jessica,

    What you're describing sounds completely normal to me. I am 36 now but was once a 17 yr old struggling with relationships with boys (unfortunately I still struggle with them now!) and wish I had known I was autistic then, as I think I could have avoided a lot of very harmful experiences in relationships.

    I really relate to what you say about not wanting to upset or disappoint your boyfriend. But what I wish I had known a long time ago is that *your* desire has to be your guide, and if as you say, that is not what you want, it seems important that you tell him. It's possible that the relationship will end as a result but if he's as nice as you think, and given that your relationship is in its early stages, hopefully you will still be friends. And if he's unkind to you about it in any way, then he isn't so lovely after all and you're better off without him. It's great that you feel ok to be on your own, a good relationship with yourself is the most important one, it's for life after all!

    Wishing the best for you,

    A xx

  • You might find this useful: https://www.asexuality.org

    It's called the Asexual Visibility and Education Network. It's not just a community, but also has a purpose of education. I went to one of their workshops they held at my university. Not wanting to have sex is perfectly normal, but both of you need to understand how each of you feel, and what might be the reason. They have many different descriptors of possible types of relationships, some might consider themselves bi-romantic asexual, for example. I think these days, people are more accepting of diversity, and even if you associate with one label now, it doesn't mean a few years later you might discover that you associate better with a different label. Try to do some research in this area, and talk it out with your boyfriend, and try to work out what suits you two best. Some people are happy continuing being friends, even though they might not want to continue a sexual relationship. 

  • I think the advice would be very similar to that which I would give my daughter or anyone NT. I think this is a life problem for everyone. Do what you are comfortable with and want to do. Do not do anything you are not comfortable with or do not want to do. I have navigated to and aligned with people that I feel comfortable with. I had a few relationships that just weren't right and didn't work out. And, yes, many young boys are only interested in that. It is not what makes a relationship, so look for people that you feel comfortable with, enjoy being with and feel like your soul mate. Fortunately after around 25 years on this planet I found my soul mate and it's been fab since then.

    Definitely never get pressured into anything and do not gauge this on what others are doing, ever... Life lesson... Be yourself as you have to judge yourself. Nobody else will judge what you have done at the end of it all except you. 

    Unfortunately most of the learning about what is the right person or not is purely down to your judgement, ASD or not...