Published on 12, July, 2020
No kidding.
On my 48th birthday, I was diagnosed with Asperger's. What a waste. If I had known that years ago, perhaps things could have been in place to do something. However, far from an angelic shout and great awakening, I work anti-social hours washing dishes. What's the point? I've always been into creativity, as I can't socialise or play sports etc, and hit high grades in Uni and paint and draw and now want to get n acoustic guitar and learn how to read music as this seems more important than just slogging away for basic rate and paying bills, and one night a week down the pub and a pizza delivered for a weekend treat. However, I am single with no kids and going nowhere. My art is not good enough to take over the world - my Asperger's seems to give me the dream whilst taking away it's ability at the same time. I cry at any celebrations as I cannot join in, from weddings to live music. It seems childish to say it's not fair, but - it's not fair.
And it's also pointless to try, as it's always failure as an outcome.
The weight and emptiness of the future is too much.
So- what's the point? If you've been forced into a game that you were going to lose in the first place, what's the point in carrying on?
Hi, I was diagnosed with Asperger's last December, a couple of weeks before my 38th Birthday. I have on occasion felt regret that I wasn't diagnosed as a child, although on reflection I'm at a better life stage and in a better head space to be able to deal with it now. I have had the odd 'blip' since diagnosis where my anxiety levels have mushroomed, but they tend to be short lived. Having Asperger's does not mean losing at anything. In fact for me it simply pointed out where I had been going wrong my whole life so I changed track in response to that.
Learning the acoustic guitar seems like a good idea. I've tried before but it's not for me!
Can I suggest that you speak with your GP about how you are feeling post diagnosis and ask them to refer you to your local autism services, hopefully they will be able to assist you. It might also be worth finding out if their are any local Asperger's or Autism social clubs that you could attend to meet other people with the same condition?
There are a lot of positives to being "alone" - you are free to live however you choose, you aren't tied down to anything. It's easy to think other people's lives are happier than our own, especially if you follow social media (which I don't) but the reality is everyone struggles, everyone needs help sometimes. We don't all need to live our lives the same way. Personally, I couldn't think of anything worse than being married with children. I like to be free to decide what I want to do with my life.
You sound lost. When I have been lost in the past I looked for something new. For me, and maybe for you from what you have said, a lot of things don't work out, sometimes because I lose patience to stick at it long enough to reach that level where you are satisfied with your achievements. Then there are things which I simply don't gel with. I would say, keep moving, keep trying new things, keep looking for that thing that works. Although I still don't stick at anything long enough to be really good, I have found some long term sources of happiness, which I switch between randomly, and it is worthwhile finding them.
It is out there, but it sounds like you haven't found it yet. Keep looking. Don't give up. Good luck. Failure is not always the outcome...
Hi, I received my Asperger's diagnosis this year at age 49.
One thing that has helped me in dealing with my almost constantly changing emotions is reading a book recommended on this forum.
The author has gone through a similar set of emotions as you are currently feeling so this may help.
Last week I was planning my suicide. Today I feel peaceful and almost.. happy. Yes. I am not bipolar. I am just saying it will pass.
Dear NAS49919,
I’m sorry to hear you are going through such a tough time, I’m pleased you’ve found this forum to be able to share how you feel. Many people have similar thoughts when coping with so much and we hope you’re okay. Please keep sharing your thoughts and feelings with others in this forum, it is a very warm community, I’m sure you’ll be welcomed and appreciated. There are also moderators on here at least once a day so between the community members and moderators most posts are usually replied to within a day.
If you are unable to cope with the distress or despair, it’s very important to tell someone about your feelings or thoughts of suicide. Call your GP and make an urgent appointment. Your GP can make sure you get appropriate help and support.
As Lagrangian says, if it’s outside your GP hours you can call 111 to reach the NHS 111 service: http://www.nhs.uk/NHSEngland/AboutNHSservices/Emergencyandurgentcareservices/Pages/NHS-111.aspx
It is frustrating to hear you couldn’t get through to Samaritans, but it might be worth trying them again, if you can get through they will provide confidential non-judgemental emotional support, it is supposed to be 24 hours a day on 116 123, or by email on jo@samaritans.org.
MIND have information pages on coping with self harm or suicidal feelings based on the experiences of people who’ve been through it that you may find helpful.
If you do find you are very close to doing something to hurt yourself - please call 999 now or go to your nearest A&E department. There should be someone there to support you and make sure you get ongoing support.
If you need help with an autism related issue, our helpline can be emailed via webform https://www.autism.org.uk/services/helplines/main/questions.aspx or they’re open Monday to Thursday 10am-4pm and Friday 9am-3pm on 0808 800 4104.
Wishing you all the best,
Heather - Mod
I have been wrong from the start. That is unfair,
I am cancer, I am pollution. I please no one, and no one can please me. What sort of a life is this?
It just doesn't seem worthwhile. A load of workmates went out today - I cannot join them. I sit in a room with curtains closed.
Thanks. But there is nothing that can make up for being Aspie? I know kids from school, and they all are now parents and still do the football thing. I am alone. What positives is there in that? If I could lose everything, but be a great painter or writer, then fair enough - balance would be achieved. But to be Aspie and be a loser, that seems so unfair. I cling to ideas that I might be suffering for a reason, but... it's been fifty years mate. Awesome? I'd rather die in my sleep tonight, to be honest.
Hi NAS49919, are you recently diagnosed? Sometimes it can be a lot to take in. And sometimes it can take really long time before you come to terms with the diagnosis, and this is preceded with a rollercoaster of emotions. Firstly, there is no timetable of "life goals", or even a table of them (if that makes sense). It's not going to make you happy comparing yourself to others. Instead, focus on what makes you happy. Keep drawing and painting. Keep sketchbooks and draw through whatever it is you're thinking. Have you heard of Deviant art? There are lots of similar websites where you can upload your art and sell it. If it's your passion, just keep going with it. It makes you happy and that's the most important thing. How about using that creativity and skill in volunteering? You'd get to meet lots of new people. It's also very rewarding being able to pass on or inspire creativity in others. It may even lead into paid employment in something that you would value more than your current job. Something a lot of aspies have in common is needing to do something meaningful with their lives. Another suggestion is try to think about the positives rather than negatives. It's easy to think negatively of your situation, or of Asperger's, because we are always taught from an NT perspective. But switch this around and think of all the positives, write them down, make lists. It sounds silly, and it may be difficult at first, but it does help. And it will help you to go easier on yourself. Anything is possible. Especially for us apsies (because we're just that awesome)