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Crying and Suicide

NAS49919

No kidding.

On my 48th birthday, I was diagnosed with Asperger's. What a waste. If I had known that years ago, perhaps things could have been in place to do something. However, far from an angelic shout and great awakening, I work anti-social hours washing dishes. What's the point? I've always been into creativity, as I can't socialise or play sports etc, and hit high grades in Uni and paint and draw and now want to get n acoustic guitar and learn how to read music as this seems more important than just slogging away for basic rate and paying bills, and one night a week down the pub and a pizza delivered for a weekend treat. However, I am single with no kids and going nowhere. My art is not good enough to take over the world - my Asperger's seems to give me the dream whilst taking away it's ability at the same time. I cry at any celebrations as I cannot join in, from weddings to live music. It seems childish to say it's not fair, but - it's not fair.

And it's also pointless to try, as it's always failure as an outcome.

The weight and emptiness of the future is too much.

So- what's the point? If you've been forced into a game that you were going to lose in the first place, what's the point in carrying on?

  • Hi, I was diagnosed with Asperger's last December, a couple of weeks before my 38th Birthday. I have on occasion felt regret that I wasn't diagnosed as a child, although on reflection I'm at a better life stage and in a better head space to be able to deal with it now. I have had the odd 'blip' since diagnosis where my anxiety levels have mushroomed, but they tend to be short lived. Having Asperger's does not mean losing at anything. In fact for me it simply pointed out where I had been going wrong my whole life so I changed track in response to that.

    Learning the acoustic guitar seems like a good idea. I've tried before but it's not for me! 

    Can I suggest that you speak with your GP about how you are feeling post diagnosis and ask them to refer you to your local autism services, hopefully they will be able to assist you. It might also be worth finding out if their are any local Asperger's or Autism social clubs that you could attend to meet other people with the same condition?

  • You sound lost. When I have been lost in the past I looked for something new. For me, and maybe for you from what you have said, a lot of things don't work out, sometimes because I lose patience to stick at it long enough to reach that level where you are satisfied with your achievements. Then there are things which I simply don't gel with. I would say, keep moving, keep trying new things, keep looking for that thing that works. Although I still don't stick at anything long enough to be really good, I have found some long term sources of happiness, which I switch between randomly, and it is worthwhile finding them.

    It is out there, but it sounds like you haven't found it yet. Keep looking. Don't give up. Good luck. Failure is not always the outcome...

  • Hi, I received my Asperger's diagnosis this year at age 49.

    One thing that has helped me in dealing with my almost constantly changing emotions is reading a book recommended on this forum. 

    The author has gone through a similar set of emotions as you are currently feeling so this may help.

  • Dear NAS49919,

    I’m sorry to hear you are going through such a tough time, I’m pleased you’ve found this forum to be able to share how you feel. Many people have similar thoughts when coping with so much and we hope you’re okay.  Please keep sharing your thoughts and feelings with others in this forum, it is a very warm community, I’m sure you’ll be welcomed and appreciated. There are also moderators on here at least once a day so between the community members and moderators most posts are usually replied to within a day. 

    If you are unable to cope with the distress or despair, it’s very important to tell someone about your feelings or thoughts of suicide. Call your GP and make an urgent appointment. Your GP can make sure you get appropriate help and support.

    As Lagrangian says, if it’s outside your GP hours you can call  111  to reach the NHS 111 service:   http://www.nhs.uk/NHSEngland/AboutNHSservices/Emergencyandurgentcareservices/Pages/NHS-111.aspx 

    It is frustrating to hear you couldn’t get through to Samaritans, but it might be worth trying them again, if you can get through they will provide confidential non-judgemental emotional support, it is supposed to be 24 hours a day on 116 123, or by email on jo@samaritans.org.

    MIND have information pages on coping with self harm or suicidal feelings based on the experiences of people who’ve been through it that you may find helpful. 

    If you do find you are very close to doing something to hurt yourself - please call 999 now or go to your nearest A&E department. There should be someone there to support you and make sure you get ongoing support.

    If you need help with an autism related issue, our helpline can be emailed via webform https://www.autism.org.uk/services/helplines/main/questions.aspx or they’re open Monday to Thursday 10am-4pm and Friday 9am-3pm on 0808 800 4104. 

    Wishing you all the best,

    Heather - Mod