Why do people think it's OK to be autistic?

Also having a baby doesn't 'fix' whatever situation, feelings or thoughts you are struggling with - if anything it may add to them.  Having pure love for a child doesn't irradiate all the other problems life throws at us.

Ok. To be fair I think an Autistic brain tends to be a lot more efficient than an NT brain.

I think there is a lot of hype and idealization around having a baby.  It's what we are 'meant to do' or some rubbish like that.  I tried to have this nonsense brainwashed into me as a girl and young woman, but deep down I knew this wasn't the right thing for me - I was criticized heavily for it, called selfish and was often informed that it was my duty (Margaret Atwood was onto something!).

However, looking back, not having children was one of the best decisions I ever made in life and I now look at people who I grew up with who are supposedly 'living the dream' with the 2.4 children and they look miserable.  You could argue I am not the best placed to cast an opinion on this matter, but before you decide to have children I would first make sure you have a stable environment and support, as raising a kid is no easy task and then I would have a long hard think about whether having a child is to prove something, or because you truly want to experience the joy of raising a child.

Remember no child asks to come into this world, so it is imperative we make it as understanding and supportive for them as possible.

We're non-identical but we've led the same life and schooling, same friends, same experiences etc.

That must be kind of odd to be completely alike in every way except your neurology?

I'm a twin so I have a direct comparison between the ND & NT version of myself.   I prefer me.

I think that whether or not a person thinks it is ok to be Autistic depends very much on the individual person and their situation and circumstances. I don’t perceive that being autistic makes me defective, it just means that my brain works differently to most people’s brains. Who do you feel is judging you? Are there any particular people that you feel are not being accepting or supportive? I don’t feel that being autistic makes me less of a woman either, I’m still a woman. It’s a condition that affects both genders, it just presents differently in women. I think it’s normal to struggle with your sense of identity after being diagnosed, I have too, but we’re still the same person that we always have been.

I'm sure you would.  Who wouldn't love a baby?  But the reality is often very different from the idea.  I think you would be a very loving mother.  So why couldn't you first of all be a very loving partner?  Give yourself some time and space, please.  Don't rush into anything. 

What kind of person do you think I am? I'd love my baby. Inferring that I'd get bored of my own child is horrible. 

Well said.  Wise words, Sickle Moon

Hi again Sickle Moon. I used to believe nobody would ever put up with me, nobody would ever want my love. I realise now it was down to past experiences and low self esteem. As I got a bit older, the bad experiences and abuse mounted up, but you don’t have to add any more to yours any more than I have to to mine. I would have made a loyal, loving wife and mother. I just needed to believe in my own worth. Being diagnosed in my 60s has made me realise that. So the Autism awareness I have now has enabled me to be a proper person, a human, and a female one as well. If I could still reproduce, I would even make a good mother now, something I would not have been whilst I had such low self esteem and Post Traumatic Stress reactions to life. I do hope you can find support to help you realign your feelings. I admit I have had counselling lately from a psychologist who understands many aspects of Autism. It’s on the NHS, so your GP or other health care providers could refer you to a service near you. And you can see a woman, and find one who you can trust. Try asking for the support you need. I hope you find a way forward, as you are a valuable woman. One day you could become a wonderful partner and mother. 

i have no choice. I accept who I am, there is no point in denying it, it will just cause me more grief. Fortunately while i am limited in some ways i am very intelligent so that makes up for some of my difficulties.

People have different opinions and opinions on health matters and in particular so called mental dissabilities can be very out of date. Basically we have known what asperges for as long as I have been alive. Aspergers was established as a thing in 1983, information about my condition would never have reached my teachers in time to do me any good. I expect that at first only boys were diagnosed leaving girls to have a harder time as they struggled so it initially became known as a boys thing and that has stuck with people as more boys are identified but I think the actual spread is probably even.

Really? I don't know you so I can't put what you say into context. So are you prepared to bring up a child on your own baring in mind that it's father may want to have some say in the matter so choose wisely who you just happen to get pregant by.

Do you actually wnat a child or are you just trying to prove your a woman? Assuming you have, the erm, corresponding sexual organs you are a woman, no debate there.

Sickle Moon said:

No one would want a stable relationship with someone like me.

But you will force your child into a relationship with you without their consent?  I get the feeling you're only thinking of your own wants and not the impact of yourself on others - like a child that would depend on you for everything.  

What would you do if you get bored with a child and don't want a relationship with it anymore?

You can't know that.  If you believe it, then all you will ever get into is unstable relationships.  If, on the other hand, you believe that you are worthy of a stable relationship with a loving man, then that's what you could try to head towards.  So much of what you say is rooted in low self-esteem and self-worth.  You feel yourself to be a plaything, there for other people to do with as they wish.  But you aren't.  You have just as much right to respect and fair treatment as anyone else.  And to love, and be loved in return.  Try to look beyond the 'autistic' thing and try to see yourself as a human being first and foremost.  Because you are.

No one would want a stable relationship with someone like me.

No one is stealing your gender. Both men and women have aspergers. I have 2 female friends that are diagnosed with aspergers, one could not be more feminine. Aspergers is often thought of as a boys thing as it is easier to detect in boys, this is because boys are more socially awkward and immediately stand out when they struggle. Girls tend to do better socially so go undetected. The easiest way to spot aspergers in someone is social awkwardness.

Having a child will not make you more of a woman. You will have a child! are you prepared to look after a child? don't have a child just to prove you are a woman, it would do you no good and do no good to that child. If you really want a child it would be better to have one in a stable relationship so that it can grow up with a propper family.

Thank you all for all your replies. The question of me becoming a mother is a difficult one - it's a conversation for another day really but I take all of your points. The last thing I would ever want is for my child to be hurt or damaged emotionally, so I know I've got to be careful. The men I sleep with are a different story - most of them aren't respectful of me, they're rough with me and they hurt me, and they just take what they want and leave, so I feel angry towards them, to be honest. It's hard to imagine them wanting to know their child - they don't seem to have a caring bone in their body. I know feelings go deeper than this, but they don't seem to have much regard for how I feel, so...it's all very complicated.

It's annoying because I know all the things about women presenting differently and therefore being more difficult to diagnose, but I still think of it as a man's condition and I feel the diagnosis is an assault on my femininity. I can't seem to change the way I feel. Sometimes I get even more triggered by the idea of the different female presentation - like, I know there's a special separate test for females they suspect are on the spectrum, but with me, they used a standard test, which is probably one they used for boys. I just break all over again when I think about that.

Sickle Moon said:

I'm not in a relationship but I want to have a child as that would be proof I'm a woman, and no one can take that from me.

Wouldn't simply being loved by someone of the opposite sex (if you are heterosexual, which I assume you are) be enough to prove that you are a woman?

Sickle Moon said:

My own child would love me, too, and of course I'd love my child.

These aren't givens.  Parenthood can be extremely difficult and taxing even with two parents.  I'm sorry if this sounds patronising and paternalistic, but please take time to think through all the implications of what you are proposing.  You should want to have a baby because you want to have a baby, not because you want to prove you are a woman.  As others have said, too, don't presuppose that the father won't want to find out.  Or that the child won't eventually want to find out about the father.  Those questions can be very difficult to handle when they come, take it from me.  And children can so easily get stigmatised.  And as autistic people, we all know what stigma can feel like.

Hello Sickle Moon.  First of all, I'm sorry that you feel this way.  I must admit that I go through highs and lows with my condition.  A strong part of me is proud to be who I am, an autistic person, because I accept my autism as an immutable part of myself and who I am.  There is another side that periodically rears it's head, though, and makes me wish I'd never been born this way.  Usually it's when I find myself going through a negative experience, such as someone not properly understanding me, or when something has triggered me to have a meltdown.  Mostly, though, I have come to an acceptance of myself as a unique individual, just like every other unique individual, autistic or not.  The same as if I'd been born gay.  There isn't anything wrong with me intrinsically.  I'm just different.  That's how I have to look at it.  And if people reject me or judge me, then they're the sorts of people that I wouldn't want around me anyway.  I can't change the way I am.  But I can change the way I think about the way I am.  That's a hard one.  But it's something I've managed to do.  And I try to only associate myself with people who can accept me as I am.  It's true that men tend to get diagnosed with autism more often than women, but that doesn't make it a male condition.  Historically, it seems, women have been much harder to diagnose than men, possibly because they are better at masking or hiding the most obvious signs.  I don't know.  But I think more women are starting to get diagnosed now.  And I'm sure there must be many, many people out there who are still stuck in the quagmire of not knowing what's wrong with them.  I know how awful that is, having lived until the cusp of my 60s before finding out what was "wrong" with me.  Nothing, as it happened.  So the diagnosis in itself started to make me feel better.  Sometimes it felt as if my humanness had been stolen from me.  It hadn't.  It was just being expressed in another way.