Why do people think it's OK to be autistic?

Sickle Moon said:

I often feel my strong sense of identity as a female is being stolen from me.

What do you think being a woman means?   Do you have an idealised vision of what you are supposed to be?  What's wrong with your version of woman?

I try to be as feminine as I possibly can, to the point where I'm trying for a baby with guys I meet...I'm not in a relationship but I want to have a child as that would be proof I'm a woman, and no one can take that from me. My own child would love me, too, and of course I'd love my child. I've often felt that people have been trying to steal my gender from me and it just isn't fair.

No one is stealing your gender. Both men and women have aspergers. I have 2 female friends that are diagnosed with aspergers, one could not be more feminine. Aspergers is often thought of as a boys thing as it is easier to detect in boys, this is because boys are more socially awkward and immediately stand out when they struggle. Girls tend to do better socially so go undetected. The easiest way to spot aspergers in someone is social awkwardness.

Having a child will not make you more of a woman. You will have a child! are you prepared to look after a child? don't have a child just to prove you are a woman, it would do you no good and do no good to that child. If you really want a child it would be better to have one in a stable relationship so that it can grow up with a propper family.

The fact that you said that you wanted a baby to prove that you were a woman is what has many of us concerned. Things are obviously very difficult for you right now and I imagine that you are under a great deal of stress, it is none of my business but if I can offer an opinion I would say that having a baby under the conditions you describe would be an act of selfishness and I believe that your child would be adversely affected by being your sole source of validation, which, as your horizons seem to be set quite close to you is highly likely.  I apologise for being blunt but a child should not have so much expectation placed upon it-nor shoulder the responsibility for the level of your self-esteem.

Also, bringing up a bay alone is extremely hard work even for the most NT types who know how to navigate their way through the various hurdles of life by having circles of friends all with similar life experiences, we autistic people do not always pull that off and as the child can be very demanding many single parents spend a lot more time at home alone, so unless you are a very well-balanced and fairly confident woman this can be extremely depressing. 

I am not unsympathetic but I believe that you should talk to your Doctor-I do hope that it is a Female GP!-you need to find out what steps you can take to make your world into a more conducive place for a child to enter into and thrive. This will not happen overnight and will be hard-going but if that gets too much, being a single mum is infinitely more difficult.

So think very carefully before you go out looking for a sperm donor ( by the way, do you think HIV/AIDS is a thing of the past?) A baby will take over your life and you need to be on top of the job or it will wear you out and both of you will suffer-it would be worse for the child because none of it  was of their choosing but they will pay the price.

Sermon over.

I love kids, but I'd never want one of my own. wanting children is one thing, beaing able to care for them is another and as much as you love a child having one to prove you are a woman will not help either of you long term.

Make some space for yourself before you make space for anyone else, whoever they may be - one-night-standers, lovers, partners, babies.  Try to learn who you are first.  Don't try to sidetrack that.

Also having a baby doesn't 'fix' whatever situation, feelings or thoughts you are struggling with - if anything it may add to them.  Having pure love for a child doesn't irradiate all the other problems life throws at us.

I'm sure you would.  Who wouldn't love a baby?  But the reality is often very different from the idea.  I think you would be a very loving mother.  So why couldn't you first of all be a very loving partner?  Give yourself some time and space, please.  Don't rush into anything. 

What kind of person do you think I am? I'd love my baby. Inferring that I'd get bored of my own child is horrible. 

Well said.  Wise words, Sickle Moon

Hi again Sickle Moon. I used to believe nobody would ever put up with me, nobody would ever want my love. I realise now it was down to past experiences and low self esteem. As I got a bit older, the bad experiences and abuse mounted up, but you don’t have to add any more to yours any more than I have to to mine. I would have made a loyal, loving wife and mother. I just needed to believe in my own worth. Being diagnosed in my 60s has made me realise that. So the Autism awareness I have now has enabled me to be a proper person, a human, and a female one as well. If I could still reproduce, I would even make a good mother now, something I would not have been whilst I had such low self esteem and Post Traumatic Stress reactions to life. I do hope you can find support to help you realign your feelings. I admit I have had counselling lately from a psychologist who understands many aspects of Autism. It’s on the NHS, so your GP or other health care providers could refer you to a service near you. And you can see a woman, and find one who you can trust. Try asking for the support you need. I hope you find a way forward, as you are a valuable woman. One day you could become a wonderful partner and mother. 

Really? I don't know you so I can't put what you say into context. So are you prepared to bring up a child on your own baring in mind that it's father may want to have some say in the matter so choose wisely who you just happen to get pregant by.

Do you actually wnat a child or are you just trying to prove your a woman? Assuming you have, the erm, corresponding sexual organs you are a woman, no debate there.

Really? I don't know you so I can't put what you say into context. So are you prepared to bring up a child on your own baring in mind that it's father may want to have some say in the matter so choose wisely who you just happen to get pregant by.

Do you actually wnat a child or are you just trying to prove your a woman? Assuming you have, the erm, corresponding sexual organs you are a woman, no debate there.