Discovery 2 - Let's talk about communication

It sounds nuerotypical to me, just because most of my autistic friends could never in a million years achieve that level of communication but if I read it without that question in mind, I wouldn’t think anything, other than what it was saying, meaning it wouldn’t occur to me to guess who it could have been written by in terms of an nd or nt person, because how would you know, unless you asked them? 

I recognise the traits you listed. I recognise them in me as well, however, we (meaning you and I), tend to have a different way of relating to them. For example, you listed them as difficulties, whereas I don’t see them as difficulties, I just see them as autistic traits. And some of them, or the way you relate to them, or explain them, or rather the way I process/understand information, are confusing, to me, for example, who says you speak too loud and too fast?

How did they even work that out? I’m not sure that I understand that one. Are you saying that there is a speed limit in speaking and a sound limit? How did you find out about it? Who made this rule up and who conforms to it? Do you?

I’m guessing you’re not taking about when you are in places such as libraries etc, where people are asked to speak quietly, or maybe you are and that’s why it’s a difficulty, because you’re not able to talk in a quiet voice?

I can understand that, if that’s the case. I know some people who speak very loud, as their only volume, and who would struggle in a library or similar quiet place. So maybe that’s it? If it is, I understand, I would find that difficult as well. I am a loud speaker (not literally, lol) compared to most people but it’s not a problem because I can be quiet if needs be.

I don’t have any difficulty delivering monologues. Are you saying you have difficulty doing this and would like to improve on it?

Difficulty interpreting lies etc, I generally never do this but it’s not usually a problem for me.

I’m very blunt, honest and insensitive in regards to most people’s sensitivities so that’s how I come across. I don’t think it’s that I’m interpreted that way so much as, I am that way, so I’m not sure what you’re saying. Are you saying your not blunt or insensitive but that  people interpret you that way and that’s a problem for you, because you’re not, it just seems like it? And I’m guessing people don’t like it and you want them to like you so that’s why it’s becoming a problem for you and they won’t believe you when you say you’re not being blunt or insensitive? It all sounds a bit tricky. I think life is much easier when you are blunt and honest, but of course I would say that, lol, being of the blunt and honest variety myself.

I never know if people are being rude or kind to me, lol. I say I’ve only been bullied three times in my life but it could have been happening a lot more than that for all I know, stuff like that goes right over my head, so I don’t know who’s being nice or not, but I don’t see it as a problem, although I am wising up a bit in some ways so I can spot stuff happening, but I see learning to do that more as a benefit than a problem.

I have the other traits that you have also, but again, I don’t see them as problems. I guess it’s because I kind of see them as part of who I am, like they’re part of my identity or something, so for me to see them as problems, it would be like saying I’m a problem because I see them as part of who I am. And I’m learning how to change the ones that cause me distress, such as catastrophic ocd thinking etc. I guess I just see them as part of who I am so of course I don’t therefore see them as problems. 

Yes, I have been told to "slow down" and I am often asked to be quiet at work, due to people trying to concentrate or talk to a customer on the phone. I'm not loud all the time, but when I'm excited/highly interested in something/trying to join in with jokes or 'banter" I get louder without realising it, and then feel bad that I've disturbed some people trying to work. 

I don't have any trouble delivering monologues, quite the opposite. But as I've got older I've learned to read the "glazed over" expression that says a polite person is no longer listening. And at work if I start to talk at length about a special interest the guys will say "oh, here she goes again!'

If I respond without thinking, sometimes I get told "that's not very nice' (although usually said with a grin) - sometimes I have to explain that I didn't mean to offend or I was trying to make a joke which failed.

None of these are really "problems", just social faux Pas which make me feel a bit awkward, but the people I work with are not unkind. I described them as "difficulties" because that's how NT profiles of autism describe them, and other people I work with don't exhibit these behaviours like me. But yes, it is just a difference, which is what autism is all about.

Yes, I have been told to "slow down" and I am often asked to be quiet at work, due to people trying to concentrate or talk to a customer on the phone. I'm not loud all the time, but when I'm excited/highly interested in something/trying to join in with jokes or 'banter" I get louder without realising it, and then feel bad that I've disturbed some people trying to work. 

I don't have any trouble delivering monologues, quite the opposite. But as I've got older I've learned to read the "glazed over" expression that says a polite person is no longer listening. And at work if I start to talk at length about a special interest the guys will say "oh, here she goes again!'

If I respond without thinking, sometimes I get told "that's not very nice' (although usually said with a grin) - sometimes I have to explain that I didn't mean to offend or I was trying to make a joke which failed.

None of these are really "problems", just social faux Pas which make me feel a bit awkward, but the people I work with are not unkind. I described them as "difficulties" because that's how NT profiles of autism describe them, and other people I work with don't exhibit these behaviours like me. But yes, it is just a difference, which is what autism is all about.

Ha reading that it's like "Hang on, did I write that!?" LOL!

Alice did warn me! She said it wasn’t Wonderland through the mirror but Neverland. Nevernevergobackland.

I have to say, that’s a very succinct and accurate way of putting it  I wish I could say more, in less words  this is my life’s struggle! Lol! But apparently, according to my tutor, I am getting better at it!  so I’m happy with that. I’m a bit of a slow train, I take my time, but I get there eventually

No - looking into me peels the layers of yourself back and you see what is truly within - and the angel or the terrible monster inside you will be staring back at you.  

Do I see myself in reverse or do I only see my front view in a plastic mirror? Do you bend round 360 degrees so I see millions of me? That would be a real nightmare! And the person behind the mirror ..... 

Yes, we are all mirrors of each other, it’s one of the fundamental laws of the universe, the Law of Reflection, hence the saying, if you spot it you’ve got it. 

I found that I polarise opinion about me - my simplicty and clarity and capability is seen as brilliant by competent, truthful people.

Those who are incompetent and full of BS hate me because I will eventually show them up - totally accidentally - but their lack of ability will be glaringly obvious when they don't deliver on their promises.  I innocently ask the difficult questions that they cannot answer.

I am like a terrible mirror that shows people their true inner-self - and some people really hate that.

I've never heard of anyone not having a strong opinion of me - but it reflects on themselves. 

It sounds like you’re a real asset to your work place and your colleagues and that you’re highly valued and respected and a joy and a pleasure to be around   

Pixiefox said:

I think that my colleagues do like me and would miss me if I wasn't there. I can no longer work full time due to burn out, but I still do 5 hours a day and I work really hard.

I was brought up very strictly, to behave within certain parameters of "good behaviour" , being polite, saying please, thank you, sorry etc, and I was a quiet sensitive child who absorbed it all. I didn't find out I was an Aspie until I was in my 50s and 3 years later I'm still trying to work it all out.

Exactly the same for me.  My co-workers like me, and often even tell me so, which I find acutely embarrassing.  I like being liked, but at the same time I feel awkward about it, as if I can't understand why anyone would like me.  My manager tells me I'm very popular with everyone.  Perhaps it's because I'm quite light-hearted and can always be relied upon to generate a laugh. But I don't really feel close to any of my co-workers, and don't see them outside of the work context.  Upbringing, behaviour, sensitivity, diagnosis - exactly the same for me.  I was a quiet and sensitive child and am still very sensitive now, in my 60s.  Even the smallest things can made me sad or tearful. Finding a dead bird in the road, or even seeing where people have trampled through a flower bed or thrown litter down.  It distresses me hugely how we are destroying our precious planet because we don't want to change our ways.  Yet we idolise our children and want to protect them.  What a legacy we're leaving for them.

Same here and I think those strict parameters of polite behaviour etc have really served me well over the years, I’m really grateful to them. 

I was diagnosed in my 50’s, less than 2 years ago, and since then, like you, I’ve been working on figuring it all out. 

My support worker is currently working with me on my autistic traits, and I’m amazed at how much they effect my life and in what ways. For example, I didn’t realise how much ‘perfectionism’ affected my life. So we’re working on each trait separately, in terms of exploring it, what does it mean, how it effects my life and how I can reduce the negative effects and find ways to put the traits to work for me. 

I’ve learned so much already. It’s like I’m on a whole new adventure but this one only leads to good stuff, to unlimited joy and happiness, although there is a lot of sadness and sorrow and grief and even anger at times, along the way, but everyday is better than the one before and I not only love learning about all this but I’ve found people are genuinely interested to find out more as well. People are not always interested in my special interests, but they love to hear about autism. I’ve even been asked to give a talk to another autism group as well, so I’m even getting the chance to help other autistic people as well. 

I’m sure your colleagues definitely love and like you and that they would definitely miss you if you weren’t there and I think working 5 hours a day is enough for anybody. I’m just working out how many hours a day I’ll work when I go back to work and I doubt very much I’ll do more than 5 hours in a day, but I may do 5 as I do love my work. I’m glad you’re looking after yourself and setting your own limits, I think that’s a big part of what self awareness is all about. It sounds like you’re doing a great job and I don’t just mean at work, I mean with learning more about yourself as well

I think that my colleagues do like me and would miss me if I wasn't there. I can no longer work full time due to burn out, but I still do 5 hours a day and I work really hard.

I was brought up very strictly, to behave within certain parameters of "good behaviour" , being polite, saying please, thank you, sorry etc, and I was a quiet sensitive child who absorbed it all. I didn't find out I was an Aspie until I was in my 50s and 3 years later I'm still trying to work it all out.

Yeah, I can relate to that, getting louder and/or faster, especially when getting excited or highly interested in something, but I still don’t see it as being ‘too’ loud, because who says it’s ‘too’ loud?  

Just because it disturbs one or two people, doesn’t (in my mind) make it ‘too’ loud. Doesn’t the fire alarm disturb people and people wouldn’t call that ‘too’ loud, or the telephone or a knock on the door? I refuse to allow my personal traits to be the scapegoat of other people’s problems and to allow them (my traits) to be called the problem or be told that I’m too loud or too fast, when it’s not true. I might be loud and fast but who made these speed limits or sounds limits on speech? 

However, it is one of the reasons I don’t fit into a traditional workplace, but I still refuse to see my excited nature or the way I talk or how loud or fast I talk, as being the problem, i.e. that I’m ‘too’ loud.

I simply don’t fit into the traditional workplace so when I do start back work, the work place I will be working in, is very different to the traditional set up and is more in line with who I am and it means I don’t have to stifle my personality and my adorable trait of getting all loud and fast, like a beautiful innocent and happy child, just because somebody else said I’m ‘too’ loud. 

I can be quiet or do my best to be quieter at times,  such as when I’m in a church or library etc but not in a workplace or similar, as that’s different, I’m not in the workplace for just a short time, I’m there for the biggest part of my day and if I can’t be myself at work, then I’m spending the biggest part of my day not being me, which burns me out, every time, so I don’t do it anymore. 

Oh, they’re the best, the ‘polite people’, at least for when delivering a monologue they are. I’m always so grateful to them because I’ve realised, as I’ve got older, that not everybody wants to listen to me going on and on and on, but thank god that some people still have manners and will be polite enough to listen to me. It might not be easy for them, but it’s important to me, so I’m always grateful for when they listen as it means a lot to me. And I do the same in return. Not necessarily to them, but to anyone and everyone I meet.  I always do my best to listen to other people, no matter how much it might be killing me inside, because I know how grateful I am when people do it for me. Although I always adore listening to autistic people talk about their special interest. It’s like they take me into their world and I always enjoy it so much.

As for the guys saying here she goes again, I’d think up a witty, but kind reply, something like, I sure am, do you want to grab yourself a cuppa or would you like to be politely excused, because although it means a lot to me (the subject) and it would mean almost as much if people would listen to me, it’s not part of the law, you don’t have to listen to me, but it would mean a lot to me if you did. 

People will only describe the traits as ‘difficulties’ or ‘problems’, and treat them as difficulties or problems, if we do. When I thought my talking a lot was a problem, it was. For example, people at work would say I was talking too loud or too much, but when I saw that as part of who I am, so did everybody else and so now when I get over excited and start saying things that are what normal society consider going too far, somebody will gently let me know, but not because I’m too loud or too honest but that some people in my company at that time are not conscious enough to be able to take my level of truth or maybe there are a lot of quiet people who need a chance to talk or somebody just got some bad news or whatever. People no longer see my over talking etc as a problem and if needs be, they will gently let me know that I might want to consider talking quieter or whatever, but that’s different to being told I’m too loud. People don’t say that any more because since I got my diagnosis, and learned that it’s part of who I am, I know now that it’s not a problem or difficulty and people respond back in the same way. 

It nearly killed me trying to get myself to fit in, before I got my diagnosis, and now I know I don’t have to, it’s like the world is suddenly much more accepting and understanding as well, like it was me making such a big deal of things all along because I thought I had to fit in, when I don’t have to at all and people seem to love me all the more for it, so it’s a win/win situation.

But I know not everybody is like me, some people can fit into the traditional workplace and even if it’s not ideal, it works for them without too much difficulty. It used to kill me, it would exhaust me and eventually burn me out, so it’s just not a viable option for me.  I just hate to think of anybody thinking of themselves as a problem. And I bet the guys would miss your talking if you weren’t there, I bet they secretly enjoy it. Going off personal experience, most people love to hear what I’m talking about. My support worker said it’s because of my passion for life, she said it shines out and touches people, so I bet you’re the same really and they just say that because they can’t think of anything original to say :) 

All of these points are very much the same with me.  I can get louder without realising it.  I can also get so engaged with it that I miss other things going on, or it can get out of hand in some other way so that someone has to say 'Steady on' or 'I think that's enough of that' or 'Okay, maybe we should rein it in now.'  I'm also very quick-witted when it comes to something someone has said and I'll come up with some rejoinder that will get people laughing.  Especially if it's innuendo.  I can then come out with something that can be quite rude or smutty and raise some eyebrows.  But my brain doesn't filter things out in that way, and I say it before I even realise.  I'm always looking for double-meanings.  It's one of the things I love about words, all the ambiguities and flexible meanings.  I am also a bit of a film buff, and the other day at work we had a huge delivery of donated DVDs to sell at a fete.  There was maybe 2,000 of them.  I got completely carried away going through them and making recommendations to some of my co-workers, many of whom hadn't seen most of the films I dug out.  In the end someone came up to me and smilingly said 'Alright, I think we have enough recommendations now.'  I thought he was just kidding and carried on for a few more minutes, until he came up with a stern face and very firmly said 'Can you STOP now, please.'  I was like a child in a toy shop though and had been off in a world of my own.  When he said this, though, I looked up and saw that some of the others were sniggering about me.