Has anyone reversed social exclusion?

Thank you neekby. Asking to join colleagues for lunch or social events is a bit beyond my grasp at the moment. But I'll keep taking small steps. I am going to try and do better at asking them about their lives.

Yes.  Well done! 

It can be a slow process but the key is to persist and go for gradual gains.  In my mind's eye I picture a small divergence in paths which, over time, widens out into a huge distance.  I tend to take a long view with things like this because we are changing ingrained behaviours and habits in ourselves and not guaranteed any particular or immediate changes in other individuals.  i think the first steps can be the most difficult.    

Without wanting to sound patronising... WELL DONE YOU!

It's a slow process and people will 'revert to established patterns' - maybe build on the leaving do by greeting your colleagues in the office or referring back to some part of the meal you liked or a topic of conversation that came up to keep the momentum going.

In the cafe area, maybe ask to join colleagues if there's a spare seat at their table?

The other thing is to get involved in any group activity that isn't work but is the same people like a quiz night or some sort of club if they have them.

Update: I went out for dinner with my workmates on Friday night. It was someone's leaving do (I am invited to official events like this, i.e. where our manager is involved). 

Despite being nervous beforehand I was happy with the way things went (conversations went relatively smoothly, don't think I said anything too weird etc) and went home feeling positive, and that I had scored a minor victory for myself - maybe things had the potential to turn around? I went home after dinner, the rest went out to the pub. I didn't go because I was tired and felt like quitting while I was ahead. I also don't drink (since last year).

When I returned on Monday, people had reverted to mostly ignoring me again and I feel in the same place as before. It seems to me as if my team-mates are only nice to me when my boss is around. However I'm still willing to make the best of this situation, which means to keep trying to be positive.

I have also started having lunch/tea in the cafe area when it's quiet. So far people are leaving me alone and I feel a bit embarrassed to be sitting by myself, but in spite of that it still feels like a small step forward.

Thanks again for all the suggestions. 

Tintal :)

I think this is a wonderful success story! I'll give it a try too. 

I'm in a similar position as you, and have the same experiences you described! I'm not sure what suggestions to give, as I'm struggling with the exact same thing, but I'd thought I'd comment to know that you are not alone.

I really think you need to be seated in a place where you are included. So you are not like an outcast and your wellbeing and mental health do not suffer. Although, be careful what you wish for.  Whether you really want to sit with them. There is a possibility you will be unhappy there because of continuous chatter, noise and distraction. 

You point about not being sure whom to talk to and whether it's a right thing to do. This is important and needs to be resolved. In my past I suffered huge anxiety because there was no one to talk to and ask for informal advice. Agonising in closed circuit in my mind was damaging, it increased my anxiety and caused me to make some mistakes.

So you absolutely need to talk to someone and since your asperger is known, there is a paid department dedicated just for that.. You need to get in touch with student support services, or whatever they are called. The department that support s special needs and disabilities. They are bound to be confidential, so your discussion will be safe.

They will be able to offer some advice, some guidance and some options, the possibilities that exist or could be created. Most importantly there will be someone to listen to you. Just being heard will help you to clarify your mind and make your own decisions and suggestions.

Good thinking - a gluten free or a 'freefrom' cake is a clever addition.

For 'extra credit' make sure there's something that anyone with 'special dietary requirements' can eat e.g. nut allergy, vegans, gluten intolerance etc. they are almost always overlooked so will be almost pathetically grateful that you took the time to make sure they weren't left out...

Yeah - I was going to suggest that - a few bags of doughnuts always goes down well (65p for 5 in Sansbury's) - make sure there's a good few left over because you can guarantee you will have important visitors on that day - and it's always better to bin a few than to be embarrassed by not having enough....

Dog's birthday etc. - any old excuse to 'celebrate' with the team...

Works with a tin of Quality St too.

I might try that, thanks

Thanks for the suggestions Neekby. I can't really sit with my team, as whenever a seat becomes free, another person is moved there (e.g. a new team member). It isn't really within my control, and seems to be a system based on favouritism and who likes who. It's very isolating especially when I hear them laughing and joking with each other

There's always the 'Dexter' approach (no, not murdering them and dumping the bodies in the sea...!), bring doughnuts in (or if you like cooking, home-made cakes etc.) - everyone like 'the doughnut guy'...

I used to do this for another team as a way to reward them for good work but also 'just because' sometimes (you could make up an excuse like "I just got an 'A' on my paper and wanted to celebrate".

Home-made is easier as it comes across less as 'buying your way in' e.g. "I had some bananas that were going a bit soft so... banana loaf" or "I saw this recipe I really wanted to try... let me know what you think"

Suddenly you're 'in'...

That's exactly the kind of story I was looking for, thank you! 

Firstly, is it possible to sit with the rest of the team? If it is, then I think this would be a good starting point as "Out of sight = out of mind"

Then, make the effort to go to lunch/coffee with them occasionally (as I write this I have literally just 'passed' on an invitation to lunch with my team as I really don't enjoy it and just 'don't have the spoons' for it today - but I do try to go on occasion, even though it feels like a waste of time).

Finally, consider 'coming out as aspie' to them, assuming you feel comfortable to do so. It was mental health awareness week a while back and I took the leap of using this as a 'soft' way to open up to my team just saying "You've probably noticed there have been a few Dr appointments in my diary recently, I've been seeing a psychologist to explore whether I may have Asperger's/Autistic Spectrum Disorder.."

They were very supportive & one guy actually mentioned his nephew is going through the same process.

It's made things a lot easier... I also made a little light-box I sit on my desk as a way to indicate how I'm doing (it has red, amber and green lights and if I'm on red the team look out for me)

If they know this about you and you are physically located with them this should be a good first step

Let us know how you get on

I've not exactly reversed it.  After all, I'm still me and I don't like lunchtime trips to the pub or work nights out.  However, long before I was diagnosed with autism, I got fed up of feeling marginalised and excluded at work so decided to work, very slowly, on my part of it.  If I'd been aware of my diagnosis I would certainly have mentioned the difficulties to my line manager or to HR but my lack of awareness meant that option didn't exist.  So what i did, at my own pace, was just slightly tip the balance in favour of action.  

Examples:

I somehow felt awkward about using shared areas like the small kitchen and lounge area so I deliberately started using these a couple of times a week, for only 5 minutes at first.  Gradually, if people saw me there they became "nodding acquaintences" and that familiarity seemed to increase over time.  I felt very nervous about it but it was less uncomfortable that remaining at my desk all the time.

i noticed that the canteen did certain meals on particular days of the week so I mentioned i liked that food and, when the most amenable person got up to go to lunch asked if she minded if I joined her.  The following week she asked me if I wanted to come so I kept doing it, once again even though i felt very nervous about it, especially at first.       

I started to occasionally bring in old magazines for the restroom area and these also led to increased interactions.

Generally I mentally patted myself on the back for the smallest interaction and, on the days i was feeling less anxious, tried to keep a bias towards saying "yes" to things. 

There were definitely things I would never accept as they were far too overwhelming for me, but these few small things seemed to bring me into the fold, even though i'm fairly sure they still thought I was rather strange.  One of them even called me "weird" but then this was after the ice had broken and he said it in an affectionate way.     

Sorry I haven't been clear - I'm a paid PhD student. Even though I'm on the payroll, I'm not technically an employee, so HR do not support me. It's a bit like school for grown-ups. I'm only here for another 18 months.

It's common for PhD students to move seamlessly into a post-doc if things go well. I'm not sure that is an option for me, if things continue the way they are as I have built up a reputation for being a loner.

There is a post-graduate dean and student societies in the building, but they are notional roles and I don't think the people actually care /have time / are equipped to look out for people like me. So my best bet seems to be to try and turn this around for myself.

Then does the company have a HR dept?   It's their responsibility to support you in the working environment.

Pre-arm yourself by writing down all your difficulties (anxiety etc.)  and what you are looking for - in case your mind goes blank when they ask you.

They should find a way to get you to integrate - maybe by getting you to do a small side-project with some of the 'easier' team members.

He is not here often, due to meetings abroad. He is pleasant enough but he does not spend any time integrating with his team. I'm not sure he is very social himself.

He knows I have aspergers but I cannot bring myself to discuss my feelings with them. I'm not even sure it's the right thing to do. 

How sensible is your manager/supervisor?   Are you able to explain your issue with them?   They should take the opportunity for some team-building tasks to integrate you more.