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Has anyone reversed social exclusion?

tintal

Hi everyone,

I'm excluded from my team at work. I don't sit with them (not my choice), go to coffee or lunch with them, or go to the pub with them. I don't have anyone to say 'hello' to in the morning, or 'goodbye' to in the evening. It's as if I don't exist. I'm sure the loneliness is having an adverse effect on my health, and my career. 

There were a few social invitations at the beginning, which I passed up with excuses -  I didn't know I had Asperger's then, and was not in a good mental state. Now I have utterly no idea what my team-mates think of me. I do not want to use the term 'bullying' as I suspect that what I'm experiencing is partly my fault and partly theirs. Then again, historically I'm not good at recognising when I'm being mis-treated.

I know that exclusion at work is a common problem on here as I've seen many threads on it. But what I'd like to know is - has anyone successfully turned this around? I think my work mates would like me if they gave me a chance, but as far as they're concerned, I'm an outsider here - and I feel stuck with this persona, and quite ashamed of myself. 

Cheers,


Tintal :) 

Parents

  • Update: I went out for dinner with my workmates on Friday night. It was someone's leaving do (I am invited to official events like this, i.e. where our manager is involved). 

    Despite being nervous beforehand I was happy with the way things went (conversations went relatively smoothly, don't think I said anything too weird etc) and went home feeling positive, and that I had scored a minor victory for myself - maybe things had the potential to turn around? I went home after dinner, the rest went out to the pub. I didn't go because I was tired and felt like quitting while I was ahead. I also don't drink (since last year).

    When I returned on Monday, people had reverted to mostly ignoring me again and I feel in the same place as before. It seems to me as if my team-mates are only nice to me when my boss is around. However I'm still willing to make the best of this situation, which means to keep trying to be positive.

    I have also started having lunch/tea in the cafe area when it's quiet. So far people are leaving me alone and I feel a bit embarrassed to be sitting by myself, but in spite of that it still feels like a small step forward.

    Thanks again for all the suggestions. 

    Tintal :)

Reply

  • Update: I went out for dinner with my workmates on Friday night. It was someone's leaving do (I am invited to official events like this, i.e. where our manager is involved). 

    Despite being nervous beforehand I was happy with the way things went (conversations went relatively smoothly, don't think I said anything too weird etc) and went home feeling positive, and that I had scored a minor victory for myself - maybe things had the potential to turn around? I went home after dinner, the rest went out to the pub. I didn't go because I was tired and felt like quitting while I was ahead. I also don't drink (since last year).

    When I returned on Monday, people had reverted to mostly ignoring me again and I feel in the same place as before. It seems to me as if my team-mates are only nice to me when my boss is around. However I'm still willing to make the best of this situation, which means to keep trying to be positive.

    I have also started having lunch/tea in the cafe area when it's quiet. So far people are leaving me alone and I feel a bit embarrassed to be sitting by myself, but in spite of that it still feels like a small step forward.

    Thanks again for all the suggestions. 

    Tintal :)

Children
  • in reply to tintal

    Yes.  Well done! 

    It can be a slow process but the key is to persist and go for gradual gains.  In my mind's eye I picture a small divergence in paths which, over time, widens out into a huge distance.  I tend to take a long view with things like this because we are changing ingrained behaviours and habits in ourselves and not guaranteed any particular or immediate changes in other individuals.  i think the first steps can be the most difficult.    

  • in reply to tintal

    Without wanting to sound patronising... WELL DONE YOU!

    It's a slow process and people will 'revert to established patterns' - maybe build on the leaving do by greeting your colleagues in the office or referring back to some part of the meal you liked or a topic of conversation that came up to keep the momentum going.

    In the cafe area, maybe ask to join colleagues if there's a spare seat at their table?

    The other thing is to get involved in any group activity that isn't work but is the same people like a quiz night or some sort of club if they have them.