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Has anyone reversed social exclusion?

tintal

Hi everyone,

I'm excluded from my team at work. I don't sit with them (not my choice), go to coffee or lunch with them, or go to the pub with them. I don't have anyone to say 'hello' to in the morning, or 'goodbye' to in the evening. It's as if I don't exist. I'm sure the loneliness is having an adverse effect on my health, and my career. 

There were a few social invitations at the beginning, which I passed up with excuses -  I didn't know I had Asperger's then, and was not in a good mental state. Now I have utterly no idea what my team-mates think of me. I do not want to use the term 'bullying' as I suspect that what I'm experiencing is partly my fault and partly theirs. Then again, historically I'm not good at recognising when I'm being mis-treated.

I know that exclusion at work is a common problem on here as I've seen many threads on it. But what I'd like to know is - has anyone successfully turned this around? I think my work mates would like me if they gave me a chance, but as far as they're concerned, I'm an outsider here - and I feel stuck with this persona, and quite ashamed of myself. 

Cheers,


Tintal :) 

Parents

  • Firstly, is it possible to sit with the rest of the team? If it is, then I think this would be a good starting point as "Out of sight = out of mind"

    Then, make the effort to go to lunch/coffee with them occasionally (as I write this I have literally just 'passed' on an invitation to lunch with my team as I really don't enjoy it and just 'don't have the spoons' for it today - but I do try to go on occasion, even though it feels like a waste of time).

    Finally, consider 'coming out as aspie' to them, assuming you feel comfortable to do so. It was mental health awareness week a while back and I took the leap of using this as a 'soft' way to open up to my team just saying "You've probably noticed there have been a few Dr appointments in my diary recently, I've been seeing a psychologist to explore whether I may have Asperger's/Autistic Spectrum Disorder.."

    They were very supportive & one guy actually mentioned his nephew is going through the same process.

    It's made things a lot easier... I also made a little light-box I sit on my desk as a way to indicate how I'm doing (it has red, amber and green lights and if I'm on red the team look out for me)

    If they know this about you and you are physically located with them this should be a good first step

    Let us know how you get on

  • in reply to Original Prankster

    Thanks for the suggestions Neekby. I can't really sit with my team, as whenever a seat becomes free, another person is moved there (e.g. a new team member). It isn't really within my control, and seems to be a system based on favouritism and who likes who. It's very isolating especially when I hear them laughing and joking with each other

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  • in reply to Original Prankster

    Thanks for the suggestions Neekby. I can't really sit with my team, as whenever a seat becomes free, another person is moved there (e.g. a new team member). It isn't really within my control, and seems to be a system based on favouritism and who likes who. It's very isolating especially when I hear them laughing and joking with each other

Children
  • in reply to tintal

    I really think you need to be seated in a place where you are included. So you are not like an outcast and your wellbeing and mental health do not suffer. Although, be careful what you wish for.  Whether you really want to sit with them. There is a possibility you will be unhappy there because of continuous chatter, noise and distraction. 

    You point about not being sure whom to talk to and whether it's a right thing to do. This is important and needs to be resolved. In my past I suffered huge anxiety because there was no one to talk to and ask for informal advice. Agonising in closed circuit in my mind was damaging, it increased my anxiety and caused me to make some mistakes.

    So you absolutely need to talk to someone and since your asperger is known, there is a paid department dedicated just for that.. You need to get in touch with student support services, or whatever they are called. The department that support s special needs and disabilities. They are bound to be confidential, so your discussion will be safe.

    They will be able to offer some advice, some guidance and some options, the possibilities that exist or could be created. Most importantly there will be someone to listen to you. Just being heard will help you to clarify your mind and make your own decisions and suggestions.