Friends, wanting isolation, loneliness

Thanks for the thoughtful reply out_of_step! Yes I've joined a running club and find the social interaction there fabulous - no eye contact to worry about when you're running with someone!

Interesting points about reflecting in families. Theres a long story for me here though.

I can relate to point 2. I think people who i class as true friends are the ones who i have somehow managed to make friends with. There are a couple of people (at work) whp see me as their friend but i dont see it at that level yet. They have made friends with me not the other way round. If that makes sense. Im trying to change my way of thinking on this as they are lovely people who i trust but ultimately they are still colleagues. On the other hand there is one lady twice my age who ive never seen outside of work yet i class her as friend first then colleague.

I watched a youtube talk with sarah hendrickx who said many women on the spectrum may have friends but arent anybody's "number one". I feel i can understand this but over the past year i think for one of my good friends i have become her "number one". Altho im not sure and i dont know at what level it is reciprocated. She is there for me and is very supportive but i think our friendship might be more about her problems. You know what tho i really struggle to talk to friends about problems anyway. I think i come across as problem free. Or i feel that when i try to explain i dont give enough detail so they dont yhink its that important,  or i get embarrassed and change thr subject or feel im being too self absorbed so change the subject. Or just think its not worthy of talking about. Or feel well why would they want to know? Sarah Hendrickx also said when trying to make friends AS women (and men?) focus on the one person to make friends with whereas "neurotypical" people cast a net out and see what they catch.  This is too random for me!

I think the bit about your family saying of course they love you but dont show it....it might be that if you dont show much yourself they dont reciprocate back. (You might be making loads of effort but it might be how it is perceived at the other end...) Cos i think people operate on reflecting back how others are with them. You might be being taken for granted and if you are just continuing with this and not saying anything everyone will think you are fine.

I understand about the chasing. I have a couple of really good friends ive known years but its me who always does the chasing. Ive weighed up that i value their friendship and we have a laugh together and i feel very comfirtable around them so will put up with this. One of them never actually commits to anything so that when the time comes nearer she always has other plans. Ive never raised this with her but have started to address in a jokey manner "shall i put it in pen or pencil on my calendar? Whenever i see them its always on their terms. 

I find making friends difficult. I dont know what to do. All my friends are spread out. My number ones are my partner and mum n dad.

As for the tension in point 1, i recommend joining a keep fit class. Im really not a sporty type but i go to a boxercise class. You get to punch the living daylights out of stuff and you work 1:1 with strangers but its not a social thing as you are boxing. So it gives you activity based interaction without the social interaction which i like. Or take up walking or get a pet!

I think survivalism can be fun for a bit.  A challenge to see how resilient you really are.  I sometimes watch that 'Hunted' program to see if the conrestants have a clue about living lean and minimising their footprint - I'm always disappointed.

I think you have to be realistic about your needs and interactions or you become a crazy hermit that dies alone in a cave.

I've created a long list of 'must-haves' for the next place and opportunities for social interaction are high on the list - as long as they are on my terms.

I also want a local hub for shopping close by and I need access to healthcare.

The property itself needs to be designed for minimal mantenance and minimal running costs - no point wasting money for no reason by burning it. Ideally, I'd like to be off-grid. Fuel is only going to get more expensive as time passes.

I need space to do my hobbies - 1/2 acre minimum - enough to justify a ride-on mower.

Again... horses for courses.

I suppose it's what you get used to.  That woman's life in Canada would suit me.  Remote - but close enough  to civilisation and resources.  She doesn't have internet, which doesn't bother her as she doesn't really need it.  She has access to all she wants.

It all comes down to what you want out of life, I suppose.  Modern life, of course, cossets us.  Most of us have probably had our survivalist instincts conditioned out of us.

Civilisation.  Hm.  What's that old Gandhi quote. 

"What do you think of western civilisation?"

"I think it would be a good idea."

I know what you mean, though.  Yes, I'd want to be close enough to essential supplies.  As long as I didn't need to have too many people around.

It's probably not much fun during a winter storm when the waves are crashing over your roof.

I've looked seriously into downsizing and disappearing into the countryside.  I'm hoping to do it in around 2 years.  I'm lucky to live in a really expensive area so moving to the country will free up a large cash-cushion.

I'm an engineer so all the tech needed can be installed for miminal outlay - solar, water harvesting, hydroponics etc. I can build any out-buildings needed for plant equipment.

As you get older, priorities change and things like nearby hospitals become more important.

It has reasonable access to the mainland, though, which is important.  The weather and temperatures wouldn't seriously bother me.  I've lived in such conditions before.  I'd see £300k as just the basic 'price of entry'.  It would need a good deal more than that, of course.

I think I could make a go of it, if I could find a way to make an income to cover the essentials.

It's horses for courses with all these things.

How would they know you were there 365? Do you have to sign in?

Tried to buy a caravan on a secluded local site a few years back.  I thought that would do me.  Pay for something outright, then just have to cover site fees and fuel - no rent or mortgage.  Only trouble was, the council won't allow full-year occupancy.  So, for a month, I'd have had to find a cheap guest house.  Just wouldn't work out.

My brother lives in remote countryside - there's about 6 houses and that's it. Total PITA in winter when snowed in, no power and running out of basics. Broadband is via microwave link from some farm a mile away with trees in the way - 1Mb/s is flying. Everything is difficult and time-consuming.  I need a little more civilisation than that.

I think it's great that you know what you want like this. I wish I did. I know how to achieve these things, but I have no idea if it is what I want.

Here it is...

I kind of like the idea of a simple, rougher way of life.  I live simply enough now.  I wouldn't need a lot of possessions.

I keep in contact with a woman in Canada, whom mum and I visited when we went out there a few years ago.  She lives in a small settlement in Saskatchewan.  About 20 houses in a couple of blocks - way out on the prairies.  There aren't any shops.  Just a small community centre.  All the houses are detached with a fair sized spread.  The nearest town in 20 minutes drive one way, then nearest city (Regina) about half-hour's drive the other way.  She lives alone in a bungalow which is not much more than a glorified settler shack.  She also has an assortment of cats and dogs.  She's in her late 80s, but is really tough and hardy from the life.  She grows a lot of her own stuff on her plot, then preserves or freezes it.  She gets a lift into town once a week for shopping.  She has 6 months of snow to contend with - but just deals with it. They're geared up for it, anyway.  It's a hard life.  But it would suit me.

Island of Patroklos it is!

I think the reality of the weather and the temperatures up there would soon make it seem less romantic. No trees, poor soil, bleak and cold. No thanks.

It's £300k for a reason - and I think it's overpriced.

It would be a lot of work I imagine, and certainly made all the more difficult with all that wine!

I love constructing mathematical projects like these. Making them pay is usually theoretically very viable. The house I live in is one such romantic and difficult project!

I expect this one's gone now.  Only one cottage - but with 40 acres, that would have been a decent bit of space for about half a dozen people.  Still need more cash each than I could ever get my hands on, though - and then the need to build accommodation.  A yurt would do me, mind.

All sounds a lot easier and more romantic than it would be, I suppose.

I think the ad should read 'wind turbines'.... but 'wine turbines' could be interesting...

Scottish Island for sale

Love it! I was just about to hit the 'Make an Enquiry' button and I started to construct the email in my head. It began 'I'm interested to get some more information about Vigur Island. I'm interested to explore the idea of setting up a colony of Aspies .....'  #thatwontwork

Erm... on second thoughts... I see it has over 10,000 visitors a year!

Nice.  Would need more bedrooms, though!

Vigur would suit me:

Private islands for sale

That friend I met up with on Saturday is, interestingly enough, very definitely a spectrumite!  It takes one to know one.  She's very much like me: lives alone, very socially anxious, gets very obsessed about something for ages and ages - so that it's all she's interested in - and then just drops it for something else.  Just meeting her on Saturday, I could tell how anxious and awkward she felt, being in a cafe with other people - more so than I was.  Also, she just comes out with stuff - loud enough for others to hear - that most people just would keep to themselves.  I was tucking into my meal and she was going on about the menopause, and how she still gets hot flushes, and how she's found out she has endometriosis... and I'm thinking 'I don't really want to know this!'  I asked her once, when she was talking about her social anxiety, whether she'd ever thought about if she might be on the spectrum.  She said she thought she was and had done for years, but it didn't bother her.  She scored 36 on the test, anyway.