Friends, wanting isolation, loneliness

I can relate to point 2. I think people who i class as true friends are the ones who i have somehow managed to make friends with. There are a couple of people (at work) whp see me as their friend but i dont see it at that level yet. They have made friends with me not the other way round. If that makes sense. Im trying to change my way of thinking on this as they are lovely people who i trust but ultimately they are still colleagues. On the other hand there is one lady twice my age who ive never seen outside of work yet i class her as friend first then colleague.

I watched a youtube talk with sarah hendrickx who said many women on the spectrum may have friends but arent anybody's "number one". I feel i can understand this but over the past year i think for one of my good friends i have become her "number one". Altho im not sure and i dont know at what level it is reciprocated. She is there for me and is very supportive but i think our friendship might be more about her problems. You know what tho i really struggle to talk to friends about problems anyway. I think i come across as problem free. Or i feel that when i try to explain i dont give enough detail so they dont yhink its that important,  or i get embarrassed and change thr subject or feel im being too self absorbed so change the subject. Or just think its not worthy of talking about. Or feel well why would they want to know? Sarah Hendrickx also said when trying to make friends AS women (and men?) focus on the one person to make friends with whereas "neurotypical" people cast a net out and see what they catch.  This is too random for me!

I think the bit about your family saying of course they love you but dont show it....it might be that if you dont show much yourself they dont reciprocate back. (You might be making loads of effort but it might be how it is perceived at the other end...) Cos i think people operate on reflecting back how others are with them. You might be being taken for granted and if you are just continuing with this and not saying anything everyone will think you are fine.

I understand about the chasing. I have a couple of really good friends ive known years but its me who always does the chasing. Ive weighed up that i value their friendship and we have a laugh together and i feel very comfirtable around them so will put up with this. One of them never actually commits to anything so that when the time comes nearer she always has other plans. Ive never raised this with her but have started to address in a jokey manner "shall i put it in pen or pencil on my calendar? Whenever i see them its always on their terms. 

I find making friends difficult. I dont know what to do. All my friends are spread out. My number ones are my partner and mum n dad.

As for the tension in point 1, i recommend joining a keep fit class. Im really not a sporty type but i go to a boxercise class. You get to punch the living daylights out of stuff and you work 1:1 with strangers but its not a social thing as you are boxing. So it gives you activity based interaction without the social interaction which i like. Or take up walking or get a pet!

I can relate to point 2. I think people who i class as true friends are the ones who i have somehow managed to make friends with. There are a couple of people (at work) whp see me as their friend but i dont see it at that level yet. They have made friends with me not the other way round. If that makes sense. Im trying to change my way of thinking on this as they are lovely people who i trust but ultimately they are still colleagues. On the other hand there is one lady twice my age who ive never seen outside of work yet i class her as friend first then colleague.

I watched a youtube talk with sarah hendrickx who said many women on the spectrum may have friends but arent anybody's "number one". I feel i can understand this but over the past year i think for one of my good friends i have become her "number one". Altho im not sure and i dont know at what level it is reciprocated. She is there for me and is very supportive but i think our friendship might be more about her problems. You know what tho i really struggle to talk to friends about problems anyway. I think i come across as problem free. Or i feel that when i try to explain i dont give enough detail so they dont yhink its that important,  or i get embarrassed and change thr subject or feel im being too self absorbed so change the subject. Or just think its not worthy of talking about. Or feel well why would they want to know? Sarah Hendrickx also said when trying to make friends AS women (and men?) focus on the one person to make friends with whereas "neurotypical" people cast a net out and see what they catch.  This is too random for me!

I think the bit about your family saying of course they love you but dont show it....it might be that if you dont show much yourself they dont reciprocate back. (You might be making loads of effort but it might be how it is perceived at the other end...) Cos i think people operate on reflecting back how others are with them. You might be being taken for granted and if you are just continuing with this and not saying anything everyone will think you are fine.

I understand about the chasing. I have a couple of really good friends ive known years but its me who always does the chasing. Ive weighed up that i value their friendship and we have a laugh together and i feel very comfirtable around them so will put up with this. One of them never actually commits to anything so that when the time comes nearer she always has other plans. Ive never raised this with her but have started to address in a jokey manner "shall i put it in pen or pencil on my calendar? Whenever i see them its always on their terms. 

I find making friends difficult. I dont know what to do. All my friends are spread out. My number ones are my partner and mum n dad.

As for the tension in point 1, i recommend joining a keep fit class. Im really not a sporty type but i go to a boxercise class. You get to punch the living daylights out of stuff and you work 1:1 with strangers but its not a social thing as you are boxing. So it gives you activity based interaction without the social interaction which i like. Or take up walking or get a pet!

Thanks for the thoughtful reply out_of_step! Yes I've joined a running club and find the social interaction there fabulous - no eye contact to worry about when you're running with someone!

Interesting points about reflecting in families. Theres a long story for me here though.