Published on 12, July, 2020
This is quite difficult for me to explain as im not quite sure myself whats going on. I have no formal diagnosis but trying to get a better understanding of myself through reading and this forum.
I dont know if i am experiencing some sort of burnout or shut down. This is my 5th week back in work since the Christmas break. The first week back already felt like a month. Im a teacher of adults. I love being in the classroom but i feel that everything else is taking its toll. To the point where im struggling at home to things like make tea or play with the cat.
Our managers are very nice but we have had more put on us in the past month. Each week at work someone is having a difficult week because of something specific. I feel like theres nothing specific for me but an accumulation. Its getting increasingly more difficult each day just in my general being of life. Its like the extra demands are having a knock on effect in the rest of my life. Im keeping my head above water but feel i could sink at any moment. We have to do a lot of work outside of teaching time and at home. Im accomplished in my job. I spent last year coasting through. I dont know what has changed other than these extra demands (which arent massive but seem to be ongoing. Im managing with them but feel like its taking up extra energy which is then being depleted for other life tasks). I dont know if its because ive had to make some (to me, unecessary) changes to the way i do things to please management. So its like unexpected changes to my routine. Ive felt it all building up. Past 2 days ive asked colleagues for help bevause i havent had any brain power to think of how or what to plan for class. Even for lessons ive taught many times before. Ive had a headache for 2 days which wont go. I came home today and couldnt concentrate to get my planning and paperwork done. I ended up finishing gone 8pm. My brain could no longer process. It was like it had stopped.
My partner started talking about DIY after this. This tipped me over the edge. Then he said hes fed up as things arent good between us at the moment. My brain was full. I could not compute or process. I coukdnt engahe with what he had just said. I didnt know what to do or how to express myself so i just broke down crying then got in bed to lie down. Its like each day i have less energy because i expended more than i shoukdve the day before. I feel im not recovering in time b4 the next day. I dont know if this is general mental health or AS. I do wonder if other ppl at work who are having the same demands put on them are coping/not coping similar to me. I dont know where the line is between AS and non-AS.
Yes it sounds like a diagnosis is right for you. At the moment im using self-management to help as im not sure of i want a formal diagnosis.
I been thinking the same,because I used to do it in childhood, except parents saw it as temper tantrums and used to send me to bed.
Maybe just get an early night then,
since I know what it is now, I just walk away and have time out and its okay. Your right it can get to much for them especially when they don't know what to do to help.
I have been in teaching in 7 and 8 years, I only took up temporary positions that were over in a few months or Whenever I felt overwhelmed I just left cuz I could, I took an new job last Febuary and ended up quitting in at oct half term. I seriously could not function anymore toward the end, I have lasted in some jobs longer then others because I realised they were more autistic friendly,
your right, other people suffer aswell non-as and although outwardly it seems similar it isn't the same inwardly.
Yep, I blamed everything for the way I was feeling, until a friend suggested to look in to AS , what I spoke about sounded very similar to her,she was reading up on it for her daughter, I so read up and the symptoms didn't make sense to me, but then I started listening to videos and it all clicked into place,I also joined his forum,and its been helpful.
I keep thinking am not AS maybe it is something else, I keep going backwards and forwards In my head , hence why I wanna seek a diagnosis so I know one way or another for my own peace of mind, I know its gonna keep coming back.
Ive also wondered if in the past when ive taken it out on my partner this is because ive internalised it all during the day.
Ive read about autistic females in childhoid behaving well at school then being naughty at home. I wonder if this has been the adult equivalent for me.
Thank you. Is the EQ test the one with the facial pictures? When i did this a year or two ago i scored higher than average NT female.
I will look at the cambridge assessment thank you
It's a different test but gives the same indications. The AQ test was one of 3 I did during my assessment.The best way to approach the test is in a good state of mind so you can answer the questions honestly even if you don't like the answers. I also did the FQ (friendship quotient) test and the EQ (emotional intelligence) test.
I dif the AQ test i dont know if this is same.
2 years ago i got 26. A few months ago it was 34. I dont kniw if im more self aware, interpreted the questions differently or were unintentionally guessing the answes.
I guess theres only one way to find out. I go through bouts of thinkin i am then im not. When i come up with difficulties as described above i kerp coming bavk to it.
Oh my goodness i coukdve written most of that myself.
Slepping after work yes. Altho now i gave a cat i need to give her my attention when i get in so cant sleep!
My partner is fantastic and very understanding. More so since ive suspecred AS but i think sometimes theres only so mych he can take of me being like this and understandably so. Since ive become more self aware there is less lashing out.
You know im in my 7th year teaching
I cant believe i felt like this on a daily basis for about 3 years. This is the only teaching job ive ever done. I used to put these feelings down to being new.. but. Past 2 years ive been ok but its like ive taken ten steps back since christmas.
I do know ppl i woukd class as non-AS also strugglr at work but i wonder if our struggles and end results (internally within ourselves and how is presented exrernally) differ.
Was your experience described above wgat made yoi seek a diagnosis?
Hey,
I am seeking a diagnosis at the moment still, self-diagnosed,
what you have just written, sounds exactly like me just over a year ago, I am also a teacher secondary , I felt exactly the same way and I couldt explain it I didn't know at the time I was autistic, I kept on my pushing myself was in a long term supply position, I thought it was work overload etc, a deficiency I went to the docs and had a full bloods doe everything came back normal,
I even changed jobs to a a part time position but felt exactly the same.
so what helped...
I eventually sat my partner down and had an honest conversation with them explained the way I was feeling, and it wasn't his fault it really helped he tries to be more understanding now because I think because the way I used to meltdown when overwhelmed I used to lash out at him he took that personally.
secondary I used to go to sleep straight after work for around two hours, then wake up to make the tea or make the tea and then go to sleep, and do my school work in the morning, waking up early.
I know my body wont function after work in the evening so point even forcing it to, I used to before but it didn't work.
good luck
From my experience, I'd say the first thing to do is find a search engine and look for the Cambridge test. It will give you a good idea of how a diagnosis would go. If you are on the spectrum, it sounds like you are describing a burn out. It's common in undiagnosed adults to reach a tipping point where the stress of trying to be "normal" gets too much.