Published on 12, July, 2020
This is quite difficult for me to explain as im not quite sure myself whats going on. I have no formal diagnosis but trying to get a better understanding of myself through reading and this forum.
I dont know if i am experiencing some sort of burnout or shut down. This is my 5th week back in work since the Christmas break. The first week back already felt like a month. Im a teacher of adults. I love being in the classroom but i feel that everything else is taking its toll. To the point where im struggling at home to things like make tea or play with the cat.
Our managers are very nice but we have had more put on us in the past month. Each week at work someone is having a difficult week because of something specific. I feel like theres nothing specific for me but an accumulation. Its getting increasingly more difficult each day just in my general being of life. Its like the extra demands are having a knock on effect in the rest of my life. Im keeping my head above water but feel i could sink at any moment. We have to do a lot of work outside of teaching time and at home. Im accomplished in my job. I spent last year coasting through. I dont know what has changed other than these extra demands (which arent massive but seem to be ongoing. Im managing with them but feel like its taking up extra energy which is then being depleted for other life tasks). I dont know if its because ive had to make some (to me, unecessary) changes to the way i do things to please management. So its like unexpected changes to my routine. Ive felt it all building up. Past 2 days ive asked colleagues for help bevause i havent had any brain power to think of how or what to plan for class. Even for lessons ive taught many times before. Ive had a headache for 2 days which wont go. I came home today and couldnt concentrate to get my planning and paperwork done. I ended up finishing gone 8pm. My brain could no longer process. It was like it had stopped.
My partner started talking about DIY after this. This tipped me over the edge. Then he said hes fed up as things arent good between us at the moment. My brain was full. I could not compute or process. I coukdnt engahe with what he had just said. I didnt know what to do or how to express myself so i just broke down crying then got in bed to lie down. Its like each day i have less energy because i expended more than i shoukdve the day before. I feel im not recovering in time b4 the next day. I dont know if this is general mental health or AS. I do wonder if other ppl at work who are having the same demands put on them are coping/not coping similar to me. I dont know where the line is between AS and non-AS.
Hey,
I am seeking a diagnosis at the moment still, self-diagnosed,
what you have just written, sounds exactly like me just over a year ago, I am also a teacher secondary , I felt exactly the same way and I couldt explain it I didn't know at the time I was autistic, I kept on my pushing myself was in a long term supply position, I thought it was work overload etc, a deficiency I went to the docs and had a full bloods doe everything came back normal,
I even changed jobs to a a part time position but felt exactly the same.
so what helped...
I eventually sat my partner down and had an honest conversation with them explained the way I was feeling, and it wasn't his fault it really helped he tries to be more understanding now because I think because the way I used to meltdown when overwhelmed I used to lash out at him he took that personally.
secondary I used to go to sleep straight after work for around two hours, then wake up to make the tea or make the tea and then go to sleep, and do my school work in the morning, waking up early.
I know my body wont function after work in the evening so point even forcing it to, I used to before but it didn't work.
good luck
Ive also wondered if in the past when ive taken it out on my partner this is because ive internalised it all during the day.
Ive read about autistic females in childhoid behaving well at school then being naughty at home. I wonder if this has been the adult equivalent for me.
Oh my goodness i coukdve written most of that myself.
Slepping after work yes. Altho now i gave a cat i need to give her my attention when i get in so cant sleep!
My partner is fantastic and very understanding. More so since ive suspecred AS but i think sometimes theres only so mych he can take of me being like this and understandably so. Since ive become more self aware there is less lashing out.
You know im in my 7th year teaching
I cant believe i felt like this on a daily basis for about 3 years. This is the only teaching job ive ever done. I used to put these feelings down to being new.. but. Past 2 years ive been ok but its like ive taken ten steps back since christmas.
I do know ppl i woukd class as non-AS also strugglr at work but i wonder if our struggles and end results (internally within ourselves and how is presented exrernally) differ.
Was your experience described above wgat made yoi seek a diagnosis?