Published on 12, July, 2020
Sorry - I wasn't going to come here and bother you good people again. But the truth is, I've got nowhere else to go where there might be people who will understand.
I start my new job tomorrow. And I'm scared. Not just the usual night-before jitters that I always get before starting a new job. No - really scared. It's eight weeks now since I was last at my old job, as many of you will know. I went sick that day with a horrible anxiety attack - and I didn't go back. I worked my ticket. While I was off, I had my interview for this new job, and got it. It was such a relief just to give notice and know that at least I didn't have to face that woman again. For all of that, though, the job was perfect for me in so many other ways. The part-time hours were right, the pay was enough. It fit the bill. And it just seemed to drop in my lap right when I most needed it, after my time caring for mum, then the months of coming to terms with her passing. I felt blessed. But it went wrong, and that's all there is to it. And so to now.
The new job will be more demanding in a lot of ways. It's a far bigger organisation, it's full-time hours again (albeit term-time only, so longer holidays), and there's a huge amount to learn. They've already got me on the online courses, and there's over thirty of them - many of them long courses. I hate online learning, too. It doesn't work for me. But there it is.
That's incidental, though. The main thing is... this time off has made me realise just how exhausted I was. How much I needed a break. Since Christmas, when I stopped drinking and started to sleep better, I've been managing 10 hours a night, then still feeling the need for afternoon naps. And by nine in the evening, I'm exhausted again. Through doing very little except keep house, do shopping, read and watch films. I know 'doing nothng' can be tiring. But it's more than that. It's as if I've finally been catching up with what I need. And now it's all going to change again - and change up, too.
I know I have a tendency to think the worst, and it's all unknown... and that, by the end of the week, I may feel a lot better. But the thing I really feel is... it has to work this time. This is the last time. I'm sixty in May. Just a number, but it feels significant. Maybe I've made a mistake in changing jobs so quickly, not giving myself proper time. But I panicked. And I just felt it was what I had to do.
If this doesn't work out, if it proves too much, if it's too soon... I'll burn out. I think that may be actually what I'm experiencing already, with all the sleeping and exhaustion. These last 3 years have been some of my most challenging. The end of a damaging relationship and the fallout from that. Then mum's illness and death. Then the problems in my last job, and what that led to.
I just hope this is the right thing I'm doing. I hope.
But scared is what I am.
Take heart Tom, you have learned such a lot from the previous situation. Our batteries get run down when we are subjected to abusive behaviour, but when we are back in the zone, doing what we are good at, we can recharge our batteries again.
It's perfectly natural to be feeling this way. So important to make sure you get the support you need to sustain this new role. Access to Work are there if you need them (I referred myself a couple of weeks ago).
Inspired by you I have been applying for jobs that will stretch me beyond my comfort zone. The trade off is I would get to do things I am good at, instead of being underemployed. I am between first and second interviews - keep your fingers crossed for me!
I'll be thinking of you tomorrow. Don't let the online courses get you down. It may get easier to do them and if it doesn't you can ask to complete the learning in another way. It might feel like an all or nothing situation, but you will continue to have other options.
I've almost lost count of the jobs I have had since I turned 50 (so many people said it's impossible to get recruited once you get past that age). Continue to believe in yourself. You are a remarkable man. And half-term will be here before you know it!
Take care.
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Thanks, Sunflower. All I can do is do it, and see what happens. I just have a bad feeling, and I don't usually get that. The jitters, yes. But not a bad feeling. When I took my last job, I actually felt really positive and looking forward to starting. It was exactly what I wanted. I could have stuck with it as it was until retirement. But then this thing happened. And that ruined it. It's always something.
I was doing a count up earlier. 27 contracted jobs in 40 years of work (though you can take 4 years from that to account for the sick leave I've had in that time). Since turning 50, this'll be my 7th job. I remember, in my last job, the deputy manager looking at my CV and saying he couldn't believe how many jobs I'd had.
I'll try to keep my self-belief up. Good luck with your second interview.
Thanks again.
Take care x