Published on 12, July, 2020
Sorry - I wasn't going to come here and bother you good people again. But the truth is, I've got nowhere else to go where there might be people who will understand.
I start my new job tomorrow. And I'm scared. Not just the usual night-before jitters that I always get before starting a new job. No - really scared. It's eight weeks now since I was last at my old job, as many of you will know. I went sick that day with a horrible anxiety attack - and I didn't go back. I worked my ticket. While I was off, I had my interview for this new job, and got it. It was such a relief just to give notice and know that at least I didn't have to face that woman again. For all of that, though, the job was perfect for me in so many other ways. The part-time hours were right, the pay was enough. It fit the bill. And it just seemed to drop in my lap right when I most needed it, after my time caring for mum, then the months of coming to terms with her passing. I felt blessed. But it went wrong, and that's all there is to it. And so to now.
The new job will be more demanding in a lot of ways. It's a far bigger organisation, it's full-time hours again (albeit term-time only, so longer holidays), and there's a huge amount to learn. They've already got me on the online courses, and there's over thirty of them - many of them long courses. I hate online learning, too. It doesn't work for me. But there it is.
That's incidental, though. The main thing is... this time off has made me realise just how exhausted I was. How much I needed a break. Since Christmas, when I stopped drinking and started to sleep better, I've been managing 10 hours a night, then still feeling the need for afternoon naps. And by nine in the evening, I'm exhausted again. Through doing very little except keep house, do shopping, read and watch films. I know 'doing nothng' can be tiring. But it's more than that. It's as if I've finally been catching up with what I need. And now it's all going to change again - and change up, too.
I know I have a tendency to think the worst, and it's all unknown... and that, by the end of the week, I may feel a lot better. But the thing I really feel is... it has to work this time. This is the last time. I'm sixty in May. Just a number, but it feels significant. Maybe I've made a mistake in changing jobs so quickly, not giving myself proper time. But I panicked. And I just felt it was what I had to do.
If this doesn't work out, if it proves too much, if it's too soon... I'll burn out. I think that may be actually what I'm experiencing already, with all the sleeping and exhaustion. These last 3 years have been some of my most challenging. The end of a damaging relationship and the fallout from that. Then mum's illness and death. Then the problems in my last job, and what that led to.
I just hope this is the right thing I'm doing. I hope.
But scared is what I am.
Rang HR at the College this morning. Quite a nerve-racking exchange. They seem a bit vague on things. Impatient-sounding. The woman said that in spite of having a degree, I'd need to get the maths GCSE if I can't prove that I have any maths qualifications. She said 'within a reasonable timeframe' means 'as soon as you can'. On the NVQ, she said 'I'd assume you'd need to start that straight away.' On a couple of other questions about salary, her answers were 'I'd assume...'
Why could they not have made any of this clear to me before? Isn't it good policy to inform people, before getting their acceptance of a role, exactly what they will be expected to do? The offer letter I got from them simply says:
The offer is naturally subject to our standard contract of employment. It is also subject to successful completion of the pre-employment checks and reference requirements.
I think they should have been more specific. And they should be less vague now.
I'm sick of this. Perhaps I should just resign and be done with it.
Martian Tom said: in spite of having a degree, I'd need to get the maths GCSE if I can't prove that I have any maths qualifications.
Do you have any maths qualifications?
I'm in a similar position with my English. I never passed my English language O level.
I get round it by :
I've always advised 'never resign', too. But I hate the limbo. I don't know when I'm going to feel ready to go back. Or maybe I should just go back next week and try to soldier on. I think a big part of what happened last week was the need to assimilate all the information I was bombarded with on top of coming from a position where I hadn't completely recovered from the experience in my last job. Last Tuesday, I got home and my head simply froze. I couldn't deal with it all. Having some time to let thngs settle into place has helped. Having said that, though, they will not want me to return if it simply means going sick again. I can't mess them around like that.
I've got to check with my line manager whether I can do the GCSE under my own steam, or whether I need to do it as an evening class at the College. Also, I need to check with her about the NVQ. I rang her earlier and left a message.
The online courses are timed. Many of them are three hours. I think there's a cumulative total of 60 hours of online courses to do. They cover a lot more ground than I was used to in care. A lot of it seems superfluous, too, when you consider the student group I'm working with. They are a special group. Not really students, as such. It's much more about daily care and sensory activities - like I was used to doing in the Day Centre I'm being interviewed for on Friday.
There is no getting around the qualifications. I said that my degree should be enough, but she said that it's College policy to insist on having evidence of the certificates. If you've lost all of your certificates and can't remember the examining body so that you can approach them again, you need to take the qualifications again. I've said in the past with jobs that I have maths and English, and no one has ever bothered to check. Here, though, proof is a statutory requirement.
Already done that with the job I'm being interviewed for on Friday. It might not look good - basically, 2 weeks in role - but I had to be honest about it. They'll doubtless ask me about it at interview, and I'll just say I made a mistake. It was the wrong move. Full stop. We all do make those mistakes, and I hope they'll understand that. As I said, they were keen to interview me because they know my work, and that I'm good at it. They were fair to me before by letting me take extended leave to care for my mother - and they said at the time that part of the reason they wanted me back was because I had taken on her care role. She outlived expectations, though - a further seven months instead of what, considering her condition, should have been weeks. Because of that, they couldn't hold my job open. But they said they were sorry to lose me and would welcome any application I wanted to make in future. I think that'll maybe override any uncertainty that my current very short-term job throws up.
You also don't need to mention it on your CV. No need for future employers to start asking questions :)
I've never been fired from a job and don't want to start now. I'd sooner resign and move on. My work coach said that, in the circumstances, it wouldn't affect my UC claim.