Published on 12, July, 2020
Sorry - I wasn't going to come here and bother you good people again. But the truth is, I've got nowhere else to go where there might be people who will understand.
I start my new job tomorrow. And I'm scared. Not just the usual night-before jitters that I always get before starting a new job. No - really scared. It's eight weeks now since I was last at my old job, as many of you will know. I went sick that day with a horrible anxiety attack - and I didn't go back. I worked my ticket. While I was off, I had my interview for this new job, and got it. It was such a relief just to give notice and know that at least I didn't have to face that woman again. For all of that, though, the job was perfect for me in so many other ways. The part-time hours were right, the pay was enough. It fit the bill. And it just seemed to drop in my lap right when I most needed it, after my time caring for mum, then the months of coming to terms with her passing. I felt blessed. But it went wrong, and that's all there is to it. And so to now.
The new job will be more demanding in a lot of ways. It's a far bigger organisation, it's full-time hours again (albeit term-time only, so longer holidays), and there's a huge amount to learn. They've already got me on the online courses, and there's over thirty of them - many of them long courses. I hate online learning, too. It doesn't work for me. But there it is.
That's incidental, though. The main thing is... this time off has made me realise just how exhausted I was. How much I needed a break. Since Christmas, when I stopped drinking and started to sleep better, I've been managing 10 hours a night, then still feeling the need for afternoon naps. And by nine in the evening, I'm exhausted again. Through doing very little except keep house, do shopping, read and watch films. I know 'doing nothng' can be tiring. But it's more than that. It's as if I've finally been catching up with what I need. And now it's all going to change again - and change up, too.
I know I have a tendency to think the worst, and it's all unknown... and that, by the end of the week, I may feel a lot better. But the thing I really feel is... it has to work this time. This is the last time. I'm sixty in May. Just a number, but it feels significant. Maybe I've made a mistake in changing jobs so quickly, not giving myself proper time. But I panicked. And I just felt it was what I had to do.
If this doesn't work out, if it proves too much, if it's too soon... I'll burn out. I think that may be actually what I'm experiencing already, with all the sleeping and exhaustion. These last 3 years have been some of my most challenging. The end of a damaging relationship and the fallout from that. Then mum's illness and death. Then the problems in my last job, and what that led to.
I just hope this is the right thing I'm doing. I hope.
But scared is what I am.
Rang HR at the College this morning. Quite a nerve-racking exchange. They seem a bit vague on things. Impatient-sounding. The woman said that in spite of having a degree, I'd need to get the maths GCSE if I can't prove that I have any maths qualifications. She said 'within a reasonable timeframe' means 'as soon as you can'. On the NVQ, she said 'I'd assume you'd need to start that straight away.' On a couple of other questions about salary, her answers were 'I'd assume...'
Why could they not have made any of this clear to me before? Isn't it good policy to inform people, before getting their acceptance of a role, exactly what they will be expected to do? The offer letter I got from them simply says:
The offer is naturally subject to our standard contract of employment. It is also subject to successful completion of the pre-employment checks and reference requirements.
I think they should have been more specific. And they should be less vague now.
I'm sick of this. Perhaps I should just resign and be done with it.
Martian Tom said: in spite of having a degree, I'd need to get the maths GCSE if I can't prove that I have any maths qualifications.
Do you have any maths qualifications?
I'm in a similar position with my English. I never passed my English language O level.
I get round it by :
Never resign. I made that mistake in the past.
If they fire you, then there's always a claim for unfair or constructive dismissal, if you have the stamina to go through the process.
My advice is do the online courses. And the GCSE maths and see how the whole process goes.
I suspect some of the online courses could be short, very short. Some of my initial induction training in my last job was just a box ticking exercise. First safety and fire escapes. 20 seconds. There is the fire escape. Meet on grass on opposite side of road. Box ticked.