Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi all
I wonder if anyone has any advice on my situation. I have lived with my husband for 15 years and we have had a very difficult relationship. I am on the autistic spectrum (although not diagnosed) and he frequently refers to this and complains about my autistic behaviour making his life difficult. We are about to embark on our third attempt at couple counselling. On our first visit I explained that I was on the spectrum and that my husband found this difficult and the counsellor said , 'Yes there is definitely autism in the room,' Later on the penny finally dropped- my husband has undiagnosed autism and for inexplicable reasons ( as I frequently work with autistic clients) I have failed to realise it. He has every single symptom of high functioning autism ( although actually he really doesn't function because of his disorganisation and distractibility) My husband cannot accept responsibility for his conduct and is hypersensitive to criticism. He will find it impossible to accept the suggestion that his conduct plays any role in our marital problems. I am fearful of the counsellor suggesting this to him as I know he will take it extremely badly and he is already depressed.
Any advice would be most welcome
I am in my mid-30's and was recently diagnosed with ASD. I was relieved but also became angry at times, for the simple reason that it's only now I am getting to know myself. Like your husband I was very sensitive to criticism from anyone (sensitive soul from an early age), and my head just couldn't process, dismiss or let go of critical stuff aimed at me. I remember some people (in school and even recently) picking up on my sensitivity and taking advantage of it - they succeeded in stressing me out. I've never understood the competitive nature some people have.
My story is huge: I have read a few times that Autistic people struggle to defend themselves and tend to be targets for bullying. Sadly those who want to bully others have a certain mind-set, which means they can sense who the easier targets are. Exactly this has happened to me. Twice I was in the wrong place at the wrong time and got threatened with knives. I was also assaulted by a teacher and two healthcare professionals. They wanted to abuse me, be violent, traumatise me, so they did. There was something about me that made these abusers think, "Ah, here is an ideal person I can abuse". I currently go to a therapist who has told me all sorts about how the minds of these abusers work. It's very frightening. All these crimes I've had happened before my diagnosis of ASD.
So if I have to shout about something it would be that we need more ASD specialists who can diagnose people, otherwise vulnerable people remain vulnerable. We need much more funding when it comes to ASD, so that parents and kids, teachers and doctors are made aware asap of ASD traits. If I have to shout about something else it would be for the NHS and police to take much more seriously the voices of students/patients who have the courage to speak up, and not protect predators in a position of authority. (I was ignored and ridiculed by police and undermined by the GMC) Is it okay for a teacher or doctor to purposely attack a student/patient? There are problems with the law and recruitment processes, as clearly abusers are allowed to get jobs where they're in a position of trust and then pick their victims. I was angry for years which didn't help me, as my abusers were protected, which meant they could abuse again. It is very sad that many people don't report abuse by people in a position of trust - this is one reason why I was made fun of/scolded by police.
My opinion is that un-diagnosed ASD is actually dangerous, given what's happened to me. I was also suffering symptoms of depression when a little girl, and this became worse when I was abused twice when a teenager, then reached a severe level when a gp attacked me (instead of examining me).
I don't know what it is that has made your husband depressed, but from my experience, one has to want to get better, one has to want to learn about themselves (their strengths and work on these to become focused/positive, as well as being aware of weaknesses), and want to get to know themselves. If you fear your husband taking something badly, then my advice would be to just let it happen, and he can then learn from it. My people skills aren't good I admit especially with family. You have to allow the s*** to hit the fan. Holding things in/back is worse.
Due to all the abuse I've had, the big D, and my ASD un-diagnosed, my relationships have all failed. I am still young but just don't want a relationship because I now have to get to know myself at long last, work at re-setting my mind (to recover from PTSD/anxiety etc), build up confidence and try to achieve a healthy mind/positive outlook. Autistic people are known for being loyal, and in the past I did too much for others and for some reason didn't put myself first. I got trampled on. One day I'll meet a man who is right for me, but for now I have to put Me first.
Whatever personal problems your husband may have, maybe these should be dealt with first? It is just too much for the mind to handle. There are mind exercises I did that helped me, such as the "What went well" exercise by Martin Selligman. I did this for about 5 months and it helped to calm my mind down and get me focused on the good things. The Mind is powerful and needs to be trained, so that it doesn't end on a destructive path.
Best wishes to you both.
Thank you for sharing your story. you sound incredibly positive considering the terrible things which have happened to you. I am sure that you will continue to learn to adapt and will go on to live a calm and successful life.
I will look up the mind exercises which sound useful.
I think you are right that my husband should receive treatment for his depression but ,of course, it is a bit chicken and egg with his AS.