Undiagnosed autism

Oh I can totally relate to this and I would sound a note of caution. I made allowances too and for years I thought we were soul mates and I could tolerate the difficult behaviour. 15 years in fact - always thinking he would change but not realising that he absolutely couldn't. In the end it is my husband who has become so furious with my constant criticism that he has said our marriage is over ( although we are hoping it can be saved with counselling) He takes no responsibility for his conduct and never has .It is exhausting and the loved up feeling only lasts so long so if I were starting out I would suggest counselling at a much earlier stage .Sorry to be gloomy. It is difficult ( but not impossible) to be happy when you know that your feelings are not important to your life partner.

My children both live with partners now - they are 31 and 29. I love seeing them but it is all too rare these days as we have such busy lives.

My son is here for the weekend getting respite from his 3 year old daughter who is at stage of asking multiple why questions!

Both my children are probably autistic - my son wants to get assessed but my daughter doesn't. She has an autism friendly lifestyle and no significant problems. My son, like me, is an overthinker, tremendously work focused, and often exhausted. 

By getting a diagnosis much earlier than I did I hope my son will have an easier path through life. I've had an incredibly interesting time, but it has sometimes been a struggle to survive. 

I had to clear my husband out of our tiny kitchen yesterday - he was lurking while I tried to ice a cake. Just at the most inconvenient time he decided to come in and make a coffee. 

I'm very aware that I am exacting to live with. I sometimes think it would be better for my husband if I worked away during the week and just came home at weekends. 

NAS50581 said:

of course, the Aspie part of me needs to be right about this so I would find it difficult not to pursue it.

Aaah - the old 'must convert unknowns into facts' behaviour so typical of us all. Unknown = stress.

NAS50581 said:

Personally I find the Aspie thing is an asset

Me too - it has given me abilities so far ahead of NTs. My eidetic memory was a real boon in the jobs I've done.

I really don't think I would be satisfied being normal.

Sounds like my partner of 18 months. All fingers point to high functioning autism and I keep making allowances for his distant behaviour.  I do point it out to him and he denies it and in his only way tried to be romantic, but it is more factual than with feeling.  He loves his alone time, but skips my needs a bit.  I think he would he in denial if he got a diagnosis.  He has echolalia, takes him 15 minutes to make a sandwich, is rubbish at birthdays, the list goes on, but I love him to bits, he is my best friend.   How on earth do you get your needs met emotional when there is no reciprocity.?

Yes and I can see that my husband would find a diagnosis devastating but , of course, the Aspie part of me needs to be right about this so I would find it difficult not to pursue it. The trouble is that without a diagnosis he will continue without insight into the chaos he creates and I will have to learn to tolerate the chaos without criticism and that is an exhausting prospect. But that is really why we have gone for counselling .I am good at putting my trust in people so I will put my trust in the counsellor ( at least until I decide he is incompetent - which is reasonably likely to happen!)

Personally I find the Aspie thing is an asset and I wouldn't want to change it but it has caused me a lot of pain in the past.

Unfortunately, diagnosis often leads to depression when you realise just how oblivious you were to the full impact of your autism - just how much it has affected your life and behaviours and decisions you made all through growing up and in your adult life.

You then start comparing your screwed-up life to that 'perfect' life you thought you were living and you see how far away from 'normality' you are.

The big step is accepting you are you and then deciding to live your life to your own rules and to decide your own end-game - which may be very different to everyone else's expectations.

Congratulations on the Mind robots - very cool.

I do Lego Truck Trialling (google it) and I was a Brickish member.  My wife is into Lego trainsets.

Thanks Plastic that is really helpful and I can see why a formal diagnosis would help in a work situation .As you say that doesn't apply to me and I have been open with my staff about my AS. As we have many AS clients they may have spotted it before I did! The social justice thing is something I recognise as is the ' perfected person' I have started bullet journalling ( which is ,it now strikes me, a very Aspie organisation scheme) and I have a chapter entitled 'My Perfect Life' The problem is that I constantly measure myself against this and get stressed when I fail.

Strangely although I came onto this site to ask advice about my husband it has made me realise how much of an impact my AS is having on my life.

On the subject of Lego have you heard of First Lego League? It's a competition involving MIND robots. My children won the world championship in 2014 in St .Louis . It was really exciting.

It's good that your wife can adopt some good Aspie traits if she is NT.

Like I mentioned, I was having all sorts of difficulties - my mask had been perfected over 20+ years and all of a sudden it didn't fit. The scientist in me was unable to fix the mask so I could see there was a problem.

The diagnosis path was fast & free (insurance paid) so I went along (I am compelled to do things I have agreed to - I have a grossly overblown sense of social justice and so I MUST 'do the right thing').

It didn't take very long and the phrase 'clearly has Aspergers' crops up in the report many times.

The diagnosis doesn't give you anything except the confirmation that you are different. You rarely get any support afterwards.

If you are high functiong, you can then marry up your difficulties with the typical stories and information so you can see WHY you do the things you do and take steps to hide it better. Unfortunately, you're then double-masking - you're running your normal mask and then an additional mask to cover the deficiencies in the first mask.

This is incredibly tiring.

You're working so hard to be a 'perfected' person that you can soon burn out.

In a work environment, you can use the diagnosis to ask your employer for some adjustments to be made to your environment - but it's often a token effort that gets quickly forgotten and the people-pleaser part of us doesn't want to make too many waves - so things don't improve. We just get more stress because we're left in a state of 'but they promised they wouldn't do that so what should I do'.

As you work for yourself, you can pretty much arrange things how you need it - but you can't do too much because you have to interface with NTs all day - you can't scare them too much by sitting there in a dim room with sunglasses and ear-defenders on - you're forced to comply with NT expectations.

The biggest thing I've accepted is my inner child. It's an escape from the daily stress - I play with Lego, we enjoy Disney, we do the things that please us. It's very noticeable that people our age are soooooo old inside. Empty husks. My child inside has kept my wife young inside too. Getting old is compulsory, growing up isn't. She had Lego & Playmobil for Christmas.

This is also why we spent a lot of time thinking about WHY are we doing the traditional school/work/retire/die path and what are we actually trying to achieve.

The destination is reaching a point were we can do the things we want to do without being forced to do anything - 'freedom' if you like - so that is our driver. We're at the stage where if all goes to plan, it's about 2 years away.

Just wondering if there is any benefit in it as I have never considered doing it myself.

But why did you seek a professional diagnosis instead of just saying ' Yes that sounds like me I have all the symptoms' . What is the purpose of obtaining a diagnosis? 

It was suggested to me by a friend's wife - I was having difficulties with communicating with our daughter and my company health insurance said it would cover the assessment - so I went along with an open mind. Hey presto!

Out of interest  Plastic and Sunflower why did you seek a diagnosis? 

Oh I am big time critical parent! And the dog training thing really made me laugh. One thing my son has noticed is his Dad's ability to get lost. Wandering off in the supermarket like a toddler and never where you expect him to be! Also he gets really upset in the kitchen and can't cope with other people working around him. My adult twins and I can all be in the tiny kitchen doing different things together but he gets quite hostile and accuses us of deliberately opening cupboards in his face e.t.c. (He is a little paranoid )

Are your children still at home?

Logic rules when it comes to my aspie sense of justice! My children both know about my diagnosis - I told them after my first meeting with the psychologist when I realised I was likely to be diagnosed. It has helped heal some wounds caused by my erratic parenting when they were young. 

Haven't talked to my children about my husband possibly being autistic (he's not their dad). I am ever more aware that his behaviours are typically AS - we were at dog agility class the other night and the trainer was openly bemused by him wandering off when she was in the middle of explaining something to him. I just shrugged my shoulders and smiled. Later on he started doing an activity with the dog while we were supposed to be standing listening to her instructions. 

I am much nicer to my husband when I remember we are two completely separate people and I am not responsible for his actions. Staying in adult:adult mode is hard sometimes but it works much better than slipping into nurturing or critical parent! 

Yep been there.  The horology club I used to go to exhibits there every year.

I don't anticipate retiring in terms of staying locked up at home waiting to die.  I don't have any difficulty finding things to keep me occupied.  If I was financially independent I'd still be doing things, and that might even include taking money off people to do things I want to do.  But I'd like to be in the situation of being able to turn round to them and say "well if you're going down that path I'm not really interested in going there so see you around!"

I was very lucky and had the opportunity to retire 3 years ago in my late 40s due to health problems and work giving me a good payoff. I have no idea how people have the time to fit work in to their weeks.

2 things are guaranteed at this model show - wall-to-wall tool porn and wall-to-wall weird blokes with no idea of personal hygene & personal space.

I know Plastic - people keep telling me I don't want to retire as I won't have anything to do - whut?!!! Being forced to work means you're always too busy and emotionally exhausted to do *anything*. I wish I'd be a bit less poor when I retire but I really can't wait . . .

Plastic said:

A bit like the Model Engineering Show at Alexandra Palace.

Mmmm.... Lathes and milling machines, if only I had the space!