Published on 12, July, 2020
does anyone else get like this? I have got on brilliantly with some of my line managers, if given some freedom to be comfortable and do things my way my work is excellent and I happily do extra, and am still friends with previous managers.
however I have gone through life having huge difficulties if I start feeling trapped. If I’m told I can’t do something, for the sake of being told no, like I view it as them having full control and I start to shut down. I have social conversations with others at work, but I can’t face even a simple conversation with my line manager. My line manager stares at me and asks question after question about my weekends, my evenings, how I am, what I’m doing that evening. If other people asked me I’d be able to talk to them.
I’ve lost jobs, left jobs and walked out due to this. I do feel bad because my line manager has been in tears and finds my behaviour very upsetting.
Does anyone else have similar struggles?
My problem is that I have been repeatedly told that I have no respect for authority.
Quite often people in upper management don't know what they are doing & make arbitrary decisions that I frequently disagree with. I've always seen it as my professional responsibilty to point out their mistakes since it's meant to be about teamwork rather then dictatorship, but they don't always see it that way.
I try not to speak out unless I know I am right & can prove it though, which often makes the problem worse when you are dealing with someone that can't take constructive criticism & doesn't like their authority being questioned.
Not sure what to suggest, just try not to view managers as anything special & if you know you are right, don't be afraid to question decisions when you are told no for arbitrary reasons. It might make things difficult at first, but once they learn you are usually in the right, you should eventually earn their trust (possibly even friendship) & be given the freedom you want.
Having said all that though, towards the end of my career I preferred to work from home, only consulting management when necessary.
Pirate Santa said:My problem is that I have been repeatedly told that I have no respect for authority.
I tend to have little/no respect for the authority of people who don't appear to deserve it...
... and likewise (just out of curiosity) do you believe as well that the only way for you to get respect from others is to deserve it?
I haven't ever told anyone I love them, just my dog! I just wouldn't be able to do it. I'm currently trying to make sense of why I do the things I do, (and it's so good that other people have answered that they understand), and trying to pass my probation period at work when I'm up against people and an environment that make me so uncomfortable I shut down, and do what I do in the past and do what I can to avoid the situation. I'm slowly getting there, but feel it's a battle. I'm on leave next week though so it'll be good to step back from it all, and I do hope access to work contact me soon. If nothing else it'll show my employer I'm trying, in my own way.
Yeah, that last paragraph you wrote struck a chord with me. Where you said you want to get on etc but you get so uncomfortable that you can’t do it and then you get cross with yourself. I used to be the same until very recently, when I realised, this is simply just who I am and I have to accept that there are some things about me that I can work around etc but there are some things, such as telling people I love them, that I will never be able to do or at least I can’t do them now. So I began to accept that and now, I’m at least not going round in circles anymore.
I don't tend to get hung up on respect, and who respects who etc. It just makes me think of rap songs and postcode gang wars when I hear about respect. I am very 'respectful' and very friendly and polite when I meet new people, and I make a lot of effort to get along with people. I don't like confrontation or atmosphere. If I feel a break down in the relationship though with someone who has authority over me I find it incredibly difficult to move on from this. I've had excellent team leaders in the past, and I had one that I really struggle with, and we were forced to talk through our differences which although uncomfortable we did and then found we got on really well. I can't explain it, as much as I want to get on, and in my head I want to 'play the game' I get so uncomfortable I can't do it. And then I get cross with myself, and go round in circles.
Yes, definitely but it can create a lot of tension holding on to this belief. For example, if I think I have to earn respect, I will be attempting to do just that instead of just being me. And if I think others have to earn it to get it from me, it’s like I would be constantly judging them ~ if that makes sense ~ and who am I to judge anybody?
How do you decided the bench mark for giving respect? And do you use the same bench mark for yourself as you do others?