Published on 12, July, 2020
Can you truly learn social skills? This is something I've been wondering about since getting diagnosed.
My social skills aren't brilliant. I don't do well working in groups and I find social occasions difficult a lot of the time. I must have them to some degree as I manage at work (there have been issues but not regularly) and I do have a small group of friends who although not close, have not completely disowned me yet.
One thing my assessor said was that I don't really do 2 way conversation. He then added you probably know the rules but it is not something that comes naturally to you. So does this mean I can do it but I choose not to? Or I know how to do it but simply can't put it into practice?
I know there are people that have said they have used self help books with success but what I wonder is using these like acting/masking. You can put on a front and manage a successful social interaction or can you truly learn how to socialise better and it become an innate behaviour.
Apart from it causing me anxiety, my general issues with social interaction tend to be:
Sorry for this being a long waffly post but it's been on my mind for a while. What I'm wondering is, do I just need to accept this is how I am? Or can I actually learn to manage better?
One thing my assessor said was that I don't really do 2 way conversation.
... my assessor said this to me after I asked him why he started talking about an experience he had had in a place I just mentioned. I said I hate it when that happens! He said, that’s because you’re autistic and don’t do two way conversations!
I don’t! I hate them. The only thing I really want to do with nt’s, is line them up like I would my teddies, and talk to them, without them answering back. Unless we’re duscussing one of my special interests and they have something interesting to say, then I’ll listen. But otherwise, I’m just not interested. It’s not in my make up so why would I want to learn how to do it?
I’ve learned enough to not only get by, but to exceed, but at the cost of my health and well being and sanity. So it’s not something I’m interested in any more.
I share all your ways of communication and now I understand them I don’t see them as a problem at all. It depends on what you want. Do you want to learn to be more successful at social interactions with people you have little to no interest in and is the achievement of such a goal worth all the effort to you? If it is, go for it. It’s possible to learn anything we put our heart and soul into. I doubt you’de have much time left for much else in your life though. It would pretty much be a full time job learning how to interact like others when it goes against your nature but if your reason for doing it is big enough, it will be with the effort and I’m sure you would achieve it.
I love, on the other hand, the conversations and interactions I have with my autistic friends. They’re so random and we don’t tend to do that two way thing. We talk over each other and interrupt each other, but none of us bats an eye at this, because this is just how we do it. I’ve even started to be able to read their body language! Ok, I have only learned one thing with one person but it’s like it came naturally. And far from exhausting me it made me feel really happy, energised and proud of myself.
So for me, it’s a no brainer. I make sure that the time I do spend with people, is largely with autistic people.
I laughed so hard at the teddy scenario my stomach hurts. But yes that's exactly it. I don't want people to talk back unless it's about something I'm interested in.
I don't completely hate all social situations though. I like doing things like playing games and watching films. I just get really annoyed when people talk through them. But then I get called antisocial. I think talking through a game is antisocial but there we go.
I'm not entirely sure what I want. I think I was interested to see what people think really. I don't want to become completely isolated from other people. I only socialise occasionally, it's not regular but I do feel low if I avoid people altogether. But then I worry that people are just getting really irritated with me all the time.
Sometimes I wonder if I am just socialising with the wrong people but I do get on with them, I just find situations difficult. The problem is, when it goes well I feel better for socialising. When it doesn't go well I feel rubbish.
I don't have any autistic friends to make a comparison with.
Honestly, I’m ruthless. I’m like, you want to be in my company? Ok, here are the rules.
You sit down, shut up and listen. And you don’t move until I’m finished. Not even if your granny’s about to die. I don’t tolerate interruptions! ~ so, do you want to be in my company?
I don’t hate all social interactions, on the contrary, I’m a very outgoing social being, with a lot to say ~ incase you haven’t noticed ;) but I choose my interactions more carefully now. Now I know what the hell’s going on! Lol! Prior to diagnosis I was clueless and simply blagging my way through life, using every trick in the book. But not anymore.
I am now in charge of my life and I am therefore in charge of who I chose to spend time with.
I love socialising with people when I’m doing an activity I love, so I’m creating my life around activities I love. I’m only at the beginning of my journey. In fact, to be fair, I’m barely off the starting block because before I got started, I had to take time to get to know myself. What I like and don’t like etc etc and what I like but can only handle in small doses etc.
It’s a bit like doing a puzzle. Getting to know the pieces and how they will all fit together in a way that suits me. That is congruent to my nature and creates harmony and peace, for all people, not just me. Of course I have no control over other people, but I like our interactions at least, to be loving, kind, thoughtful and truthful etc.
And I don’t dislike nt’s. Far from it. It’s just that we see the world differently, we have a different language, different interests, values, goals etc etc. Neither is right or wrong, they’re just right for the individual. I’m eternally grateful to the support that could only come from nt’s, but it doesn’t mean I want to spend my time hanging out with them. That’s like asking a fish to go golfing! But I value their presence in my life and in the world, I just keep it to a minimum.
Shared mental space? I’m going to have to quiz my NT friends about this, this intrigues me, how is this possible? Kind of a interesting concept though.
Lol ~ I’ve just looked up what that word ‘sophistry’ means. That’s wild lol! Very interesting
It’s not about having a Teflon coating, so much as, seeing the truth ~ we are never upset for the reasons we think. We need one or two techniques that we can use, to shine the light of truth on any situation and we see that nobody actually ever does anything to us, we do it to ourselves.
Feeling bad, as you call it, is a great thing ~ in my eyes. I love to feel bad ~ it’s a direct clue to let me know that something is off in my life, either I need to eat or drink or I’m thinking repetitive negative thoughts or I need some sleep or I don’t really like to be in that person’s company, or whatever. It’s my treasured little compass that I use to point me back north, to get me back on track to happiness and peace.
I would never feel bad just because somebody else thinks something bad of me and if I did, I would question that. I would ask, is it true what they are saying about me? How do I react when I believe what they’re saying? Can I think of a stress free reason to keep that thought, to keep on believing that, that person’s thoughts about me, in that moment, mean that I really am what they say, and that I’ll be that for the rest of my life, so I have to feel bad forever. I would question it all. If I feel bad, there’s only one person responsible, and that’s me ~ apart from that time I was with the narcissist and he somehow transferred his thoughts to me!
Maybe that’s what’s happening, normal nt’s are doing to you what the narcissist did to me? But the good news is, I sussed all that out and got over it. Although I did have to go no contact which would mean you would have to go no contact with all nt’s! Could be an option! It’s more or less my world right now ;)
Heh, sophistry - I mean much as I'd rather not feel bad, I've never developed a teflon coating.
Well, I was thinking of mentioning that developing a 'persona' as an eccentric also works well but (a) it depends on one's own personality (b) it depends on your social environment - I work in academia/arts where eccentricity is considered a good thing (think you're in STEM where it's also well tolerated) and (c) it depends on social expectations of your gender - NT men often resent a woman with a 'big' personality.
Also, oddly, I found this easier when I was younger and more 'bohemian'. They say that older women are expected to be eccentric but, actually, I don't find this really is the case - people seem to be expecting a blander, more professionalised persona from me these days. It might work again when I retire, who knows. In short, it's a very positional strategy which may not be widely available.