Social Skills - What do you think?

One thing my assessor said was that I don't really do 2 way conversation. He then added you probably know the rules but it is not something that comes naturally to you.

You seem better than me.  My reaction would be, what rules?

Well I really wish I'd asked that at the time but my mind was reeling. I'm guessing the fact that you are supposed to take turns to keep the conversation going. He was talking about the fact that say someone asks me a question. I will answer it. But I don't ask them back. 

I did exaggerate I bit.  I know some of the rules.  When someone wants to talk about something, they drop hints and wait for you to ask them about the subject.

Other rules are, maintain eye contact, or at least look at the person you're speaking to, smile , nod, end conversation with a polite ending, don't just walk off abruptly without a word.

Unfortunately in my family I was never taught these social niceties.

Don’t you think it would be significantly more pleasant, for all of you, if you told the truth? 

For example, upon meeting somebody new (or anybody really, that you haven’t told), who is going to be sharing the van with you, why wouldn’t you say something along the lines of .......

hey, my name is ......., it’s good to meet you. Before we go any further, there’s something I need to tell you. I’m autistic and one of the areas of my life that is affected by autism is communication. One of the things I really hate is small talk and general chit chat, the type of conversations that most people love and enjoy. I do however, love talking about my special interests, which include ........ and I also love hearing people talk about what they’re passionate about or interested in (if this is true, it’s true for me). I also love silence and I’m aware that some people don’t and that in fact silence makes some people uncomfortable, so if you’re one of those people, I’d be really grateful if you could let me know so we can work something out that suits us both. For example, I don’t listen to the radio or modern music but I do love listening to audio books and meditation/devotional type music. And so on and so forth.

You’d be surprised how quickly people will come to love you for who you are and if you’ve got loads of interests like me, you will soon become the go to guy when they want to know something about something unusual etc. You might even find you share interests with some of them and as a result you enjoy some great conversations. People don’t know who you are so they could never like you, grow closer to you or really get on with you at all in any real sense, because they barely know anything about you. 

I have to say though, I couldn’t do that job if I had to be travelling with other people so often. I can be in a car with somebody sometimes but I couldn’t do it on a regular basis. It’s just not something I could do and if my life depended on it, I’d simply have to die because I couldn’t bare being in such a confined space for so long and so often with other humans. 

People often like the odd one out, when they get to know us, when we give them a chance to know us. 

Where are you experiencing pain in the back, is it too, middle or bottom? 

Not much choice, ignoring them puts me in a position of they shun me, we work as a group. Manual work, one van often two at times three crammed in, long trips out, lunch breaks in a van, every day nearly different sites, different area, also team work is a need, take turns and support the other with work load, not an admin job, pure physical stuff , 

Thank you for reading my daily work and life story, it can be good but often worse, depends entirely on who I am with any given day, right now, my labourer has a knackered knee, means well but as he isn’t as able bodied I have to do more, it works both ways, sadly I am suffering with a chronic back issue, so more and more unable to fulfill my duties, 

thsnk hou. X()x

I worked in a department that was closing - I didn't want redundance at that time so I moved to a different department - which was open plan and entirely male except for the 2 admin girls.

I've never been anywhere like it - it was all politics and incompetence and backside covering.

I'm interested in watching animals and this place was exactly like a chimp enclosure. I watched the alphas fighting, the old silverbacks hoarding territory over each other, the followers, the assassins, the nasty pieces of work etc.etc.

They also used to make group calls (lines from movies) and it was incredible that these were functioning humans.

I studied the newcomers - they were initially 'different' but within 6 months, they had learned & copied all the behaviours to fit in. It was fascintating to watch.

Unfortunately, I didn't fit in. My quiet, reserved competence was out of place. I could sense them feeling uneasy around me as time went on - like they were forced to behave properly without all the macho swearing.

It was like the crew of the Nostromo realising that Ash was different from them. As time went on, because I hadn't become one of the chimps, the divide was uncomfortable.

Luckily, the manager hated me (because I was moved sideways into his department, my salary was significantly higher than his and he didn't have the skills to manage anything - and my competence made him look really dumb) so he made a sloppy move to get rid of me - that cost them.

You can’t understand why your work colleagues tell stories about holidays etc but I can’t understand why you listen to it if you don’t enjoy it? 

Lol thank you plastic,

 Seeing you liken it to being in a zoo made me chuckle. And so here is my work life and how I attempt to interact and what I see as me being very much in the cage,

in many ways a cage, in with the primates but also caged as in stuck, getting by, not liking it but accepting it is achievable and earns me money to exist, I love  my freedom to make decisions, construct many useful things, put  my abilities into it, work hard, have a big sense of achievement.

it is everything that comes with my job that causes issues, the social interaction and team dynamics.  not the actual work, as if I am left alone I am the happiest person in the world, wether it being building a bridge, hand digging a hole, finishing concrete to perfection. Operating an excavator all day, I love my work. Just leave me on my own and give me time and it will be the best job, 

I work as a manual construction worker, we are usually two in a van, me as foreman and a labourer makes the team of two, so always together, long trips driving out to a job, sitting in a van for break time,

it doesn’t take long for it to go very quite, I respond to queries so as to not appear rude, if it were up to me I enjoy silence, I do enjoy chatting if the subject matter is interesting to me, 

It is obvious they struggle whilst being with me because the instant an extra person is needed or arrives at a job we are on they interact a great deal, I see the smiles and body language lift as they some how seem to know just how to interact freely with many laughs and things to witter on about endlessly.

it is a relief for me, but also when there are three or more on one of my jobs it often becomes two against one in some way, 

it can be just teasing or you can see the two really working together in order to cause upset to another, 

Just like being back at school, team dynamics, 

I have worked most of my life in building sites, picked up many ways of integrating socially, it gets me by, I can switch my character completely in an instant if I feel I need to. Being a male dominated arena I choose to exist in , and understanding that testosterone plays a big part of there interactions, 

It really sounds arrogant when I say it is just like looking into a cage, alpha males exist, they constantly look to show their dominance, the subservient types, the ones who look to placate ir be part of the alpha males group, 

The biggest issues arise when two alpha males clash, it can be as simple as one taking a certain piece of equipment out that the other was counting on using, they then have to go off and hire another piece of equipment, 

 I witnessed two such alpha males or Forman go head to head, it started off as “ hey ! I had that booked for my job, you can’t have it”  the other alpha Male then says “ tough it didn’t have your name on it so I am using it, go get one yourself”.

it was a known fact they never got on.

It got heated between them, threats etc, it was when one said “ even if it did have your name on you wouldn’t be able to read it!”  Uh oh,,,,,they chased each other around the yard, slammed doors behind as they ran away into rooms, one giving chase to the other,

it had got totally out of control. Two managers had to restrain the one who was determined to “kill” the other, physical restraint and them saying for Christ sake calm down and stop this, 

It was horrible to witness it. Both big strong men, both supposedly junior managers, responsible for setting an example and leadership skills.

 They should have both been severely disciplined. in my view both sent home and serious action taken, 

 They both received one written warning and it was all soon forgotten about, 

most likely as loosing two experienced long standing team leaders would have caused the company problems. 

 It is a zoo where I work, very dysfunctional,,, chaotic most of the time, pack mentality is a constant,

 I know if I have certain members on my site wether it’s going to be a good harmonious day or one full of issues, 

again team dynamics, 

I have learnt a great deal on how to cope and survive, I don’t fit, I have skills to do my job very well, it tires me out enormously having to keep going. 

Thats my take on picking up and learning social skills, 

Every day is an act a performance, I grow tired and weary playing these games, less able to accept or even realise as society becomes ever more unstable that more people become less and less tolerant and more and more fuelled by feeling hard done by, 

phew,,, should be at the doctors instead of tapping away here, but they text to say cancelled due to gp sickness, rebook another, nice just lost half a days pay thank you, 

 And it wasn’t even my decision to go and see them, just a text to say an appointment had been made for a follow up? That was short notice, only got it last Friday, 

take care everyone, and keep looking listening and gathering information, it can be achievable to interact but only to a given level that will get you by any given situation.

Being totally me doesn’t work, I have tried it, so just react according to any given situation. 

X()x

Haha!  I had a similar situation when I worked on divorce at the County Court.  I noticed that petitions were coming in with a very common mistake, which meant having to send them back - which meant extra cost, and extra work for us.  People were always moaning about having to do it, too.  So I checked the guidance notes for completing petitions and found that the instructions on that particular point weren't clear.  I suggested an amendment to make it clearer.  My suggestion was approved by a judge, the notes were edited accordingly, and petitions started coming in without the mistake.  Result!  Except my co-workers were resentful about it.  It seems that some of them actually enjoyed taking the time out to send petitions back with covering letters telling petitioners, basically, that they'd made a mistake and would need to work out where and how. 

sighs

It’s like banging my head against a brick walk. Only I want to bang theirs! lol! 

Yes I had an incident like that last week at work.  Relatively simple problem, relatively simple fix that might require a small bit of tweaking to work out exactly what the product needs to work the way desired.  People have already been given all the necessary documentation (several times) plus an outline of what they need to do.

Since I'm on holiday the NTs go off a silly tangent and then moan that they don't like their way of doing it because it's hard, and are now asking for all sorts of stupid product changes.  Well if you'd done what I told you do in the first place, and asked for help at the first point it didn't work...

ARGH!

But the fact you're already sat there means you've agreed in principle to be sociable. Being a bit of a people pleaser and smiling and nodding every now and then is just polite.

I look at all these interactions as data acquisition and NT people modelling. I like to study them and their habits & interactions. Like being in a zoo that allows you to get inside the cage.

But the fact you're already sat there means you've agreed in principle to be sociable. Being a bit of a people pleaser and smiling and nodding every now and then is just polite.

I look at all these interactions as data acquisition and NT people modelling. I like to study them and their habits & interactions. Like being in a zoo that allows you to get inside the cage.

I worked in a department that was closing - I didn't want redundance at that time so I moved to a different department - which was open plan and entirely male except for the 2 admin girls.

I've never been anywhere like it - it was all politics and incompetence and backside covering.

I'm interested in watching animals and this place was exactly like a chimp enclosure. I watched the alphas fighting, the old silverbacks hoarding territory over each other, the followers, the assassins, the nasty pieces of work etc.etc.

They also used to make group calls (lines from movies) and it was incredible that these were functioning humans.

I studied the newcomers - they were initially 'different' but within 6 months, they had learned & copied all the behaviours to fit in. It was fascintating to watch.

Unfortunately, I didn't fit in. My quiet, reserved competence was out of place. I could sense them feeling uneasy around me as time went on - like they were forced to behave properly without all the macho swearing.

It was like the crew of the Nostromo realising that Ash was different from them. As time went on, because I hadn't become one of the chimps, the divide was uncomfortable.

Luckily, the manager hated me (because I was moved sideways into his department, my salary was significantly higher than his and he didn't have the skills to manage anything - and my competence made him look really dumb) so he made a sloppy move to get rid of me - that cost them.

Lol thank you plastic,

 Seeing you liken it to being in a zoo made me chuckle. And so here is my work life and how I attempt to interact and what I see as me being very much in the cage,

in many ways a cage, in with the primates but also caged as in stuck, getting by, not liking it but accepting it is achievable and earns me money to exist, I love  my freedom to make decisions, construct many useful things, put  my abilities into it, work hard, have a big sense of achievement.

it is everything that comes with my job that causes issues, the social interaction and team dynamics.  not the actual work, as if I am left alone I am the happiest person in the world, wether it being building a bridge, hand digging a hole, finishing concrete to perfection. Operating an excavator all day, I love my work. Just leave me on my own and give me time and it will be the best job, 

I work as a manual construction worker, we are usually two in a van, me as foreman and a labourer makes the team of two, so always together, long trips driving out to a job, sitting in a van for break time,

it doesn’t take long for it to go very quite, I respond to queries so as to not appear rude, if it were up to me I enjoy silence, I do enjoy chatting if the subject matter is interesting to me, 

It is obvious they struggle whilst being with me because the instant an extra person is needed or arrives at a job we are on they interact a great deal, I see the smiles and body language lift as they some how seem to know just how to interact freely with many laughs and things to witter on about endlessly.

it is a relief for me, but also when there are three or more on one of my jobs it often becomes two against one in some way, 

it can be just teasing or you can see the two really working together in order to cause upset to another, 

Just like being back at school, team dynamics, 

I have worked most of my life in building sites, picked up many ways of integrating socially, it gets me by, I can switch my character completely in an instant if I feel I need to. Being a male dominated arena I choose to exist in , and understanding that testosterone plays a big part of there interactions, 

It really sounds arrogant when I say it is just like looking into a cage, alpha males exist, they constantly look to show their dominance, the subservient types, the ones who look to placate ir be part of the alpha males group, 

The biggest issues arise when two alpha males clash, it can be as simple as one taking a certain piece of equipment out that the other was counting on using, they then have to go off and hire another piece of equipment, 

 I witnessed two such alpha males or Forman go head to head, it started off as “ hey ! I had that booked for my job, you can’t have it”  the other alpha Male then says “ tough it didn’t have your name on it so I am using it, go get one yourself”.

it was a known fact they never got on.

It got heated between them, threats etc, it was when one said “ even if it did have your name on you wouldn’t be able to read it!”  Uh oh,,,,,they chased each other around the yard, slammed doors behind as they ran away into rooms, one giving chase to the other,

it had got totally out of control. Two managers had to restrain the one who was determined to “kill” the other, physical restraint and them saying for Christ sake calm down and stop this, 

It was horrible to witness it. Both big strong men, both supposedly junior managers, responsible for setting an example and leadership skills.

 They should have both been severely disciplined. in my view both sent home and serious action taken, 

 They both received one written warning and it was all soon forgotten about, 

most likely as loosing two experienced long standing team leaders would have caused the company problems. 

 It is a zoo where I work, very dysfunctional,,, chaotic most of the time, pack mentality is a constant,

 I know if I have certain members on my site wether it’s going to be a good harmonious day or one full of issues, 

again team dynamics, 

I have learnt a great deal on how to cope and survive, I don’t fit, I have skills to do my job very well, it tires me out enormously having to keep going. 

Thats my take on picking up and learning social skills, 

Every day is an act a performance, I grow tired and weary playing these games, less able to accept or even realise as society becomes ever more unstable that more people become less and less tolerant and more and more fuelled by feeling hard done by, 

phew,,, should be at the doctors instead of tapping away here, but they text to say cancelled due to gp sickness, rebook another, nice just lost half a days pay thank you, 

 And it wasn’t even my decision to go and see them, just a text to say an appointment had been made for a follow up? That was short notice, only got it last Friday, 

take care everyone, and keep looking listening and gathering information, it can be achievable to interact but only to a given level that will get you by any given situation.

Being totally me doesn’t work, I have tried it, so just react according to any given situation. 

X()x