Social Skills - What do you think?

One thing my assessor said was that I don't really do 2 way conversation. He then added you probably know the rules but it is not something that comes naturally to you.

You seem better than me.  My reaction would be, what rules?

Well I really wish I'd asked that at the time but my mind was reeling. I'm guessing the fact that you are supposed to take turns to keep the conversation going. He was talking about the fact that say someone asks me a question. I will answer it. But I don't ask them back. 

I did exaggerate I bit.  I know some of the rules.  When someone wants to talk about something, they drop hints and wait for you to ask them about the subject.

Other rules are, maintain eye contact, or at least look at the person you're speaking to, smile , nod, end conversation with a polite ending, don't just walk off abruptly without a word.

Unfortunately in my family I was never taught these social niceties.

I did exaggerate I bit.  I know some of the rules.  When someone wants to talk about something, they drop hints and wait for you to ask them about the subject.

Other rules are, maintain eye contact, or at least look at the person you're speaking to, smile , nod, end conversation with a polite ending, don't just walk off abruptly without a word.

Unfortunately in my family I was never taught these social niceties.

Don’t you think it would be significantly more pleasant, for all of you, if you told the truth? 

For example, upon meeting somebody new (or anybody really, that you haven’t told), who is going to be sharing the van with you, why wouldn’t you say something along the lines of .......

hey, my name is ......., it’s good to meet you. Before we go any further, there’s something I need to tell you. I’m autistic and one of the areas of my life that is affected by autism is communication. One of the things I really hate is small talk and general chit chat, the type of conversations that most people love and enjoy. I do however, love talking about my special interests, which include ........ and I also love hearing people talk about what they’re passionate about or interested in (if this is true, it’s true for me). I also love silence and I’m aware that some people don’t and that in fact silence makes some people uncomfortable, so if you’re one of those people, I’d be really grateful if you could let me know so we can work something out that suits us both. For example, I don’t listen to the radio or modern music but I do love listening to audio books and meditation/devotional type music. And so on and so forth.

You’d be surprised how quickly people will come to love you for who you are and if you’ve got loads of interests like me, you will soon become the go to guy when they want to know something about something unusual etc. You might even find you share interests with some of them and as a result you enjoy some great conversations. People don’t know who you are so they could never like you, grow closer to you or really get on with you at all in any real sense, because they barely know anything about you. 

I have to say though, I couldn’t do that job if I had to be travelling with other people so often. I can be in a car with somebody sometimes but I couldn’t do it on a regular basis. It’s just not something I could do and if my life depended on it, I’d simply have to die because I couldn’t bare being in such a confined space for so long and so often with other humans. 

People often like the odd one out, when they get to know us, when we give them a chance to know us. 

Where are you experiencing pain in the back, is it too, middle or bottom? 

Not much choice, ignoring them puts me in a position of they shun me, we work as a group. Manual work, one van often two at times three crammed in, long trips out, lunch breaks in a van, every day nearly different sites, different area, also team work is a need, take turns and support the other with work load, not an admin job, pure physical stuff , 

Thank you for reading my daily work and life story, it can be good but often worse, depends entirely on who I am with any given day, right now, my labourer has a knackered knee, means well but as he isn’t as able bodied I have to do more, it works both ways, sadly I am suffering with a chronic back issue, so more and more unable to fulfill my duties, 

thsnk hou. X()x

I worked in a department that was closing - I didn't want redundance at that time so I moved to a different department - which was open plan and entirely male except for the 2 admin girls.

I've never been anywhere like it - it was all politics and incompetence and backside covering.

I'm interested in watching animals and this place was exactly like a chimp enclosure. I watched the alphas fighting, the old silverbacks hoarding territory over each other, the followers, the assassins, the nasty pieces of work etc.etc.

They also used to make group calls (lines from movies) and it was incredible that these were functioning humans.

I studied the newcomers - they were initially 'different' but within 6 months, they had learned & copied all the behaviours to fit in. It was fascintating to watch.

Unfortunately, I didn't fit in. My quiet, reserved competence was out of place. I could sense them feeling uneasy around me as time went on - like they were forced to behave properly without all the macho swearing.

It was like the crew of the Nostromo realising that Ash was different from them. As time went on, because I hadn't become one of the chimps, the divide was uncomfortable.

Luckily, the manager hated me (because I was moved sideways into his department, my salary was significantly higher than his and he didn't have the skills to manage anything - and my competence made him look really dumb) so he made a sloppy move to get rid of me - that cost them.

You can’t understand why your work colleagues tell stories about holidays etc but I can’t understand why you listen to it if you don’t enjoy it? 

Lol thank you plastic,

 Seeing you liken it to being in a zoo made me chuckle. And so here is my work life and how I attempt to interact and what I see as me being very much in the cage,

in many ways a cage, in with the primates but also caged as in stuck, getting by, not liking it but accepting it is achievable and earns me money to exist, I love  my freedom to make decisions, construct many useful things, put  my abilities into it, work hard, have a big sense of achievement.

it is everything that comes with my job that causes issues, the social interaction and team dynamics.  not the actual work, as if I am left alone I am the happiest person in the world, wether it being building a bridge, hand digging a hole, finishing concrete to perfection. Operating an excavator all day, I love my work. Just leave me on my own and give me time and it will be the best job, 

I work as a manual construction worker, we are usually two in a van, me as foreman and a labourer makes the team of two, so always together, long trips driving out to a job, sitting in a van for break time,

it doesn’t take long for it to go very quite, I respond to queries so as to not appear rude, if it were up to me I enjoy silence, I do enjoy chatting if the subject matter is interesting to me, 

It is obvious they struggle whilst being with me because the instant an extra person is needed or arrives at a job we are on they interact a great deal, I see the smiles and body language lift as they some how seem to know just how to interact freely with many laughs and things to witter on about endlessly.

it is a relief for me, but also when there are three or more on one of my jobs it often becomes two against one in some way, 

it can be just teasing or you can see the two really working together in order to cause upset to another, 

Just like being back at school, team dynamics, 

I have worked most of my life in building sites, picked up many ways of integrating socially, it gets me by, I can switch my character completely in an instant if I feel I need to. Being a male dominated arena I choose to exist in , and understanding that testosterone plays a big part of there interactions, 

It really sounds arrogant when I say it is just like looking into a cage, alpha males exist, they constantly look to show their dominance, the subservient types, the ones who look to placate ir be part of the alpha males group, 

The biggest issues arise when two alpha males clash, it can be as simple as one taking a certain piece of equipment out that the other was counting on using, they then have to go off and hire another piece of equipment, 

 I witnessed two such alpha males or Forman go head to head, it started off as “ hey ! I had that booked for my job, you can’t have it”  the other alpha Male then says “ tough it didn’t have your name on it so I am using it, go get one yourself”.

it was a known fact they never got on.

It got heated between them, threats etc, it was when one said “ even if it did have your name on you wouldn’t be able to read it!”  Uh oh,,,,,they chased each other around the yard, slammed doors behind as they ran away into rooms, one giving chase to the other,

it had got totally out of control. Two managers had to restrain the one who was determined to “kill” the other, physical restraint and them saying for Christ sake calm down and stop this, 

It was horrible to witness it. Both big strong men, both supposedly junior managers, responsible for setting an example and leadership skills.

 They should have both been severely disciplined. in my view both sent home and serious action taken, 

 They both received one written warning and it was all soon forgotten about, 

most likely as loosing two experienced long standing team leaders would have caused the company problems. 

 It is a zoo where I work, very dysfunctional,,, chaotic most of the time, pack mentality is a constant,

 I know if I have certain members on my site wether it’s going to be a good harmonious day or one full of issues, 

again team dynamics, 

I have learnt a great deal on how to cope and survive, I don’t fit, I have skills to do my job very well, it tires me out enormously having to keep going. 

Thats my take on picking up and learning social skills, 

Every day is an act a performance, I grow tired and weary playing these games, less able to accept or even realise as society becomes ever more unstable that more people become less and less tolerant and more and more fuelled by feeling hard done by, 

phew,,, should be at the doctors instead of tapping away here, but they text to say cancelled due to gp sickness, rebook another, nice just lost half a days pay thank you, 

 And it wasn’t even my decision to go and see them, just a text to say an appointment had been made for a follow up? That was short notice, only got it last Friday, 

take care everyone, and keep looking listening and gathering information, it can be achievable to interact but only to a given level that will get you by any given situation.

Being totally me doesn’t work, I have tried it, so just react according to any given situation. 

X()x

Haha!  I had a similar situation when I worked on divorce at the County Court.  I noticed that petitions were coming in with a very common mistake, which meant having to send them back - which meant extra cost, and extra work for us.  People were always moaning about having to do it, too.  So I checked the guidance notes for completing petitions and found that the instructions on that particular point weren't clear.  I suggested an amendment to make it clearer.  My suggestion was approved by a judge, the notes were edited accordingly, and petitions started coming in without the mistake.  Result!  Except my co-workers were resentful about it.  It seems that some of them actually enjoyed taking the time out to send petitions back with covering letters telling petitioners, basically, that they'd made a mistake and would need to work out where and how. 

sighs

It’s like banging my head against a brick walk. Only I want to bang theirs! lol! 

Yes I had an incident like that last week at work.  Relatively simple problem, relatively simple fix that might require a small bit of tweaking to work out exactly what the product needs to work the way desired.  People have already been given all the necessary documentation (several times) plus an outline of what they need to do.

Since I'm on holiday the NTs go off a silly tangent and then moan that they don't like their way of doing it because it's hard, and are now asking for all sorts of stupid product changes.  Well if you'd done what I told you do in the first place, and asked for help at the first point it didn't work...

ARGH!

But the fact you're already sat there means you've agreed in principle to be sociable. Being a bit of a people pleaser and smiling and nodding every now and then is just polite.

I look at all these interactions as data acquisition and NT people modelling. I like to study them and their habits & interactions. Like being in a zoo that allows you to get inside the cage.

If someone tells me they have just come back from holiday I usually think “ oh my here we go, ok so tell me all about it, was it good, ? “ when basically I have no interest in hearing how wonderful it was, how expensive it was, it has no meaning to me, why should I need to fill my head with there holiday story? . I Really don’t know why my work colleagues find it so necessary to talk about such random topics, they definitely belong to a secret club I have no ambition of joining, they seem to know so much about little details, how the kids are, where they drink, whst football game they watched, 

unless it is about the work we are doing, or in some way interesting as in technical or factual about machinery ir even previous jobs that were similar or maybe could make this job easier u have no real interest,

 I also have been told I don’t allow anyone to talk, I also quite often interrupt if I have a specific relevant point to add, mostly as if I don’t do it straight away I will forget it. 

My sge has taught me how to interact, but it isn’t easy, it is an act in order to fit, it rarely causes me distress, just annoys me having to play the game,  I know the men think I am quite and even boring, if working with one for some time we talk less and less as time goes by, but if another worker joins us they light up, start rabbuting away, I like that as I no longer have to try to be civil and make conversation.

... same again and in truth, there is no motivation for me to sit and listen to someone babbling when I could be reading a book about Abraham Lincoln or Socrates. I have zero interest in most of their babble and even less, in fact, zero interest in faking interest. I did that. It nearly killed me. But fortunately for me it never, and now I’m never trying that again. 

I never could fake it, so why try? It’s a ridiculous proposition, now I understand myself. It’s like banging my head against a brick walk. Only I want to bang theirs! lol! 

Same 

Plastic, this is a good tactic and one ive used!

Having read lots about AS and as self-diagnosed one of the things which comes up is people with AS will talk and not notice the listener is bored. I have found this to be the case with people i would class as neurotypical. They can go on and on. On reflection i think its because I dont give off signals of boredom because i want to be polite (a people pleaser) and i have only lately started to learn that sometimes you need to do what everyone else does and think about your own needs in a social situation.

Re asking reciprocal questions in a conversation i know plenty of people (classed as typical) who when in their company are often so self absorbed they dont ask a single question to me. Again i used to think its because they were not bothered about me. Then i thought it was their problem. Then i learned you have to give a little bit then they will (sometimes) dig deeper. The problem i have is sometimes thry dont ask a question (so do i just continue) or what i say doesnt come across as meaningful so they dont dig deeper. Or, they do dig deeper but i myself dont know where im going with it so it fizzles out.

Id also like to add that growing up id often notice i would start talking about something and i knew the other person didnt have my full attention. I used to have a complex i was boring then i thoughts turned to well its they who are rude. Now i think its because when i am listening to someone they have my full attention and i expect the same from others when in reality ive realised a lot of social communication is just for the sake of it with no real purpose. This is one if the reasons i think i have AS as ive had to LEARN these things after analysing myself and others. And that things have become more apparent as ive read about AS.

The problem with this strategy is I have the world's worst poker face. People always say I look bored when they've been talking for a while. I just switch off completely. Even kids that I work with have turned round and said are you even listening to me. It must be really obvious when I have stopped listening. Haha.

The easiest way to deal with this is to start the conversation - "anyone got anything nice coming up?" Then let them do all the talking - you're classed as a good listener then.

See I hate conversations like this. Conversations to me have a purpose. I can't stand conversation for the sake of conversation. I wouldn't pick up on a hint like this. Even if I did I wouldn't respond because I'd want the conversation to be over. I'd only be interested if they had been somewhere that I was going or possibly if it was somewhere I'd been that I really liked.

I would never think to ask that. I would more likely be thinking, why is this idiot telling me they’ve just come back off their holiday and most of the time, I would ask them! And I would probably add, what part of me told you that I would be remotely interested in where you’ve just come from? 

Hint being dropped.  I've just come back from holiday.

Your response,. Where did you go?, .did you enjoy it,.....

I'm not good with the eye contact or smiling bit. I think I'm quite good at the nodding bit. Problem is sometimes I drift off into my own world and don't listen but carry on nodding. I would probably notice the hints but I don't tend to pick up on what stuff like that means. 

I don’t know the one about dropping hints and I wouldn’t pick them up anyway nor would I want to.