Published on 12, July, 2020
Can you truly learn social skills? This is something I've been wondering about since getting diagnosed.
My social skills aren't brilliant. I don't do well working in groups and I find social occasions difficult a lot of the time. I must have them to some degree as I manage at work (there have been issues but not regularly) and I do have a small group of friends who although not close, have not completely disowned me yet.
One thing my assessor said was that I don't really do 2 way conversation. He then added you probably know the rules but it is not something that comes naturally to you. So does this mean I can do it but I choose not to? Or I know how to do it but simply can't put it into practice?
I know there are people that have said they have used self help books with success but what I wonder is using these like acting/masking. You can put on a front and manage a successful social interaction or can you truly learn how to socialise better and it become an innate behaviour.
Apart from it causing me anxiety, my general issues with social interaction tend to be:
Sorry for this being a long waffly post but it's been on my mind for a while. What I'm wondering is, do I just need to accept this is how I am? Or can I actually learn to manage better?
Pretty much the same with me. I've learned through listening and observation, and can follow the 'rules' to a certain extent. But it never feels natural. It's a bit like learning the rules of social etiquette: how to hold a cup, how to address the Queen, which knives and spoons to use and all that palaver. I can go along with it. But it all feels a little artificial and pointless.
NTs seem to know it instinctively. Like some people are naturally talented at music, or art. They can do without seeming effort what we need to practice long and hard at... and still make mistakes at. That's how I see it, anyway.
Yes you've explained it well. I think that was what I was wondering really. If I made the effort to try and improve would it always be that feeling of effort and artificialness. It would it one day become instinctive?
I'm 62 now, I've studied psychology, taken courses in active listening, had a therapist who really helped me understand my own head, and I've worked like hell to be able to camouflage effectively but, for me, it's no more 'natural' now than when I was blundering around ignorantly in my teens and 20s wondering why the hell the world was such a hostile place.
It never comes naturally but I think it's worth trying to learn how to fake it when necessary and also to moderate things like my need for everything to be exactly as I left it or for everyone to think strategically and be efficiently goal-orientated. I can't be flipping out because someone used my stapler and put it back in the wrong drawer, puts the wrong lid on a saucepan, or doesn't nest the bowls properly. It *does* radically improve the experience of having to be in the world even if it's always going to be a gargantuan effort.
It's still completely exhausting getting myself onto a train or a plane and not leave my bag somewhere. Work is a grinding, stressful, marathon. But I'm really grateful that I'm able to work at all.
Having said all that, there's balance in all things and it's equally - more - important to develop a sense of self-worth that doesn't hang on being as much like everyone else as possible. I keep it really clear in my mind that camouflage has specific goals and isn't about who I am.
Ye I can't stand seeing myself on video at all. Let alone watching my attempts at social interaction. I'd never thought about actors watching their work back. I know if it was me I would criticise every part of my performance (that just seems to be my natural setting).
If only we had the gift of being able to see ourselves as the rest of the world sees us. I think I would just cringe the whole time.
I often wonder how it must be for film actors when they go to see films that they're in. Are the constantly looking for ways to improve their performance? Are they looking for all the things they're doing wrong? Are they conscious of all their little physical imperfections? (Goodness... don't my ears look big at that angle!) I don't think I could do it. It must take supreme self-confidence.
Not entirely sure what that means!
It became instinctive to me and if there’s one thing I would regret in life (but I don’t), it would be that. That I got so good at masking, that it became my instinct. It still brought me absolutely no reward whatsoever, so now I don’t do it.
My task now, is to unlearn what I learned, that isn’t useful to my new awareness of the diagnosis, use what is useful and create a life that is suited to me, regardless of what that looks like to anybody else. And I accept absolutely, no barriers to what I want. Why would I? Haven’t I got a right to a meaningful, happy, productive and successful life, in whatever way that means to me?
So no, I have enough skills at communicating with nt’s to do what I need to do, and that’s enough for me. For now anyway, and isn’t now, all we have?
'Wud some pow'r the giftie gi'e us
to see ourselves as others see us.'
Robbie Burns
It reminds me, too, of the time I split up from my last partner. We were at that end-stage of the accusations and charges. She said to me:
'You would come in every morning and just sit there and talk and talk and talk and never let me get a word in edgeways. Then, when I managed to prise something in, you would constantly interrupt me. You never listened!'
I didn't remember it that way at all. That's part of it, I suppose. I feel I'm doing the right things in conversation... and it turns out that I'm not after all.
Ye it's interesting. Maybe I should just film myself everywhere I go.
I have become more aware of the parts I get "wrong" in social situations and I'm becoming more aware of when it irritates people. I just don't seem able to change the way I interact.
But then I think. Do I want to? Do I need to? I have no idea.
Maybe. Maybe not. I think it came home to me a little when I recorded a session I had with a medium who visited me last year. I felt I handed the exchange - the conversational pleasantries, etc - very well. When I played it back later, though, I realised so much. I talked far too much, interrupted, didn't answer questions properly - or went into long digressions that took us away from the point. As I listened, I kept saying 'For goodness sakes, just SHUT UP!' It was obvious, too, that I was boring the woman silly. Even short questions led to endless, directionless rambles...