Published on 12, July, 2020
Can you truly learn social skills? This is something I've been wondering about since getting diagnosed.
My social skills aren't brilliant. I don't do well working in groups and I find social occasions difficult a lot of the time. I must have them to some degree as I manage at work (there have been issues but not regularly) and I do have a small group of friends who although not close, have not completely disowned me yet.
One thing my assessor said was that I don't really do 2 way conversation. He then added you probably know the rules but it is not something that comes naturally to you. So does this mean I can do it but I choose not to? Or I know how to do it but simply can't put it into practice?
I know there are people that have said they have used self help books with success but what I wonder is using these like acting/masking. You can put on a front and manage a successful social interaction or can you truly learn how to socialise better and it become an innate behaviour.
Apart from it causing me anxiety, my general issues with social interaction tend to be:
Sorry for this being a long waffly post but it's been on my mind for a while. What I'm wondering is, do I just need to accept this is how I am? Or can I actually learn to manage better?
Pretty much the same with me. I've learned through listening and observation, and can follow the 'rules' to a certain extent. But it never feels natural. It's a bit like learning the rules of social etiquette: how to hold a cup, how to address the Queen, which knives and spoons to use and all that palaver. I can go along with it. But it all feels a little artificial and pointless.
NTs seem to know it instinctively. Like some people are naturally talented at music, or art. They can do without seeming effort what we need to practice long and hard at... and still make mistakes at. That's how I see it, anyway.
Yes you've explained it well. I think that was what I was wondering really. If I made the effort to try and improve would it always be that feeling of effort and artificialness. It would it one day become instinctive?
Maybe. Maybe not. I think it came home to me a little when I recorded a session I had with a medium who visited me last year. I felt I handed the exchange - the conversational pleasantries, etc - very well. When I played it back later, though, I realised so much. I talked far too much, interrupted, didn't answer questions properly - or went into long digressions that took us away from the point. As I listened, I kept saying 'For goodness sakes, just SHUT UP!' It was obvious, too, that I was boring the woman silly. Even short questions led to endless, directionless rambles...
Ye I can't stand seeing myself on video at all. Let alone watching my attempts at social interaction. I'd never thought about actors watching their work back. I know if it was me I would criticise every part of my performance (that just seems to be my natural setting).
If only we had the gift of being able to see ourselves as the rest of the world sees us. I think I would just cringe the whole time.
I often wonder how it must be for film actors when they go to see films that they're in. Are the constantly looking for ways to improve their performance? Are they looking for all the things they're doing wrong? Are they conscious of all their little physical imperfections? (Goodness... don't my ears look big at that angle!) I don't think I could do it. It must take supreme self-confidence.