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Social Skills - What do you think?

Deleted user
over 5 years ago

Can you truly learn social skills? This is something I've been wondering about since getting diagnosed. 

My social skills aren't brilliant. I don't do well working in groups and I find social occasions difficult a lot of the time. I must have them to some degree as I manage at work (there have been issues but not regularly) and I do have a small group of friends who although not close, have not completely disowned me yet.

One thing my assessor said was that I don't really do 2 way conversation. He then added you probably know the rules but it is not something that comes naturally to you. So does this mean I can do it but I choose not to? Or I know how to do it but simply can't put it into practice?

I know there are people that have said they have used self help books with success but what I wonder is using these like acting/masking. You can put on a front and manage a successful social interaction or can you truly learn how to socialise better and it become an innate behaviour.

Apart from it causing me anxiety, my general issues with social interaction tend to be:

  • I either interrupt conversation and annoy people or can't find a way of entering the conversation (I also get very impatient if I have something to say and can't straight away)
  • I misinterpret jokes and give a straight answer or overreact or I attempt to joke and am misinterpreted
  • I find it very frustrating if others keep making small talk throughout an activity, like continually stopping in the middle of a game or talking over a film
  • I get bored very easily and so can struggle with typical adult social time e.g. just sitting round talking and tend to start annoying people
  • I will talk at length about something I want to talk about even if the other people aren't interested, I find it really difficult to stop even if I am aware the other person is getting fed up

Sorry for this being a long waffly post but it's been on my mind for a while. What I'm wondering is, do I just need to accept this is how I am? Or can I actually learn to manage better?

Parents
  • over 5 years ago
    • I either interrupt conversation and annoy people or can't find a way of entering the conversation (I also get very impatient if I have something to say and can't straight away)
    • I misinterpret jokes and give a straight answer or overreact or I attempt to joke and am misinterpreted
    • I find it very frustrating if others keep making small talk throughout an activity, like continually stopping in the middle of a game or talking over a film
    • I get bored very easily and so can struggle with typical adult social time e.g. just sitting round talking and tend to start annoying people
    • I will talk at length about something I want to talk about even if the other people aren't interested, I find it really difficult to stop even if I am aware the other person is getting fed up

    Pretty much the same with me.  I've learned through listening and observation, and can follow the 'rules' to a certain extent.  But it never feels natural.  It's a bit like learning the rules of social etiquette: how to hold a cup, how to address the Queen, which knives and spoons to use and all that palaver.  I can go along with it.  But it all feels a little artificial and pointless.

    NTs seem to know it instinctively.  Like some people are naturally talented at music, or art.  They can do without seeming effort what we need to practice long and hard at... and still make mistakes at.  That's how I see it, anyway.

  • over 5 years ago in reply to Martian Tom

    Yes you've explained it well. I think that was what I was wondering really. If I made the effort to try and improve would it always be that feeling of effort and artificialness. It would it one day become instinctive?

  • over 5 years ago in reply to Deleted user

    It became instinctive to me and if there’s one thing I would regret in life (but I don’t), it would be that. That I got so good at masking, that it became my instinct. It still brought me absolutely no reward whatsoever, so now I don’t do it. 

    My task now, is to unlearn what I learned, that isn’t useful to my new awareness of the diagnosis, use what is useful and create a life that is suited to me, regardless of what that looks like to anybody else. And I accept absolutely, no barriers to what I want. Why would I? Haven’t I got a right to a meaningful, happy, productive and successful life, in whatever way that means to me? 

    So no, I have enough skills at communicating with nt’s to do what I need to do, and that’s enough for me. For now anyway, and isn’t now, all we have? 

Reply
  • over 5 years ago in reply to Deleted user

    It became instinctive to me and if there’s one thing I would regret in life (but I don’t), it would be that. That I got so good at masking, that it became my instinct. It still brought me absolutely no reward whatsoever, so now I don’t do it. 

    My task now, is to unlearn what I learned, that isn’t useful to my new awareness of the diagnosis, use what is useful and create a life that is suited to me, regardless of what that looks like to anybody else. And I accept absolutely, no barriers to what I want. Why would I? Haven’t I got a right to a meaningful, happy, productive and successful life, in whatever way that means to me? 

    So no, I have enough skills at communicating with nt’s to do what I need to do, and that’s enough for me. For now anyway, and isn’t now, all we have? 

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