Autism and marriage

Hello, I have just joined this forum and haven't even set up my profile properly but when I read your post, I could have written that. I have been married for 28 years too like someone else here further down in the replies [interesting]. I came here because I am about to be diagnosed but the preliminary check has made it quite clear that I have definitively high functioning autism. 

I also seem to behave more autistic since this and for the same reasons as you. It's like I am allowed suddenly to be me and do the things that make me safe, whereas before I have always tried to behave 'normal' in any situation which could often be very stressful, including self harm. It is almost liberating to be myself but yeah, I'd say its what anyone would do. I explained to my husband that it is like 'coming out' as gay and at last be able to behave more gay because it is what you wanted to do all along but suppressed it. 

To say 'stop being so autistic' is like telling a gay person to stop being so gay. 

My husband kind of accepts it and we have less arguments based on the autism but he also said a few times to ''work on it' and 'stop being so autistic'. That's when the gay comparison comes out. I think it takes time for  a partner to accept it fully. I know that when I was diagnosed with CFS, it took years for my husband to completely believe it. 

Hang in there I say and explain what you wrote here. At least you caught it early. I have only realised that all my weirdness, impoliteness, planning of everything, taking things too literal etc etc is down to autism. I even have a degree in Neuroscience which I took mainly because i always knew something was wrong/different about me I just didn't know what. 

Maybe show him some of the answers you got and liked. If he doesn't want to read them explain at a calm time when it suits it better and maybe in a lighthearted way. All I know is that it will take a long time for him to sink in but it will in the end. 

I have told work and occi health have put in an action plan should I need it. I will also have set shifts. I think it boils down to my anxiety and low confidence. I will be on a perceptership and have a supernumerary period so hopefully transition should be smooth. 

I have been left traumatised by things that has happened in my marriage and because we are bad at communicating it fuels the fire. I feel now I have a diagnosis I know myself pretty well it’s just geing other people to see that and understand. I need to take a leaf out of your book and just ignore him. 

I asked him to take asd test today and it turns out he is also autistic so that explained why the communication is so bad. We need to find a way to be able to do that so we understand each other better. 

Thank you so much for your insight. 

Firstly, well done for doing and passing your nursing degree, it’s not easy when you’re also bringing up children while studying so that’s a fantastic achievement. I think it’s normal to be apprehensive about going from student to nurse. You may already know that newly qualified nurses get a 6 month preceptorship where you’re still supervised until all competencies have been signed off so that will help to smooth the transition, you won’t just be expected to do everything independently straight away. 

Although knowing that we are Autistic is new to us. Being Autistic isn’t new, we were born with it. In theory (though I’m aware theory and practical don’t always correlate) you shouldn’t find anything any harder now than you did before your diagnosis. If anything having that diagnosis should give us the insight and knowledge to address struggles we have always had more effectively. In theory you shouldn’t be struggling with anything at work that you haven’t already found difficult pre-diagnosis. Personally I find ASD helps me at work as I’m very particular and don’t tend to make the silly errors that others can make. I guess I can also be very task oriented but to be honest nursing is a vocation and you learn on the job, you’ll learn over time how to interact more effectively with the patients.

You should disclose your diagnosis to your work as if you ever struggle at work as a result of your autism then it’s better than they already know. They should also make reasonable adjustments if necessary. They shouldn’t (again in theory) judge you because of it. 

I read some of your other replies to this post and the situation at home sounds historically quite complex. I wouldn’t be surprised if some of the things that have happened have left you feeling quite traumatised? I feel like your husband needs to acknowledge the effect things may have had on you. Any relationship, regardless of neurological status needs good communication to work. 

With regards to labels. It’s annoying when everything I do has to be attributed to some label or another! I guess I’m lucky in that although I’m only recently diagnosed with ASD, I’ve had nearly 12 years of knowing that I’m neurodiverse so I know myself very well neurologically, I know what is due to brain injury/ASD and what is normal so if my husband tells me something I’ve done/said or haven’t done or said is due to ASD/brain injury when I know it’s not and it’s just normal differences between people, then I’ll tell him so, or just ignore him! 

That’s the other thing that stresses me out transitioning from student to nurse. I know it’s normal to be stressed and not ready but I have the added factor of my autism to factor in. Since I’m having problems at home  bevause of my autism will that happen at work, should I tell them will they understand, how much support will I get if I need it? The only problem I’ve notice at work is I become task orinated and some times forget I’m looking after a human and I have to make time to ask them if there ok, I find I click with some patients more than others but again an element of that is normal.  In a way I’m glad I was diagnosed but the negative side of that is everyone just blames the label so I totally understand where your coming from. Autism doesn’t define me it’s just part of who I am 

Hi there, I’m a 38 year old mother of 3, myself and my husband have been married for nearly 8 years, together nearly 11. I’ve recently been diagnosed ASD. Incidently I’m a RNMH ( nursing is a good career choice :-) ) I also have an acquired brain injury which I acquired nearly 12 years ago. I also find juggling work with home life and children really stressful. I really feel for you and the struggles you are facing with your husband. My husband accepts my diagnosis and when he read the assessment report said “that doctors got it spot on, that report completely explains everything about you from the 10 years we’ve lived together’ though bizarrely prior to my diagnosis, he though I was making it up!! However, what I find is that anything I do or say that is out of line with what he wants me to do or say, he blames it on my neurological stuff. Prior to my ASD diagnosis everything and anything got blamed on the brain injury but now it’s all due to Aspergers. Like I’m not allowed to have a mind of my own maybe? Any decision I make that’s not in keeping with what he thinks I should say or do is due to me having Aspergers!!!??? He says he particularly struggles with how fixed I am (mental rigidity and perseveration are also symptoms of brain injury as well as ASD so I have a double whammy on those) but honestly sometimes I think he’s just being b.minded. It feels like to him I’m just a label not a person.

That makes so much sense I will try to explain this to him, I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression before autistim so I believe that too. I just can’t get through to him. 

Does he understand that your autism gives you an ability to cover your symptoms as long the stress is manageable - but the stress overload makes 'autie things' accidentally pop out?

You are just as autisitc as you've always been - but you've reached the limit of being able to hide it..

Autistic people are often labelled as depressed too.

Thank you for your reply. 

We commuincate best through text so in arguments it’s best done this way. It upsets me his actions don’t match his texts. I could learn to expect this. 

I’ve  told him before I feel like his autistic as his very similar to me if not worst in some respects. However he sees autistim very negatively so will not entertain taking a test. He hates change. Hence won’t change his job, avoids socialising unless on his terms, hates communicating, doesn’t seem to understand or except where I’m coming from. 

I will look up the book to see if it helps, even thought I have autistim I know what I like and don’t like and I’m able to communicate my needs, however he doesn’t, he also has depression which he blames a lot of things on this. I just feel like I’m the only one trying 

I know from personal experience that night shifts can wreck havoc on a relationship. My ex changed to night shifts and I barely saw him, yet he didn't understand why this change may be upsetting. I can only imagine how much more difficult things must be with four children.

Firstly, this is not your fault. It sounds as though you have tried different methods to resolve things and have tried to communicate your needs, but he just is not listening. Have you tried to write them down for him to make sure everything is said? I know it can be difficult to communicate feelings under pressure. It makes me feel vulnerable so I can't express myself and I sometimes forget things too. 

Secondly, I think any woman would struggle in your shoes. People grossly underestimate how difficult taking care of children is. It is exhausting! (I don't have children because I know I won't be able to cope.) On top of that, he expects you to provide a meal of his choice. If you don't work out what he wants, he criticises you? Honestly! If the roles were reversed, he'd be horrified. The fact you have autism just makes his behaviour even more unforgivable. He should appreciate how much you do taking care of the children and give you down time to decompress. The fact he isn't doing this makes me think he's either lacking in empathy, selfish, a misogynist - or possibly all of these things. 

Has he read any literature about autism? There's a very good book called "22 Things A Woman with Aspergers Wants Her Partner to Know." Perhaps this will help him to understand.

Whilst writing this, I also wonder whether it's possible he has autism? The fact he has a child with autism from a previous relationship makes me wonder this. It is also possible that he can't, as opposed to won't, put himself in your shoes. He may not see the logical reason for quitting his job or changing his routine. It's just a thought. Has he completed an online assessment?

The kids are 13 (autistic) 10, 9 (autistic) and 5 my husband avoids communication and  conflict and he has got by by not discussing his feelings and put everyone else first. He can no longer do this. I’m never sure what he wants and because he doesn’t say I assume he is ok so the problem just builds up. We never have any free time, I’ve asjed him to change jobs but he doesn’t see why he should . I know I love him but can’t carry on like this I’d rather be on my own if we are going to argue every other day over stupid things. 

I can’t see my future at the minute as I’m so stressed I just take it day by day. 

It all sounds very chaotic and you have my sympathy.

Are the kids young or teenagers? 4 kids is hard work for normal relationships and shift work just adds to the stress. How do you find time to relax and wind down? Are you able to push the kids onto grandparents for weekends to give you breathing space?

Do you understand your husband? Have you asked him what he's looking for out of life? What do you like to do together? Can you get away together for a weekend?

A lot of the chaos in your life can be sorted with honest communication - do you ever e-mail each other to be able to communicate without the face to face anger?

Do you know what you are looking for from life? Do you have an ideal destination?

Thank you for your reply. 

My home if is is very chaotic as we have two autistic children my husband works shifts and I was a student. I have not started work yet I start on the new year, the thought of starting scars the life out of me. 

I do take medication to take the edge of my anxiety and stress but I feel if my husband was more understand he would realise that I’m stressed and rather then have a go at me ask me if I’m ok, or offer to help. I’ve done the whole eat what your givenbut he just doesn’t eat then I get excused of not providing for him. I really feel it boils down to communicated and his reluctance to accept certain aspects of my autism. I get told well if it’s ok for me to behave a certain way then it’s ok for him, he doesn’t understand I can’t control certain aspects of my autism. 

I feel I’ve copied with a lot dispute my autism I’ve completed a degree I’ve took on two children who aren’t mine that were abused by there mother. With any support from family, one of his children is autistic and accused me of abusing her because she didn’t like having boundaries out in place, these resulted in my in laws falling out with me. When the child admitted she lied the damage had been done. This caused massive issues between my husband and me as he wouldn’t stick up for me. I’ve had so many problems in this relationship I’m lost I don’t know which bits relate to my autism and which bits relate to normal behaviour I just get told it’s my fault all the time. 

Thats where the family therapy comes in  to help deal with those issues but I’m struggling. I feel like no understands me and my husband feels like I don’t understand him. 

Hi - I'm Asperger's and I've been married over 28 years.

I found the more work responsibility and stress that I got lumbered with, the more decompression time I needed at home. If people interrupted the home decompression time, then the stress went straight back to 99% again and it took longer to wind down. In this high-stress mode, I was likely to bark or bite or quickly get into an arguement.

It got to the point where there was no 'me' time between work stress & sleep - I was still buzzing all evening because of interruptions.

It sounds like you need do de-stress your life somehow - by managing your home time better or being a bit selfish and having a mandatory 'leave me alone' period where people do not hassle you until you can calm down from the day.

Or maybe look at organising your work life to reduce your stress build-up in the first place - what can your work do for you?.

The dinner thing just requires agreement that it's either choose it yourself or put up with the results - no arguement..

I've done a lot of thinking about my stress triggers and it all boils down to chaos - an unpredictable environment or random interruptions or unplanned changes to routine etc. Most can be engineered out if you think about them from that angle and put some simple rules in place.

I imagine a family therapist won't understand the reasons you get stressed it they don't know about autism.

Do you and your husband get any 'no kids' time?