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Autism and marriage

NAS50303

I am a 33 year old mother of 2 step children and 2 bio children. I have recently been diagnosed with high functioning autism and have recently completed a nursing degree. I found juggling home and university life very stressful which has had a massive impact on my family. While I have always been autistic my husband is struggling to accept my diagnosis. He says my behaviours have gotten worse since being diagnosed, while I agree slightly with this statement I feel since my diagnosis  I’m allowed to be who I am and not pretend to be someone I’m not which is very exhausting. I find this really hard to understand as we have been together for 8 years and it’s only now my behaviour is a problem. The behaviours he struggles with are nit picking, I can understand this as sometimes I say mean or inappropriate things. I like rountine but can change my plans if given enough notice. I see things very black and white which makes communication difficult, however if explained correctly using direct language I do understand. Im funny with affection as I don’t like to be touched only if it’s on my terms. I do not like things sprung on me as it makes me anxious. Just lately all are problem he says are because of my autism and we are close to splitting up and getting a divorce. I feel like he has lost patience with me and I’m crying every other day. We have tried marriage counselling and are currently having family therapy but it doesn’t seem to work. I feel my partner lacks understanding, he feels I lack empathy and I don’t care for him but that’s not true. Even simple things like what to have for dinner turn into a massive argument because I’m annoyed at his lack of assertiveness and his annoyed at me managing everything.  I just don’t know what to do anymore, he says I don’t notice what wrong which I don’t I need to be told then I can address it. I feel like communication and his lack of understanding about autism is the problem but I just get told I’m the problem all the time and it’s making me paranoid. Dispute the autism I am a caring  loving person I just need guidance in the right direction as  I’m not a mind readers and don’t understand body language very well.

has anyone else been in the situation as nothing is working. I’d be grateful to here how other people have dealt with these or similar issues 

Parents

  • Hi - I'm Asperger's and I've been married over 28 years.

    I found the more work responsibility and stress that I got lumbered with, the more decompression time I needed at home. If people interrupted the home decompression time, then the stress went straight back to 99% again and it took longer to wind down. In this high-stress mode, I was likely to bark or bite or quickly get into an arguement.

    It got to the point where there was no 'me' time between work stress & sleep - I was still buzzing all evening because of interruptions.

    It sounds like you need do de-stress your life somehow - by managing your home time better or being a bit selfish and having a mandatory 'leave me alone' period where people do not hassle you until you can calm down from the day.

    Or maybe look at organising your work life to reduce your stress build-up in the first place - what can your work do for you?.

    The dinner thing just requires agreement that it's either choose it yourself or put up with the results - no arguement..

    I've done a lot of thinking about my stress triggers and it all boils down to chaos - an unpredictable environment or random interruptions or unplanned changes to routine etc. Most can be engineered out if you think about them from that angle and put some simple rules in place.

    I imagine a family therapist won't understand the reasons you get stressed it they don't know about autism.

    Do you and your husband get any 'no kids' time?

Reply

  • Hi - I'm Asperger's and I've been married over 28 years.

    I found the more work responsibility and stress that I got lumbered with, the more decompression time I needed at home. If people interrupted the home decompression time, then the stress went straight back to 99% again and it took longer to wind down. In this high-stress mode, I was likely to bark or bite or quickly get into an arguement.

    It got to the point where there was no 'me' time between work stress & sleep - I was still buzzing all evening because of interruptions.

    It sounds like you need do de-stress your life somehow - by managing your home time better or being a bit selfish and having a mandatory 'leave me alone' period where people do not hassle you until you can calm down from the day.

    Or maybe look at organising your work life to reduce your stress build-up in the first place - what can your work do for you?.

    The dinner thing just requires agreement that it's either choose it yourself or put up with the results - no arguement..

    I've done a lot of thinking about my stress triggers and it all boils down to chaos - an unpredictable environment or random interruptions or unplanned changes to routine etc. Most can be engineered out if you think about them from that angle and put some simple rules in place.

    I imagine a family therapist won't understand the reasons you get stressed it they don't know about autism.

    Do you and your husband get any 'no kids' time?

Children
  • in reply to Plastic

    Thank you for your reply. 

    My home if is is very chaotic as we have two autistic children my husband works shifts and I was a student. I have not started work yet I start on the new year, the thought of starting scars the life out of me. 

    I do take medication to take the edge of my anxiety and stress but I feel if my husband was more understand he would realise that I’m stressed and rather then have a go at me ask me if I’m ok, or offer to help. I’ve done the whole eat what your givenbut he just doesn’t eat then I get excused of not providing for him. I really feel it boils down to communicated and his reluctance to accept certain aspects of my autism. I get told well if it’s ok for me to behave a certain way then it’s ok for him, he doesn’t understand I can’t control certain aspects of my autism. 

    I feel I’ve copied with a lot dispute my autism I’ve completed a degree I’ve took on two children who aren’t mine that were abused by there mother. With any support from family, one of his children is autistic and accused me of abusing her because she didn’t like having boundaries out in place, these resulted in my in laws falling out with me. When the child admitted she lied the damage had been done. This caused massive issues between my husband and me as he wouldn’t stick up for me. I’ve had so many problems in this relationship I’m lost I don’t know which bits relate to my autism and which bits relate to normal behaviour I just get told it’s my fault all the time. 

    Thats where the family therapy comes in  to help deal with those issues but I’m struggling. I feel like no understands me and my husband feels like I don’t understand him.