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Autism and marriage

NAS50303

I am a 33 year old mother of 2 step children and 2 bio children. I have recently been diagnosed with high functioning autism and have recently completed a nursing degree. I found juggling home and university life very stressful which has had a massive impact on my family. While I have always been autistic my husband is struggling to accept my diagnosis. He says my behaviours have gotten worse since being diagnosed, while I agree slightly with this statement I feel since my diagnosis  I’m allowed to be who I am and not pretend to be someone I’m not which is very exhausting. I find this really hard to understand as we have been together for 8 years and it’s only now my behaviour is a problem. The behaviours he struggles with are nit picking, I can understand this as sometimes I say mean or inappropriate things. I like rountine but can change my plans if given enough notice. I see things very black and white which makes communication difficult, however if explained correctly using direct language I do understand. Im funny with affection as I don’t like to be touched only if it’s on my terms. I do not like things sprung on me as it makes me anxious. Just lately all are problem he says are because of my autism and we are close to splitting up and getting a divorce. I feel like he has lost patience with me and I’m crying every other day. We have tried marriage counselling and are currently having family therapy but it doesn’t seem to work. I feel my partner lacks understanding, he feels I lack empathy and I don’t care for him but that’s not true. Even simple things like what to have for dinner turn into a massive argument because I’m annoyed at his lack of assertiveness and his annoyed at me managing everything.  I just don’t know what to do anymore, he says I don’t notice what wrong which I don’t I need to be told then I can address it. I feel like communication and his lack of understanding about autism is the problem but I just get told I’m the problem all the time and it’s making me paranoid. Dispute the autism I am a caring  loving person I just need guidance in the right direction as  I’m not a mind readers and don’t understand body language very well.

has anyone else been in the situation as nothing is working. I’d be grateful to here how other people have dealt with these or similar issues 

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  • I know from personal experience that night shifts can wreck havoc on a relationship. My ex changed to night shifts and I barely saw him, yet he didn't understand why this change may be upsetting. I can only imagine how much more difficult things must be with four children.

    Firstly, this is not your fault. It sounds as though you have tried different methods to resolve things and have tried to communicate your needs, but he just is not listening. Have you tried to write them down for him to make sure everything is said? I know it can be difficult to communicate feelings under pressure. It makes me feel vulnerable so I can't express myself and I sometimes forget things too. 

    Secondly, I think any woman would struggle in your shoes. People grossly underestimate how difficult taking care of children is. It is exhausting! (I don't have children because I know I won't be able to cope.) On top of that, he expects you to provide a meal of his choice. If you don't work out what he wants, he criticises you? Honestly! If the roles were reversed, he'd be horrified. The fact you have autism just makes his behaviour even more unforgivable. He should appreciate how much you do taking care of the children and give you down time to decompress. The fact he isn't doing this makes me think he's either lacking in empathy, selfish, a misogynist - or possibly all of these things. 

    Has he read any literature about autism? There's a very good book called "22 Things A Woman with Aspergers Wants Her Partner to Know." Perhaps this will help him to understand.

    Whilst writing this, I also wonder whether it's possible he has autism? The fact he has a child with autism from a previous relationship makes me wonder this. It is also possible that he can't, as opposed to won't, put himself in your shoes. He may not see the logical reason for quitting his job or changing his routine. It's just a thought. Has he completed an online assessment?

  • in reply to NAS50292

    Does he understand that your autism gives you an ability to cover your symptoms as long the stress is manageable - but the stress overload makes 'autie things' accidentally pop out?

    You are just as autisitc as you've always been - but you've reached the limit of being able to hide it..

    Autistic people are often labelled as depressed too.

  • in reply to Plastic

    That makes so much sense I will try to explain this to him, I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression before autistim so I believe that too. I just can’t get through to him. 

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