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Autism and marriage

NAS50303

I am a 33 year old mother of 2 step children and 2 bio children. I have recently been diagnosed with high functioning autism and have recently completed a nursing degree. I found juggling home and university life very stressful which has had a massive impact on my family. While I have always been autistic my husband is struggling to accept my diagnosis. He says my behaviours have gotten worse since being diagnosed, while I agree slightly with this statement I feel since my diagnosis  I’m allowed to be who I am and not pretend to be someone I’m not which is very exhausting. I find this really hard to understand as we have been together for 8 years and it’s only now my behaviour is a problem. The behaviours he struggles with are nit picking, I can understand this as sometimes I say mean or inappropriate things. I like rountine but can change my plans if given enough notice. I see things very black and white which makes communication difficult, however if explained correctly using direct language I do understand. Im funny with affection as I don’t like to be touched only if it’s on my terms. I do not like things sprung on me as it makes me anxious. Just lately all are problem he says are because of my autism and we are close to splitting up and getting a divorce. I feel like he has lost patience with me and I’m crying every other day. We have tried marriage counselling and are currently having family therapy but it doesn’t seem to work. I feel my partner lacks understanding, he feels I lack empathy and I don’t care for him but that’s not true. Even simple things like what to have for dinner turn into a massive argument because I’m annoyed at his lack of assertiveness and his annoyed at me managing everything.  I just don’t know what to do anymore, he says I don’t notice what wrong which I don’t I need to be told then I can address it. I feel like communication and his lack of understanding about autism is the problem but I just get told I’m the problem all the time and it’s making me paranoid. Dispute the autism I am a caring  loving person I just need guidance in the right direction as  I’m not a mind readers and don’t understand body language very well.

has anyone else been in the situation as nothing is working. I’d be grateful to here how other people have dealt with these or similar issues 

Parents

  • Hi there, I’m a 38 year old mother of 3, myself and my husband have been married for nearly 8 years, together nearly 11. I’ve recently been diagnosed ASD. Incidently I’m a RNMH ( nursing is a good career choice :-) ) I also have an acquired brain injury which I acquired nearly 12 years ago. I also find juggling work with home life and children really stressful. I really feel for you and the struggles you are facing with your husband. My husband accepts my diagnosis and when he read the assessment report said “that doctors got it spot on, that report completely explains everything about you from the 10 years we’ve lived together’ though bizarrely prior to my diagnosis, he though I was making it up!! However, what I find is that anything I do or say that is out of line with what he wants me to do or say, he blames it on my neurological stuff. Prior to my ASD diagnosis everything and anything got blamed on the brain injury but now it’s all due to Aspergers. Like I’m not allowed to have a mind of my own maybe? Any decision I make that’s not in keeping with what he thinks I should say or do is due to me having Aspergers!!!??? He says he particularly struggles with how fixed I am (mental rigidity and perseveration are also symptoms of brain injury as well as ASD so I have a double whammy on those) but honestly sometimes I think he’s just being b.minded. It feels like to him I’m just a label not a person.

  • in reply to Kitsune

    That’s the other thing that stresses me out transitioning from student to nurse. I know it’s normal to be stressed and not ready but I have the added factor of my autism to factor in. Since I’m having problems at home  bevause of my autism will that happen at work, should I tell them will they understand, how much support will I get if I need it? The only problem I’ve notice at work is I become task orinated and some times forget I’m looking after a human and I have to make time to ask them if there ok, I find I click with some patients more than others but again an element of that is normal.  In a way I’m glad I was diagnosed but the negative side of that is everyone just blames the label so I totally understand where your coming from. Autism doesn’t define me it’s just part of who I am 

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  • in reply to Kitsune

    That’s the other thing that stresses me out transitioning from student to nurse. I know it’s normal to be stressed and not ready but I have the added factor of my autism to factor in. Since I’m having problems at home  bevause of my autism will that happen at work, should I tell them will they understand, how much support will I get if I need it? The only problem I’ve notice at work is I become task orinated and some times forget I’m looking after a human and I have to make time to ask them if there ok, I find I click with some patients more than others but again an element of that is normal.  In a way I’m glad I was diagnosed but the negative side of that is everyone just blames the label so I totally understand where your coming from. Autism doesn’t define me it’s just part of who I am 

Children
  • in reply to Kitsune

    I have told work and occi health have put in an action plan should I need it. I will also have set shifts. I think it boils down to my anxiety and low confidence. I will be on a perceptership and have a supernumerary period so hopefully transition should be smooth. 

    I have been left traumatised by things that has happened in my marriage and because we are bad at communicating it fuels the fire. I feel now I have a diagnosis I know myself pretty well it’s just geing other people to see that and understand. I need to take a leaf out of your book and just ignore him. JoyJoy

    I asked him to take asd test today and it turns out he is also autistic so that explained why the communication is so bad. We need to find a way to be able to do that so we understand each other better. 

    Thank you so much for your insight. 

  • in reply to NAS50303

    Firstly, well done for doing and passing your nursing degree, it’s not easy when you’re also bringing up children while studying so that’s a fantastic achievement. I think it’s normal to be apprehensive about going from student to nurse. You may already know that newly qualified nurses get a 6 month preceptorship where you’re still supervised until all competencies have been signed off so that will help to smooth the transition, you won’t just be expected to do everything independently straight away. 

    Although knowing that we are Autistic is new to us. Being Autistic isn’t new, we were born with it. In theory (though I’m aware theory and practical don’t always correlate) you shouldn’t find anything any harder now than you did before your diagnosis. If anything having that diagnosis should give us the insight and knowledge to address struggles we have always had more effectively. In theory you shouldn’t be struggling with anything at work that you haven’t already found difficult pre-diagnosis. Personally I find ASD helps me at work as I’m very particular and don’t tend to make the silly errors that others can make. I guess I can also be very task oriented but to be honest nursing is a vocation and you learn on the job, you’ll learn over time how to interact more effectively with the patients.

    You should disclose your diagnosis to your work as if you ever struggle at work as a result of your autism then it’s better than they already know. They should also make reasonable adjustments if necessary. They shouldn’t (again in theory) judge you because of it. 

    I read some of your other replies to this post and the situation at home sounds historically quite complex. I wouldn’t be surprised if some of the things that have happened have left you feeling quite traumatised? I feel like your husband needs to acknowledge the effect things may have had on you. Any relationship, regardless of neurological status needs good communication to work. 

    With regards to labels. It’s annoying when everything I do has to be attributed to some label or another! I guess I’m lucky in that although I’m only recently diagnosed with ASD, I’ve had nearly 12 years of knowing that I’m neurodiverse so I know myself very well neurologically, I know what is due to brain injury/ASD and what is normal so if my husband tells me something I’ve done/said or haven’t done or said is due to ASD/brain injury when I know it’s not and it’s just normal differences between people, then I’ll tell him so, or just ignore him!