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Autism and marriage

NAS50303

I am a 33 year old mother of 2 step children and 2 bio children. I have recently been diagnosed with high functioning autism and have recently completed a nursing degree. I found juggling home and university life very stressful which has had a massive impact on my family. While I have always been autistic my husband is struggling to accept my diagnosis. He says my behaviours have gotten worse since being diagnosed, while I agree slightly with this statement I feel since my diagnosis  I’m allowed to be who I am and not pretend to be someone I’m not which is very exhausting. I find this really hard to understand as we have been together for 8 years and it’s only now my behaviour is a problem. The behaviours he struggles with are nit picking, I can understand this as sometimes I say mean or inappropriate things. I like rountine but can change my plans if given enough notice. I see things very black and white which makes communication difficult, however if explained correctly using direct language I do understand. Im funny with affection as I don’t like to be touched only if it’s on my terms. I do not like things sprung on me as it makes me anxious. Just lately all are problem he says are because of my autism and we are close to splitting up and getting a divorce. I feel like he has lost patience with me and I’m crying every other day. We have tried marriage counselling and are currently having family therapy but it doesn’t seem to work. I feel my partner lacks understanding, he feels I lack empathy and I don’t care for him but that’s not true. Even simple things like what to have for dinner turn into a massive argument because I’m annoyed at his lack of assertiveness and his annoyed at me managing everything.  I just don’t know what to do anymore, he says I don’t notice what wrong which I don’t I need to be told then I can address it. I feel like communication and his lack of understanding about autism is the problem but I just get told I’m the problem all the time and it’s making me paranoid. Dispute the autism I am a caring  loving person I just need guidance in the right direction as  I’m not a mind readers and don’t understand body language very well.

has anyone else been in the situation as nothing is working. I’d be grateful to here how other people have dealt with these or similar issues 

Parents

  • Hello, I have just joined this forum and haven't even set up my profile properly but when I read your post, I could have written that. I have been married for 28 years too like someone else here further down in the replies [interesting]. I came here because I am about to be diagnosed but the preliminary check has made it quite clear that I have definitively high functioning autism. 

    I also seem to behave more autistic since this and for the same reasons as you. It's like I am allowed suddenly to be me and do the things that make me safe, whereas before I have always tried to behave 'normal' in any situation which could often be very stressful, including self harm. It is almost liberating to be myself but yeah, I'd say its what anyone would do. I explained to my husband that it is like 'coming out' as gay and at last be able to behave more gay because it is what you wanted to do all along but suppressed it. 

    To say 'stop being so autistic' is like telling a gay person to stop being so gay. 

    My husband kind of accepts it and we have less arguments based on the autism but he also said a few times to ''work on it' and 'stop being so autistic'. That's when the gay comparison comes out. I think it takes time for  a partner to accept it fully. I know that when I was diagnosed with CFS, it took years for my husband to completely believe it. 

    Hang in there I say and explain what you wrote here. At least you caught it early. I have only realised that all my weirdness, impoliteness, planning of everything, taking things too literal etc etc is down to autism. I even have a degree in Neuroscience which I took mainly because i always knew something was wrong/different about me I just didn't know what. 

    Maybe show him some of the answers you got and liked. If he doesn't want to read them explain at a calm time when it suits it better and maybe in a lighthearted way. All I know is that it will take a long time for him to sink in but it will in the end. 

Reply

  • Hello, I have just joined this forum and haven't even set up my profile properly but when I read your post, I could have written that. I have been married for 28 years too like someone else here further down in the replies [interesting]. I came here because I am about to be diagnosed but the preliminary check has made it quite clear that I have definitively high functioning autism. 

    I also seem to behave more autistic since this and for the same reasons as you. It's like I am allowed suddenly to be me and do the things that make me safe, whereas before I have always tried to behave 'normal' in any situation which could often be very stressful, including self harm. It is almost liberating to be myself but yeah, I'd say its what anyone would do. I explained to my husband that it is like 'coming out' as gay and at last be able to behave more gay because it is what you wanted to do all along but suppressed it. 

    To say 'stop being so autistic' is like telling a gay person to stop being so gay. 

    My husband kind of accepts it and we have less arguments based on the autism but he also said a few times to ''work on it' and 'stop being so autistic'. That's when the gay comparison comes out. I think it takes time for  a partner to accept it fully. I know that when I was diagnosed with CFS, it took years for my husband to completely believe it. 

    Hang in there I say and explain what you wrote here. At least you caught it early. I have only realised that all my weirdness, impoliteness, planning of everything, taking things too literal etc etc is down to autism. I even have a degree in Neuroscience which I took mainly because i always knew something was wrong/different about me I just didn't know what. 

    Maybe show him some of the answers you got and liked. If he doesn't want to read them explain at a calm time when it suits it better and maybe in a lighthearted way. All I know is that it will take a long time for him to sink in but it will in the end. 

Children
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