What did you assume was responsible for your behavioural issues prior to diagnosis?

I was bullied extremely badly at school for many years, so I had always assumed that my problems were caused by the psychological trauma of those experiences.

Due to my ongoing issues with having an 'unstable identity or sense of self', at various points in the last forty years I have also repeatedly tried to diagnose myself with a variety of conditions, e.g. mild schizophrenia & borderline personality disorder amongst others. I never sought medical help until five years ago when I became severely depressed, mainly because I have always had a pathological fear of ECT & didnt trust the psychiatric profession.

I never really considered Autism because I didn't fit the negative image constantly portrayed in the media. It wasn't until I had effectively failed a year of psychotherapy for depression, that my therapist recommended I should be assessed which then lead to my diagnosis early last year.

Like many other people on this thread though, I have always had 'Problems with Authority' & refuse to respect someone purely because of their social position. Respect always has to be earned & is not automatic. I have also been called 'Blunt' a lot of the time, the most recent of which was just yesterday. Now that I have my diagnosis though, I usually make a joke about it being genetic.

I still don't understand why my head is such a 'Train Wreck' & apparently there is now a possibilty that I might also have ADHD, but in the last eighteen months since I was diagnosed at age 55, at least I finally feel like I am making progress.

So, you don’t have the Haynes manual either! Lol

Exactly.

White knuckle stuff..having to be super adult with a goey childlike centre that wants to run and play... or just can’t work it out

Yes - excellent film - I still identfy with David in AI, Mr Data and Bicentennial Man. Child-like, naive and innocent but exposed to the atrocities of the adult world but not understanding the reality.

Have you seen the wonderful  Metropolis?

I get the kid brain mindset as well... still catching up... child self running after the life bus...laces untied invariably...

Yes - the people you spend most time with. Their traits rub off over time. Avoid the negative.

I have always had a "what if" mentality. I find with most people, "the answer is no - what's the question?" It means I see opportunities for expansion of my mind when others ignore what is in front of them. It fits with my 16-year old's brain.

Different really needs a spin doctor... 

differently rather than badly are terms that I’ll hold onto, if you don’t mind.

Yes, it opens up possibilities of abuse and manipulation...I really need to get out if that existential spin cycle :)

I assume you mean physical proximity? Crap.. if that is the case I need more plastic spoons to dig with..!!

so Is it negativity and closed mindedness you dislike? You’re right to seek a place that more soothes, than sears 

It's interesting - I'm watching Bicentennial Man on the TV right now - and all I see is myself in the robot character. Only I'm slightly less human.

I think this changed a lot over the course of my life. In childhood, it was very much self-isolation; but mostly out of burning interest in my hobbies. Other people bored me and confused me, but I didn't feel that either I or they were doing anything wrong. My social awareness was so poor that even the bullying that I experienced at school, I just accepted as people behaving "differently" rather than "badly"; it wasn't until much later in life that I even realised that it was bullying at all. I suppose that I didn't feel rejected because I wasn't interested in joining in anyway.

I knew that I was "different", but it was only later, particularly in my teens and at University, that I realised how much my behaviour marked me for different treatment by other people, and that there could be malevolence in their rejection.

I remember something that really resonated with me - "you become the average of the 5 closest people to you".

So if you are surrounded by negative people, you become negative, surrounded by positive people, you become positive. I deliberately avoid negative people. I attend meetup gatherings where most of the people know my of my AS. They are all fine with it. There are a few people I avoid but on the whole, retired people with no axe to grind anymore are much more laid back & accepting.

Is it self isolation, or societal rejection... or both..or neither..? The odd looking Lego brick that gets chucked back in the box or maybe we come across as threatening? Re you point about your dad and your university career.. I.e were not able to work you out,... but these people might! Shrugs shoulders... wanders off.. 

A very interesting question. I certainly had my own explanations for a lot of my autistic experiences before autism was suggested.

• Sleep deprivation. I've had severe late-onset insomnia for as long as I (and my parents) can remember; going to school after only a couple of hours sleep was always "normal" for me. I blamed most of my perceptual and cognitive difficulties on this for a long time; the dissociation; poor situational awareness; getting lost in conversations; sensory differences, stress of needing to be consciously vigilant all the time; etc.
• Social isolation. I was convinced that my poor social awareness was simply down to lack of practice. I kicked myself for all those hours in my childhood totally absorbed in my Lego, computer programming, reading, and just general introversion. Because my interests were so academic and technical, they were never questioned; my Mum has a very similar character (and, I discovered much later, autistic traits), and my Dad seemed obsessed with the idea of me being the first in the family to study at University. School always took the same attitude. My lack of socialisation bothered nobody so long as I kept up the good grades.
• Mental health. My mental health problems first became apparent in my mid-teens, and have been present to a greater or lesser extent ever since. The "experts" in these things convinced me that my diagnoses of GAD, treatment-resistant depression, etc. were primary conditions; that there was no underlying cause, just a predisposition to negative thinking and the mulling over of bad memories. I accepted that my autistic traits were just aberrations caused by depressive perceptions, and beat myself up for being too weak of will to make the suggested interventions work, and that other people faced exactly the same problems as me but overcame them through a strength which I lacked.
• Too many questions. I long believed my academic intelligence to be a curse, not a gift. It seemed that my cynicism and nihilism were simply the result of an innate curiosity about things which other people had no interest in, and my "depressive realism" was just the result of being unable to stop questioning things which others always took for granted. I was aware from quite a young age that my academic intelligence often led other people to have unrealistic expectations of me in other areas, and felt that the bullying and rejection were consequences of this which just had to be accepted and endured. I often wished that I could discover how "faith" worked, how to just blindly accept things without question.

I’m still in a box surrounded by NTs but trying to spend more time with ND folk and more positive human behaviours...in a hope to nurture myself more.

each “ding” of the bell seems to require me to step up even  more and I’m very conscious that it’s not sustainable and my wellbeing needs more self care. 

Glac you have achieved self sufficiency and I hope it is a healthy and nurturing place for you right now

Yes - but it really grates when all the people who let you down are the ones whos asses you've saved so many times. Always your best friend until it's convenient to use you and drop you.

I'm lucky that I am self suffiicient. I would hate to have to rely on other people now. Burned too many times.

Plastic said:

. I must have had an automatic short-straw dispenser on my desk.

Lol... glad it’s on your desk, if on your person they’d be no place for the broom 

Yes, third class.. not seen, not heard, but useful. The NAS names we give ourselves are very telling as well