Published on 12, July, 2020
Read something on here the other day where some guy talked about the suicide rate in adult males in the Autistic community, not sure how true it were but it now has me thinking, what are your experiences, do you have suicidal thoughts?
My introduction thread explains my background for anyone interested
https://community.autism.org.uk/f/introduce-yourself/12880/aspergers-suggestion-by-therapist
Growing up I was a wrist cutter, I always have had suicidal tendencies. Obviously I've just put this down to being a depressive at times but in all honesty I've not even been depressed at times of doing it/thinking it. I now wonder if this links in some way, maybe frustration of not feeling 'right' to some sense.
This is all new to me and just about everything in my life in the past is now being questioned/looked at in a different light, very confusing.
I won't deny that I am having waves and fleeting thoughts about suicide, definitely not of the action type just yet but the thoughts are there. My therapist since the first session said I don't show emotion on my face unless it's an extreme emotion such as anger/happy etc, I got a bit upset this morning because the mother in law came round saturday and apparently she hopes she didn't piss me off as I seemed tense or pissed off, I actually really enjoyed them visiting so it came as a surprise to me today and I've related it to the flat effect with showing emotions on my face. It makes me wonder if this is what people think quite often, at work I always thought I was approachable but I've always known that other peoples perception doesn't match what I think. It's a bit of a difficult pill to swallow to know that someone thinks they've pissed me off when I think something completely different. Least now I understand why people have a different perception to me. (Hope all this makes sense, I'm venting a little).
It's been such a lousy day today - and when one thing goes wrong, and then another, and so on, the cumulative effect is to make me look at everything in a negative way. I was working all day with another staff member I don't particularly like, and I find it very hard to feel relaxed around them. I'm sure I can't help giving the game away that I don't like them. Another thing is, I cycled to work - and then it started to rain heavily, and I simple hate cycling in the wet. I hoped it would clear by home-time, but it got worse. In the end, I made an excuse to leave early and got a train home - expensive, taking over an hour, and in a carriage crammed with humanity: people shouting into their phones, people shouting at screaming kids, etc. Then I get home and read, in a news magazine, about the world's youngest billionaire - a woman who 'built up' her cosmetics business over the last three years (what took her so long???), and is now just 20. She cashed in on 'extreme fame leverage', and apparently spends her days posting hourly selfies on Instagram - where she has 110 million followers. I'm baffled. Good luck to her. It's the drones who've made her so rich that baffle me: the phone-obsessed millennials, who now can't even function without their devices. On the top of a bad day, it just hit me that the whole world is consumed with fripperies and trash - with thoughtless, careless, vain, selfish cretins who care for nothing except their own enrichment and gratification. And this is the world I live in. Why continue with it?
I haven't drunk for a week, and I'm determined not to. But facing all of this sober is a daunting prospect tonight.
Sorry... just venting. I'll pull myself through it.