Published on 12, July, 2020
Since I got my diagnosis a few weeks ago,, (aged 51 female for those that don't know me) I'm not sure who i am. I have struggled always, masked most of the time an had catastrophic mental health problems but also raised a family of 5 children got a degree and held a professional job for 20 years untill i became too ill.
I don't know how to be me. How to not mask, I can do all of nothing, mask or curl up in a ball. Stay in bed or up but I'm my nighty or go out and be that ever coping mother/ house wife etc. This is not working for me it messed with my head being the super masked woman, I need to not be her, but how do I be someone else that isn't just a fat blob in a bed rocking.
I'm NOT feeling suicidal at the moment, but there doesn't seem to be a lot of point to it all.
How do I become me?
I'm trying to work out which masks (or parts of me, because I think they must be) I like, find enjoyable and / or productive, and keep those ones whilst dropping the ones that feel less 'authentic' (as judged by me in being the most difficult / exhausting to 'wear') or that I either no longer have a need for or that I dislike.
Is that selfish of me? Absolutely!
I think we have an absolute right to choose who / what we are and this diagnosis is as good a reason / time as any to embrace that right. Perhaps feeling like you're none of the things / masks you used to be is an ideal clean slate (horrible as it feels right now) from which to start from scratch to re-build yourself?
Greetings, and good answer in my opnion, Miss Endymion.
I was uncertain how to answer, because as far as I know - I have NEVER "masked"...!
Unless by "masking" it is walking away, staring at the ground, or saying nothing... then I have never done so. I always do what I can, and how I feel... which is just to walk away, stare at the ground, etc. etc. etc... (!)
Strangely - or not - I am happier doing this, than trying what I have heard about "masking" (Pretending to be happy, instead of leaving or challenging a situation).
I'd never heard of masking before i joined this forum and i'm not sure that i do it either. I try my best when i have to do stuff, but people usually look at me like i've just arrived from another planet. So if i am masking, it's not working. I'm not sure i'm capable of appearing normal in social situations as there is just too much for me to think about and figure out. I completely agree that a neutral, bland sort of day, is at least a calm one, which is often the best we can hope for!
Yes i have to have my routines if i am to be calm. I think i understand what you mean. I can certainly find excitement from many things that interest me, and if i can enjoy those without disrupting my timetabling too much, then that is the best balance for me i think.