Published on 12, July, 2020
Since I got my diagnosis a few weeks ago,, (aged 51 female for those that don't know me) I'm not sure who i am. I have struggled always, masked most of the time an had catastrophic mental health problems but also raised a family of 5 children got a degree and held a professional job for 20 years untill i became too ill.
I don't know how to be me. How to not mask, I can do all of nothing, mask or curl up in a ball. Stay in bed or up but I'm my nighty or go out and be that ever coping mother/ house wife etc. This is not working for me it messed with my head being the super masked woman, I need to not be her, but how do I be someone else that isn't just a fat blob in a bed rocking.
I'm NOT feeling suicidal at the moment, but there doesn't seem to be a lot of point to it all.
How do I become me?
I'm trying to work out which masks (or parts of me, because I think they must be) I like, find enjoyable and / or productive, and keep those ones whilst dropping the ones that feel less 'authentic' (as judged by me in being the most difficult / exhausting to 'wear') or that I either no longer have a need for or that I dislike.
Is that selfish of me? Absolutely!
I think we have an absolute right to choose who / what we are and this diagnosis is as good a reason / time as any to embrace that right. Perhaps feeling like you're none of the things / masks you used to be is an ideal clean slate (horrible as it feels right now) from which to start from scratch to re-build yourself?
Greetings, and good answer in my opnion, Miss Endymion.
I was uncertain how to answer, because as far as I know - I have NEVER "masked"...!
Unless by "masking" it is walking away, staring at the ground, or saying nothing... then I have never done so. I always do what I can, and how I feel... which is just to walk away, stare at the ground, etc. etc. etc... (!)
Strangely - or not - I am happier doing this, than trying what I have heard about "masking" (Pretending to be happy, instead of leaving or challenging a situation).
I'd never heard of masking before i joined this forum and i'm not sure that i do it either. I try my best when i have to do stuff, but people usually look at me like i've just arrived from another planet. So if i am masking, it's not working. I'm not sure i'm capable of appearing normal in social situations as there is just too much for me to think about and figure out. I completely agree that a neutral, bland sort of day, is at least a calm one, which is often the best we can hope for!
Yes i have to have my routines if i am to be calm. I think i understand what you mean. I can certainly find excitement from many things that interest me, and if i can enjoy those without disrupting my timetabling too much, then that is the best balance for me i think.
ProtectorOfTheSmall said:I'd never heard of masking before i joined this forum and i'm not sure that i do it either. I try my best when i have to do stuff, but people usually look at me like i've just arrived from another planet. So if i am masking, it's not working.
Same here, Thank You for that reply.
...Yet perhaps this next is a definition of Autism: I do not like "bland" days, but I do like Neutral and Calm. Perhaps what we both mean is ROUTINE, that is, a safe reliable Base... and once we know of that safe Base, we may deviate from it to invite excitement, differences, progress, good, great, bad, awful, information, challenge, difference, change... yet so far all ENDING up in the same Routine-Neutral place after all of that...? (Unless we want to change it?)
Mr.Robert123 said this upon another Thread, to take different paths to reach the usual destination and to add a little adventure or change to one's life.
( ... and to <> Quote someone completely unrelated... "There are many ways to travel to Osaka, (by Bus, Train, Airplane, or Walking)... but all of them will get you there so long as the direction is right!" )
I Hope I have not confused anyone too much, with this Post...!