Not sure who i am any more

I'm trying to work out which masks (or parts of me, because I think they must be) I like, find enjoyable and / or productive, and keep those ones whilst dropping the ones that feel less 'authentic' (as judged by me in being the most difficult / exhausting to 'wear') or that I either no longer have a need for or that I dislike. 

Is that selfish of me? Absolutely! 

I think we have an absolute right to choose who / what we are and this diagnosis is as good a reason / time as any to embrace that right. Perhaps feeling like you're none of the things / masks you used to be is an ideal clean slate (horrible as it feels right now) from which to start from scratch to re-build yourself?   

I'm trying to work out which masks (or parts of me, because I think they must be) I like, find enjoyable and / or productive, and keep those ones whilst dropping the ones that feel less 'authentic' (as judged by me in being the most difficult / exhausting to 'wear') or that I either no longer have a need for or that I dislike. 

Is that selfish of me? Absolutely! 

I think we have an absolute right to choose who / what we are and this diagnosis is as good a reason / time as any to embrace that right. Perhaps feeling like you're none of the things / masks you used to be is an ideal clean slate (horrible as it feels right now) from which to start from scratch to re-build yourself?   

I wish I'd thought like this from the start. I've only recently started thinking like this.

Endymion said:

I think we have an absolute right to choose who / what we are and this diagnosis is as good a reason / time as any to embrace that right. Perhaps feeling like you're none of the things / masks you used to be is an ideal clean slate (horrible as it feels right now) from which to start from scratch to re-build yourself? 

I've pretty much made a mess of everything, in my opinion, up until now. Lots of mental heath problems, problems with addiction, relationships, and every opportunity I got was squandered. Self-sabotage at it's utmost sometimes. I didn't know whether it was Autism or me being a general prat. I have big problems with how I've lived my life up until now. Some guilt and some regret. I got my diagnosis after a breakdown. I heard someone call a breakdown a breakthrough the other day, it made sense to me. It made me realise I needed to address everything, that led to my diagnosis. I'm now doing just what Endymion says.

Song said:

How do I become me?

You are already you. From what I can see you have handled and achieved a lot. I was always expected to achieve a lot, in quite a few things. A star pupil and a pretty nice kid. Not a bad looker either, lol. I ended up in and out of mental heath care, an alcoholic and junkie, a pretty violent person, a criminal, and every relationship I've had has failed. Mostly from fighting against my Autism. It was destroying me. I now look like a modern art masterpiece too! Look at how much you have done without knowing what was messing with your life. You now have a diagnosis and a way to move forward. I admire you Song.

Disambiguating Cynosure said:

I was uncertain how to answer, because as far as I know - I have NEVER "masked"...!

I had to learn to mask and it has not done me any favours. I can't totally mask, I rock, tic, talk and sing to myself. Growing up I had some really "weird" behaviours though and sometimes people would try to pick on me. I wasn't really brought up in a house where being picked on wouldn't have been accepted and I had it drilled into me to never stand for it. So I ended up fighting all the time. I got left alone after a while because people knew they'd have a fight (I'd also found a trick of ripping people's clothes, people tend not to like their stuff getting ruined). I got into a "fighting" mentality. Getting beat up, taking beatings and back and forth.

I'd also challenge authority. I got expelled. Sacked from jobs. My family life wasn't too good.

As for relationships with girlfriends I was too ashamed to go to places that made me anxious or would lead to overload. I didn't want to let them see me "snap". I'd lie to avoid it or put a "mask" on if I did.

I had to learn to "mask" certain things because it was carnage if I didn't.

*** I sound like a right mess!

Song said:

Since I got my diagnosis a few weeks ago

Please Song don't let it mess you up. I've spent about 18 months of my life trying to make sense of it but in a negative way. Things are how they are but it's a good thing. I'm not going to blame the rest of the world or myself anymore. I'm not going to see the rest of the world as the "other" or myself as the "other". I still have days where I look back but they are getting less frequent.

I have a better understanding now of who I am than I've ever had.  And that self-knowledge has given me a reason to go forwards - a reason I couldn't have had without my diagnosis.  That's what put it all into context for me, and helped me to make sense.

Tom is talking sense. All of the problems you've had aren't mysteries anymore. You can identify things that you can work on strategies for.

Disambiguating Cynosure said:

My life is stuck in Neutral, I would say, but I prefer that, to the alternatives offered

Take the time you need to get to where you need to get. It's only been a few weeks. If you need to lie in bed, so be it. You have your kids and husband but when you can take time for yourself.

I'm not being patronising when I say I think you will be OK. You've achieved so much without the diagnosis, more than most people in general. With a bit of time out and understanding of how to deal with it, I hope you realise how well you've done.

Greetings, and good answer in my opnion, Miss Endymion.

I was uncertain how to answer, because as far as I know - I have NEVER "masked"...!

Unless by "masking" it is walking away, staring at the ground, or saying nothing... then I have never done so. I always do what I can, and how I feel... which is just to walk away, stare at the ground, etc. etc. etc... (!)

Strangely - or not - I am happier doing this, than trying what I have heard about "masking" (Pretending to be happy, instead of leaving or challenging a situation).