Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi
I won't bore you with tales from half a centuries worth of mostly disaster. My bet is, if were here, no real explanation is required.
I gained an inkling about 3 years ago that I might be on the spectrum. Everything I read about Asperger's, I was pretty much reading about myself and my own personality. I received the "official" diagnoses about 6 months ago. Relief, I'm not mad or bad, just different.
Now here is my problem (or is it one?). I really don't like being around people. For 30 odd years I've worked at the pointy end of IT support, at the level 'if I can't fix it, it can't be fixed'. Of course this means you are constantly in demand. Until recently I did not realise just how much stress and anxiety this was causing me. Pretending to be like everybody else, when I knew inside that I wasn't.
I did have a serious meltdown just over a year ago. Walked away from my career, have very limited contact with the few people I know and trust, no family that means anything to me, and for this last year I think I've made a hermit look extrovert. Thing is, I feel perfectly happy and at peace for probably the fist time in my life. I do feel vaguely guilty sometime, perhaps I should make more of an effort?
Anybodies/Everybody's thoughts and opinions would be very welcome, because I'm just lost
Guilt is generally a pointless activity but I too experienced a level of guilt after realising that due to the way I process information, I too am much happier in the world with less contact with other people. However, I used that guilt to work through the changes that were happening in my life, for example, going from being a very outward extrovert type person to somebody who spends most of her time alone, at home. Like all situations, this is temporary but what the guilt helped me with, was how much interaction with others I'm comfortable with. I'm a people centred person and if I can't bring love and joy into the lives of others then life is pretty meaningless for me but since my diagnosis last year, I realised that spending so much time with others isn't an option for me due to the way I process information.
So I have enjoyed more than 15 months of almost complete solitude, feeling more peaceful and more happiness than ever before so my job now, is to work out how to balance having interaction with others and having time by myself. Both are important to me although time alone is crucial to my health, wellbeing and happiness so I am planning my life around this.
I'm finding it's a process and it can't be rushed. Slowly but surely I'm spending more time out of my house and with other people (more than I have in the last 15 months) but it's still a slow process and a case of trial and error which cannot be rushed. I would love to be back in Bali right now but I won't go anywhere until I have reached the stage where I can once again provide for myself financially in a way that serves me and does not in any way compromise my health, wellbeing and happiness and I can enjoy activities I love without getting worn out.
I felt very lost for a while until I began to surrender to it/to myself and I started the process of accepting me just as I am instead of the way I would love to be. For example, I would love to be able to be around people and do lots of different things with great ease and fluidity but the truth is, I can't, without getting burnt out, and I am in the process of accepting that. The more I surrender and the more acceptance I gain the less lost I am and the greater direction I gain, but it's a work in progress.
I'm now at the stage of going to my autism group most weeks and we sometimes go out for lunch midweek. I recently started an excellent art group that I found out about during an event put on by the job centre and my next task will be to get back dancing. I've found a dance school that I like the look of and I will join that when I'm ready. I've started to get out of the house more, going for walks and using my car less but all of this is hit and miss for the time being and I won't move on to the next stage (dancing) until I'm more stable in my current stage.
I'm slowly interacting more with my family and friends but again it's hit and miss. It was my little grandsons birthday last week and going to his party and for something to eat at the pub with close family afterwards was great and very enjoyable (and enlightening in several ways) but it's taken me almost a week to recover from that and it's knocked my (getting there) routine right out. However, I couldn't have done this last year so it's great progress and I focus on that rather than how it upset the rest of my routine. It's a big mindset shift as well as lifestyle shift so I'm just being easy on myself and I'm finding that surrender and acceptance happen in their own sweet time, I can't rush either of them and I can't move on without them.
Getting the autism diagnosis was life changing for me and due to my autistic traits, the changes are going to take a while for me to process and get used to. I've changed my diet, my profession ~ meaning, like you, I walked away from work altogether and won't work again until I have processed all the new changes and I'm back on solid ground. I like to keep things simple, so for me, after a good long rest period, I'm now concentrating on rebuilding my health and fitness levels which is proving to be a much slower process than my mind would like so I have had to learn to not listen to my mind and instead listen to my body. For me, it's all about surrender, acceptance and allowing the process to happen in its own time. I don't put any demands or time frames on myself and I take each day as it comes. I've bought a big wall planner thing and I put stars and stickers on there if I achieve certain things such as, I meditated or went for a walk or did some yoga ~ these visual reminders help me focus on what I am doing rather than what I'm not doing which is really helping me. I'm not used to such a slow paced life but I'm slowly accepting that this is where I am just now and if I surrender to it and allow it to be as it is then I will be able to avoid future burnouts and I'll be able to create a life which is sustainable for me, keeping this new level of peace and happiness always at the heart of my existence. I will never again compromise this in anyway, I would rather die. Never feel guilty for being happy and at peace. It's an option that's available to everyone and you don't have to feel guilty just because some people don't exercise their right to be happy and at peace.
BlueRay, it looks to me that you have found and are still finding the best possible adjustment for your particular make-up and I don't think one can do any more than that. Your case should stand for the right way to live with the condition. Well done.
Thanks Lostmyway. I’m still getting there, but I absolutely refuse to do anything that isn’t taking me in the direction I want to go, even when I don’t know where that is. I know what I don’t want, what hasn’t worked before, so I don’t do those things anymore. I just do only what I love, which for the past year, is to not leave my house, to eat chocolate and watch old black and white movies on YouTube. This eventually lead to where I am now which is to embark on what will be my life’s work for the rest of my life. I had to let go of everything that came before and just follow my heart. I had to find my heart. I didn’t have anything to lose because following what I had done previously, was no longer an option. Not since I got the diagnosis. Yes I earned good money and enjoyed my job as an independent social worker and mental health practitioner but it clearly wasn’t for me otherwise I would never have burned out. It’s taken 15 months but they’ve been the best 15 months of my life. They have by no means been the easiest, but they’ve been the most rewarding. Just listen to your heart and follow your heart. It’s not easy. It can be terrifying, but for me, I couldn’t see a viable alternative. The people at my autism group are my new family and I’ve got my closest family and that and my work and my interests is all I need.
Yeah, I guess early childhood behaviour is a pretty good indicator of autism because kids just do what they do without trying to mask things. When people grow up they tend to try to hide their traits as much as they can (especially females, we are told) so that it's not always clear what qualifies as autistic behaviour. It's funny though because talking to you via this MB is just the same as talking to a very intelligent, articulate person for real. I guess it's the social thing that autistic people find challenging by being in the physical presence of others - things like eye contact and other non-verbal cues, not to mention sarcasm and metaphors. But from what I can see there's certainly nothing wrong with your intellectual abilities, BlueRay.
Yeah, I know what you mean. It had never even crossed my mind that I might be autistic, not for a second ~ my realisation came out of the blue and although I was just about to leave the country (U.K.) at that time, the first thing I did when I got back was to go straight to my gp and ask for a referral ~ and that’s when one or two doubts crept in. But I had to know for sure. I wanted an official assessment, so I never hesitated on going for the assessment. I couldn’t live with second guessing, I needed to know and the whole experience went smoothly, apart from waiting for the results ~ that bit was very hard, but worth it. The thing that made me so sure was even though many, if not all traits or whatever, could be put down to other things, the early childhood stuff couldn’t be put down to anything else so when the doubts came up, the early childhood stuff always convinced me. I couldn’t live with not knowing, so I had nothing to lose, I had to know for sure.
lostmyway said:All I know is I seem to relate well to people on this MB
If you are on the spectrum, getting along with other people on the spectrum is easy. It's getting along with others that is the difficult thing. SInce those others make up 99% of the world, that does present a significant difficulty.
To be honest, BlueRay, I'm not even sure I have an a high-functioning autistic condition. All I know is I seem to relate well to people on this MB and seem to share at least some of their experiences. 'Course, it's always dodgy to self-analyse and from what I have gathered you have to be really struggling to qualify for help on the NHS. I've always had problems with socialising and making friends and disliking changes in routine, together with being unduly affected by certain noises and environments at work. My fear is that if I saw somebody they would just tell me to pull myself together or 'man-up' a bit and send me away humiliated. I might just be seeing things that can be put down to other causes, it's really hard to know.
Yes, that totally makes sense and I agree with you completely and yes, I agree, and as far as I can see, autistic people are the real movers and shakers in this world. Just like anybody else, we simply need to find our place in the world and that’s where we can differ from nt’s, as far as I can see, certainly in my situation anyway, I’m able to find my place but it has taken me a little longer than it might take nt’s due to the way I process information but if we commit to it (finding our place) we can do it.
Coming back to the original post about feeling a little lost, I think we need to loose ourselves to find ourselves.
I also think that following your heart can lead to developing yourself and re-defining your limits, limits that maybe you never thought possible. To try to 'fit in' to a neural-typical world does a disservice to your core values and prevents you from actualising yourself (if that makes sense). Without the contribution of autistic people in the past the world would not be as advanced as it is today.