Does this make any sense to anyone?

Yeah, I guess early childhood behaviour is a pretty good indicator of autism because kids just do what they do without trying to mask things. When people grow up they tend to try to hide their traits as much as they can (especially females, we are told) so that it's not always clear what qualifies as autistic behaviour. It's funny though because talking to you via this MB is just the same as talking to a very intelligent, articulate person for real. I guess it's the social thing that autistic people find challenging by being in the physical presence of others - things like eye contact and other non-verbal cues, not to mention sarcasm and metaphors. But from what I can see there's certainly nothing wrong with your intellectual abilities, BlueRay.

Yeah, I know what you mean. It had never even crossed my mind that I might be autistic, not for a second ~ my realisation came out of the blue and although I was just about to leave the country (U.K.) at that time, the first thing I did when I got back was to go straight to my gp and ask for a referral ~ and that’s when one or two doubts crept in. But I had to know for sure. I wanted an official assessment, so I never hesitated on going for the assessment. I couldn’t live with second guessing, I needed to know and the whole experience went smoothly, apart from waiting for the results ~ that bit was very hard, but worth it. The thing that made me so sure was even though many, if not all traits or whatever, could be put down to other things, the early childhood stuff couldn’t be put down to anything else so when the doubts came up, the early childhood stuff always convinced me. I couldn’t live with not knowing, so I had nothing to lose, I had to know for sure. 

lostmyway said:

All I know is I seem to relate well to people on this MB

If you are on the spectrum, getting along with other people on the spectrum is easy. It's getting along with others that is the difficult thing. SInce those others make up 99% of the world, that does present a significant difficulty.

To be honest, BlueRay, I'm not even sure I have an a high-functioning autistic condition. All I know is I seem to relate well to people on this MB and seem to share at least some of their experiences. 'Course, it's always dodgy to self-analyse and from what I have gathered you have to be really struggling to qualify for help on the NHS. I've always had problems with socialising and making friends and disliking changes in routine, together with being unduly affected by certain noises and environments at work. My fear is that if I saw somebody they would just tell me to pull myself together or 'man-up' a bit and send me away humiliated. I might just be seeing things that can be put down to other causes, it's really hard to know.

Yes, that totally makes sense and I agree with you completely and yes, I agree, and as far as I can see, autistic people are the real movers and shakers in this world. Just like anybody else, we simply need to find our place in the world and that’s where we can differ from nt’s, as far as I can see, certainly in my situation anyway, I’m able to find my place but it has taken me a little longer than it might take nt’s due to the way I process information but if we commit to it (finding our place) we can do it. 

Coming back to the original post about feeling a little lost, I think we need to loose ourselves to find ourselves. 

I also think that following your heart can lead to developing yourself and re-defining your limits, limits that maybe you never thought possible. To try to 'fit in' to a neural-typical world does a disservice to your core values and prevents you from actualising yourself (if that makes sense). Without the contribution of autistic people in the past the world would not be as advanced as it is today.

Thanks Lostmyway. I’m still getting there, but I absolutely refuse to do anything that isn’t taking me in the direction I want to go, even when I don’t know where that is. I know what I don’t want, what hasn’t worked before, so I don’t do those things anymore. I just do only what I love, which for the past year, is to not leave my house, to eat chocolate and watch old black and white movies on YouTube. This eventually lead to where I am now which is to embark on what will be my life’s work for the rest of my life. I had to let go of everything that came before and just follow my heart. I had to find my heart. I didn’t have anything to lose because following what I had done previously, was no longer an option. Not since I got the diagnosis. Yes I earned good money and enjoyed my job as an independent social worker and mental health practitioner but it clearly wasn’t for me otherwise I would never have burned out. It’s taken 15 months but they’ve been the best 15 months of my life. They have by no means been the easiest, but they’ve been the most rewarding. Just listen to your heart and follow your heart. It’s not easy. It can be terrifying, but for me, I couldn’t see a viable alternative. The people at my autism group are my new family and I’ve got my closest family and that and my work and my interests is all I need. 

Well, as you can see, you might be a hermit but you're not alone. I can identify with what you've written. I do not feel guilty about withdrawing but I don't like the feeling I have of not being able to trust myself to be entirely appropriate around other people. I don't mean that I worry about doing something outrageously unacceptable, just all those little things (ok, some not so little) that make us who we are. But that goes with the territory doesn't it. I hope that makes sense...Perhaps I'm just a bit sad about it all today; it's one thing to withdraw, quite another to feel excluded. NAS 37349 writes about feeling safe and that is so important, life isn't easy for us. To be happy and at peace is wonderful after such struggles. (Which I do not underestimate). I do find that my motivation to do anything much other than housework, cooking and gardening is declining rapidly and sometimes it bothers me that I don't do anything creative anymore. But mainly it doesn't. I am an inherently lazy person and you probably won't have that happen!

I wouldn't put too much pressure on yourself to be sociable unless you are genuinely craving social interaction.

I was going through a phase of struggling to come to terms with my diagnosis and people around me telling me I wasn't very sociable didn't help - so I ended up forcing myself to go out more and try and build friendships, but this just lead to multiple shutdowns, burnout and feeling depressed.

Since then I have backed off considerably, only going out to socialise with my partner and this is limited to where we go and how long we are out for.  I have even backed off from coming on these forums as I was trying to do too much, but I feel a lot better for backing off and my well-being has improved considerably.

When it all gets too much, it is too easy to put pressure on ourselves to try harder and work through it, which all leads to burnout.  If you are happy with less social contact, then I would say keep at it unless you find you are craving interaction with people.  I recently went out for drinks with work colleagues as it was a special occasion, but 1hr and 30mins in and I was struggling, so politely left.  I had a shutdown afterwards and felt crappy for days, so I now know I must not overdo it or else face the consequences.

Do what is right for you and don't beat yourself up about it.  Health comes first. (easier said than done I know!)

It makes perfect sense to me.At the ripe old age of 55 I have finally got a diagnosis of Aspergers. My son also has AS as did my father but despite this family link no one believed I too could be on the spectrum because I,m female,got married and had children! My whole life has been a never ending catastrophe because of this dreadful affliction and I find myself now without a job, family, social life or any money and all the diagnosis has done is made me realize just how hopeless my life actually is. Despite my terrible loneliness I too prefer not to be around people. They are just to duplicitous,selfish and cruel generally speaking and the stress they cause is simply not worth the effort. Don,t feel guilty just feel safe.

BlueRay, it looks to me that you have found and are still finding the best possible adjustment for your particular make-up and I don't think one can do any more than that. Your case should stand for the right way to live with the condition. Well done.

Guilt is generally a pointless activity but I too experienced a level of guilt after realising that due to the way I process information, I too am much happier in the world with less contact with other people. However, I used that guilt to work through the changes that were happening in my life, for example, going from being a very outward extrovert type person to somebody who spends most of her time alone, at home. Like all situations, this is temporary but what the guilt helped me with, was how much interaction with others I'm comfortable with. I'm a people centred person and if I can't bring love and joy into the lives of others then life is pretty meaningless for me but since my diagnosis last year, I realised that spending so much time with others isn't an option for me due to the way I process information. 

So I have enjoyed more than 15 months of almost complete solitude, feeling more peaceful and more happiness than ever before so my job now, is to work out how to balance having interaction with others and having time by myself. Both are important to me although time alone is crucial to my health, wellbeing and happiness so I am planning my life around this. 

I'm finding it's a process and it can't be rushed. Slowly but surely I'm spending more time out of my house and with other people (more than I have in the last 15 months) but it's still a slow process and a case of trial and error which cannot be rushed. I would love to be back in Bali right now but I won't go anywhere until I have reached the stage where I can once again provide for myself financially in a way that serves me and does not in any way compromise my health, wellbeing and happiness and I can enjoy activities I love without getting worn out. 

I felt very lost for a while until I began to surrender to it/to myself and I started the process of accepting me just as I am instead of the way I would love to be. For example, I would love to be able to be around people and do lots of different things with great ease and fluidity but the truth is, I can't, without getting burnt out, and I am in the process of accepting that. The more I surrender and the more acceptance I gain the less lost I am and the greater direction I gain, but it's a work in progress.

I'm now at the stage of going to my autism group most weeks and we sometimes go out for lunch midweek. I recently started an excellent art group that I found out about during an event put on by the job centre and my next task will be to get back dancing. I've found a dance school that I like the look of and I will join that when I'm ready. I've started to get out of the house more, going for walks and using my car less but all of this is hit and miss for the time being and I won't move on to the next stage (dancing) until I'm more stable in my current stage. 

I'm slowly interacting more with my family and friends but again it's hit and miss. It was my little grandsons birthday last week and going to his party and for something to eat at the pub with close family afterwards was great and very enjoyable (and enlightening in several ways) but it's taken me almost a week to recover from that and it's knocked my (getting there) routine right out. However, I couldn't have done this last year so it's great progress and I focus on that rather than how it upset the rest of my routine. It's a big mindset shift as well as lifestyle shift so I'm just being easy on myself and I'm finding that surrender and acceptance happen in their own sweet time, I can't rush either of them and I can't move on without them. 

Getting the autism diagnosis was life changing for me and due to my autistic traits, the changes are going to take a while for me to process and get used to. I've changed my diet, my profession ~ meaning, like you, I walked away from work altogether and won't work again until I have processed all the new changes and I'm back on solid ground. I like to keep things simple, so for me, after a good long rest period, I'm now concentrating on rebuilding my health and fitness levels which is proving to be a much slower process than my mind would like so I have had to learn to not listen to my mind and instead listen to my body. For me, it's all about surrender, acceptance and allowing the process to happen in its own time. I don't put any demands or time frames on myself and I take each day as it comes. I've bought a big wall planner thing and I put stars and stickers on there if I achieve certain things such as, I meditated or went for a walk or did some yoga ~ these visual reminders help me focus on what I am doing rather than what I'm not doing which is really helping me. I'm not used to such a slow paced life but I'm slowly accepting that this is where I am just now and if I surrender to it and allow it to be as it is then I will be able to avoid future burnouts and I'll be able to create a life which is sustainable for me, keeping this new level of peace and happiness always at the heart of my existence. I will never again compromise this in anyway, I would rather die. Never feel guilty for being happy and at peace. It's an option that's available to everyone and you don't have to feel guilty just because some people don't exercise their right to be happy and at peace. 

Well, Bumholio, as long as you are getting enough stimulation from your new situation I guess you have nothing to feel concerned about. I just wonder, though, that by withdrawing from your previous environment you could possibly miss at least some of the stimulation that you were deriving through working among others. People can be a right royal pain at times, yet it can also be an important way to gain an impetus to achieve stuff in life. This is something only you can decide and I just hope you have not withdrawn from society at the cost of feeling isolated and lonely.

Bumholio said:

have very limited contact with the few people I know and trust, no family that means anything to me, and for this last year I think I've made a hermit look extrovert. Thing is, I feel perfectly happy and at peace for probably the fist time in my life.

Hi Bumholio (great name!),

Sounds very much like how I am.  I'm 58 now.  After my dear mother passed away last year, I drifted away from my brother and his wife - my closest family, bloodwise, after mum.  But our relationship had been a pretence for years.  We only maintained it for mum's sake.  Now, I have nothing to do with any of them and little to do with the rest of my family.  I have no friends, and no one I really interact with outside of work.  I'm a support worker with low-functioning autistic people.  I tend to prefer the company of our service users than my colleagues.  I live alone (with a cat), have a disconnected doorbell and a telephone which, more often than not, is unplugged.

And, like you... I feel perfectly happy and at peace for probably the first time in my life!

Do I feel guilty for not making more of an effort?  Not really.  That's a two-way thing, anyway.  Once I got my diagnosis 3 years ago, I told my brother all about it in the hope that we could use it as the basis for some dialogue.  If anything, though, it distanced him even more.  He doesn't understand it - to him, it smacks too much of the dreaded 'mental health', like it's a blot on the family escutcheon - and often people are afraid of what they don't understand.  We live in enlightened times - yet still many are standing in the shade!

With your level of skill and expertise in IT, is it possible that you could work from home in some way?  If not in 'hands on' maintenance, then in some related activity?  I freelanced for a while, working from home for a London-based IT recruiter specialising in Microsoft Dynamics products.  It was commission-only, but I made enough to scrape through each month - and the only contact I had with anyone was via the phone or Skype.  Many of the contracts the company managed, too, were for home-based IT professionals.  Just a thought.

Anyway... welcome to happy hermitude!

Tom

Since being diagnosed I've realised that making myself more comfortable and not constantly battling my condition is not selfish or something I should feel guilty about. In fact the opposite. The people I do interact with when I can handle it say I'm far more calm and happy. Sometimes putting ourselves first is a better solution for everyone. Only make the effort when you can handle it and it's worthwhile. You are being honest with yourself and everyone else.

Hello. I personally don't think you should feel guilty, if you find your reasonably happy place i would stay there.

Hello fellow hermit!

About three years ago I did exactly the same and walked away from it all: the job, the committees, the clubs, everything. I too feel guilty, especially as it's been as long as three years now, because my partner is working full-time and I'm not used to the feeling of being a 'kept woman'. However, for the first two years it wasn't so much a matter of choice as of desperation. I didn't have my diagnosis back then and only knew that I was, well, broken (?). I only got my diagnosis in January so it's arrived slap bang in the middle of my re-building myself year and I see the diagnosis as being integral to that process. 

As to your question "perhaps I should make more of an effort?", hmmm. To feel more happy with yourself / your life? To feel more at peace? You said yourself, you've nailed those! I'm at pretty much the same place these days (most days, anyway) and I've given myself a target of the end of the year to decide upon and implement whatever comes next. I'm not 100% sure yet exactly what that will BE but I am 100% sure of what it won't be! It won't be anything that came before, it's time for a clean slate, a fresh start, doing what I am genuinely comfortable doing and won't involve trying to make myself 'conform' to something I'm not. 

What do you want to do? What do you want to make more of an effort with?