ASD dating and Men

Define a 'successful partnership'.  It's one based on all sorts of factors.  Compromise, tolerance, understanding.  All of these are necessary components of 'love'.  In all of my years of relationships - including a marriage of five years - I've never been able to make it successful, for any number of reasons.  My last relationship, almost 3 years ago, was the most 'romantic' affair of my entire life.  But it fizzled out in little more than a year.

I no longer look for a significant other.  And I'm pretty certain - from my own experience - that such a person is unlikely to be found on dating websites.  They're filled with desperate people, who will most likely do anything to find Mr or Miss 'Right'. 

Don't go out looking for it is my advice.  Wait for it to come to you naturally. 

I have noticed that a lot of people want sex as soon as possible and do not want to wait. At least, that was the case years ago when I was on a dating website.

I am not that desperate to pay to be on a dating website. I also do not like to write and publish my profile. I do not want to share my photos publicly.

I do not understand how one can have sex with, practically, a stranger.

I, personally, would like to hug someone, talk to someone and share our lives - the good moments and the bad ones.

I would like someone next to me to feel safe and someone I could care about.

I agree with Martian Tom. Mate, I've read some of the things you type and trust me on this, you seem to have the "right stuff" as far as the things that would make a real relationship work. I've been around a bit in terms of dating. Frankly you sound like a gent. I've been a bit of a *** in my younger days and had some bad long term relationships too. Sometimes it was my shortcomings, sometimes the other persons. A lot of that I count as time I could have been doing better things and saved myself hurt feelings and other peoples feelings too. I had fun but some of it wasn't fun.

I found the best person when I stopped trying. I hadn't been out on a date or even thought about it for a few years. One day I was walking down the road with my friends and this girl I thought was stunning just walked over and said "Oi, come here! Yeah you!", I thought she was talking to one of my friends because she was the same race as them and not me, but no it was me she was talking to. She said "What do I have to do for you to ask me out?", I stood there a bit stunned. "Well?", I was lost for words (for a change). She snatched my phone out of my hands and put her number in. "Call me when you want to go out, or can speak", she walked off with her friends and I just burst out laughing, well we all did. It was odd to say the least. I'd made small talk with her in the past but nothing profound.

I phoned her because I always liked her, she was beautiful, very classy (apart from how crazy she was that day!) and my type. We went out. We had lots in common and I really liked her personality. I asked her some time later about the day she gave me her number she said that she'd kept flirting with me and thought I'd been flirting back. I told her I hadn't because I don't really know how. I asked her why she liked me "All the other lads around here try and act tough or cool, you don't. You are polite, nice and a bit weird.......but its kind of sexy". I'm admittedly weird. I talk to myself. I stim. I tic. I sing walking down the road, quietly but I can be singing some crazy ****. She liked it. All the messages she'd given me to ask her out I'd missed. Maybe it was the ASD, I don't know. I was with her 10 years. We had a good relationship. That's my best friend and not in a "friendzone" way. One of the most important people I've met, she supported me through all the stuff leading up to my diagnosis and after.

I know it's a long post but trust me you seem like a really nice guy. You seem lonely in a love sense but trust me if you are as nice as you post, someone's going to notice. Someone who has actually watched you. This all may seem schmaltzy and optimistic but honestly stop chasing love. You will be OK.

Just be yourself, masking is more stressful than just being yourself!

I think, partially, my formality and coldness is a masking technique.

I can often be severely anxious inside but I will do everything I can to appear calm.

No problem! Don't worry about your demenour. I worked with a guy who was cold as ice in his demenour. He was a foreign guy. He was from the old Eastern Bloc, way before the Iron Curtain came down. He spoke in monotone, made no formalities, and had no expressions. He had the whole "1000 yard stare" thing going on. People found him not just cold, frankly they found him intimidating. He was beyond the level of any ASD person I've ever met in his cold demenour. Almost robotic. I got to know him well. He'd make the funniest joke and not even crack a smile. He was hilarious, over time people recognised it. They looked past his Terminator style of interaction and got past his scary, ice cold exterior. He was a warm guy, just not overly expressive.

I went out once and got very drunk with him and his wife. His wife was surprised herself at how well he got along with people. She said "I'm surprised at how well he gets along with you all, he's such a cold guy normally". We pointed out how funny he was. She agreed. One guy said "How did you end up married if he's cold". She said that she liked it. He wasn't loud, over emotional or moody. "He has one setting, except where it counts". He made a dirty joke related to what she said but I won't repeat it here! He didn't even crack a smile then either!

Your demenour is just a coat of paint, after time people will look past it. It might take a bit of time but bear with it. 

Remember people are animals too. They just take a bit more getting used to!

No problem! Don't worry about your demenour. I worked with a guy who was cold as ice in his demenour. He was a foreign guy. He was from the old Eastern Bloc, way before the Iron Curtain came down. He spoke in monotone, made no formalities, and had no expressions. He had the whole "1000 yard stare" thing going on. People found him not just cold, frankly they found him intimidating. He was beyond the level of any ASD person I've ever met in his cold demenour. Almost robotic. I got to know him well. He'd make the funniest joke and not even crack a smile. He was hilarious, over time people recognised it. They looked past his Terminator style of interaction and got past his scary, ice cold exterior. He was a warm guy, just not overly expressive.

I went out once and got very drunk with him and his wife. His wife was surprised herself at how well he got along with people. She said "I'm surprised at how well he gets along with you all, he's such a cold guy normally". We pointed out how funny he was. She agreed. One guy said "How did you end up married if he's cold". She said that she liked it. He wasn't loud, over emotional or moody. "He has one setting, except where it counts". He made a dirty joke related to what she said but I won't repeat it here! He didn't even crack a smile then either!

Your demenour is just a coat of paint, after time people will look past it. It might take a bit of time but bear with it. 

Remember people are animals too. They just take a bit more getting used to!

Just be yourself, masking is more stressful than just being yourself!

I think, partially, my formality and coldness is a masking technique.

I can often be severely anxious inside but I will do everything I can to appear calm.