ASD dating and Men

I agree that the companionship would be nice. But we live in a very narcissistic time. Being kind and loving isn’t enough. So if I have to be alone so be it

I'm 31 and never dated. Was reflecting earlier today how lonely I am and my lack of love life. Due to so many reasons - Asperger's, social struggles, shy, awkward, inexperience, being invisible etc - I'm fully convinced it's not meant to be, despite people telling me otherwise. Seem to keep falling out with members of the opposite sex as well. Suspect that's a sign I should stay single. But I do crave companionship.

I originally created this thread then deleted my account.  Not a great time for me when I did. 

I still hope to meet a woman and have a gf, but it is unlikely. Girls have always thought I am both “nice” and “weird” at the same time. At least I now know why ie Aspies.

I think I am at peace that I will be by myself. But do avoid all dating sites.

Sounds like a good thing to generate a "go-to answer" for then so when someone asks you have a pre-prepared response for it :-)

I've never done online dating, I don't trust them, like you said because of scammers. My cousin did online dating and got involved with a really nasty man, he was horrible to her.

I do definitely intend to meet a nice girl some day but I want to meet her in person, so I can get to know her and hopefully she'll be the one. Sadly I think I'm a long way of from that day. But maybe one day.

Love is a very serious Commitment,

Im austic  but jve  been wid my current partner for 12 years im very much committed to her and want to spend the rest of my life with her, the past 18months have been a struggle for me i lost my dad and feel ive been unable to grieve his lose, i also starting flirting with a work colleague, had thoughts about her often, found her very attractive/fit and noticed various lil features about her thats made me like her, ive since left that place of work and dont think i feel that way anymore, but after my partner finding out i feel  im unable to express what these feelings were ( feel a little confused about them) as feeling cannot just be turned off. Is it normal for me to feel like this and not explain 

my feelings

Wow I'm exactly the same mate! I'm just like "is that hello or how are you?" Because if I do reply they just ignore my response haha! It's more of the one syllable phrase: "Yalright?"

It just occurred to me reading Emma’s post about, if I may paraphrase, unrealistic expectations of dating sites.

Believing the hype is part of my ASD.  These sites say: “Yes you will find love.” “Our scientific algorithms mean you will find your perfect partner.” Etc, etc.

My experience is that people on these sites tend to be scammers.  I didn’t fall for the “Oh I need money for X,Y,Z.”

The reason for that is bullying by girls at school.  That always, unfortunately, makes me question a girls/woman’s motive.  

Stay safe everyone.

Just be yourself, masking is more stressful than just being yourself!

I think, partially, my formality and coldness is a masking technique.

I can often be severely anxious inside but I will do everything I can to appear calm.

No problem! Don't worry about your demenour. I worked with a guy who was cold as ice in his demenour. He was a foreign guy. He was from the old Eastern Bloc, way before the Iron Curtain came down. He spoke in monotone, made no formalities, and had no expressions. He had the whole "1000 yard stare" thing going on. People found him not just cold, frankly they found him intimidating. He was beyond the level of any ASD person I've ever met in his cold demenour. Almost robotic. I got to know him well. He'd make the funniest joke and not even crack a smile. He was hilarious, over time people recognised it. They looked past his Terminator style of interaction and got past his scary, ice cold exterior. He was a warm guy, just not overly expressive.

I went out once and got very drunk with him and his wife. His wife was surprised herself at how well he got along with people. She said "I'm surprised at how well he gets along with you all, he's such a cold guy normally". We pointed out how funny he was. She agreed. One guy said "How did you end up married if he's cold". She said that she liked it. He wasn't loud, over emotional or moody. "He has one setting, except where it counts". He made a dirty joke related to what she said but I won't repeat it here! He didn't even crack a smile then either!

Your demenour is just a coat of paint, after time people will look past it. It might take a bit of time but bear with it. 

Remember people are animals too. They just take a bit more getting used to!

Cloudy Mountains said:

I know it's a long post but trust me you seem like a really nice guy. You seem lonely in a love sense but trust me if you are as nice as you post, someone's going to notice.

Although, I am nice inside, the people outside do not see that as I become very formal and cold when interacting face to face.

I am more natural towards the animals, like cats.

No, I wasn't implying you did. People that don't are quite rare. That's why you will probably find someone else who doesn't. Stop looking so hard, it will find you.

I agree with Martian Tom. Mate, I've read some of the things you type and trust me on this, you seem to have the "right stuff" as far as the things that would make a real relationship work. I've been around a bit in terms of dating. Frankly you sound like a gent. I've been a bit of a *** in my younger days and had some bad long term relationships too. Sometimes it was my shortcomings, sometimes the other persons. A lot of that I count as time I could have been doing better things and saved myself hurt feelings and other peoples feelings too. I had fun but some of it wasn't fun.

I found the best person when I stopped trying. I hadn't been out on a date or even thought about it for a few years. One day I was walking down the road with my friends and this girl I thought was stunning just walked over and said "Oi, come here! Yeah you!", I thought she was talking to one of my friends because she was the same race as them and not me, but no it was me she was talking to. She said "What do I have to do for you to ask me out?", I stood there a bit stunned. "Well?", I was lost for words (for a change). She snatched my phone out of my hands and put her number in. "Call me when you want to go out, or can speak", she walked off with her friends and I just burst out laughing, well we all did. It was odd to say the least. I'd made small talk with her in the past but nothing profound.

I phoned her because I always liked her, she was beautiful, very classy (apart from how crazy she was that day!) and my type. We went out. We had lots in common and I really liked her personality. I asked her some time later about the day she gave me her number she said that she'd kept flirting with me and thought I'd been flirting back. I told her I hadn't because I don't really know how. I asked her why she liked me "All the other lads around here try and act tough or cool, you don't. You are polite, nice and a bit weird.......but its kind of sexy". I'm admittedly weird. I talk to myself. I stim. I tic. I sing walking down the road, quietly but I can be singing some crazy ****. She liked it. All the messages she'd given me to ask her out I'd missed. Maybe it was the ASD, I don't know. I was with her 10 years. We had a good relationship. That's my best friend and not in a "friendzone" way. One of the most important people I've met, she supported me through all the stuff leading up to my diagnosis and after.

I know it's a long post but trust me you seem like a really nice guy. You seem lonely in a love sense but trust me if you are as nice as you post, someone's going to notice. Someone who has actually watched you. This all may seem schmaltzy and optimistic but honestly stop chasing love. You will be OK.

I have my 2 teenagers with me at home. I am separated from their dad

I am also looking. You are not alone.

I have been waiting for the right person for 17 years

I'm not sure that looking for someone works,  I know it is very difficult to meet people but iitf you are going to find a forever person it will happen,  

You are correct 

..surely WHO you are, not WHAT you have?