Anti depressants?

I'm struggling more than normal right now, I wish I could just stop existing, I don't want to hurt anyone here ( at home) by them knowing I have hurt myself but they would all be so much better of without this burden. If I could just go to sleep and never wake up that would solve the problem and take away all this pointless pain.

When I have been asked what thoughts Id had on following through my thoughts, that is one I come back to. Our struggles are very real, painful and seem never ending. Anti depressants don’t work for me either.  I have lived with “depression “ probably since teenage maybe earlier. It ebbs and flows, sometimes it’s raw and sometimes dull but it never really goes away. I try to stand back from it and just notice it like mindfulness, acknowledge it’s present and hope it’ll be quick going away again. Sometimes I just live through one day at a time til it passes. I learnt that it is part of me not something separate, it’s another facet of my makeup. I have heard that it can be genetic and linked to neurodevelopmental “disorders”. I think knowing that depression “isn’t my fault” and probably genetic has helped me. That doesn’t make it less painful or confusing but in a small way it helps me get through the bad lows. We know diet, hydration, sleep, exercise etc all contribute to how we feel so we can make ourselves feel worse by eating tonnes of sugar and carbs, not drinking enough water, sloughing on the sofa etc and that a walk in a green space is calming but in a bad patch none of that seems to matter. If I’m in a bad patch I try to rest more because it often means I’m tired and have stretched myself too far, I allow myself to do whatever I can manage, watching a film or listening to a story. At bedtime I try to focus on the words on the radio not the words in my head. Just one day and one night at a time.... don’t give in just yet . Sending hugs through the ether 

So treat the depression just like the autism? I don't remember ever not being depressed so maybe that's it. 

So treat the depression just like the autism? I don't remember ever not being depressed so maybe that's it. 

Worth a read.

https://www.spectrumnews.org/news/many-adults-autism-also-depression/

and

https://medicalxpress.com/news/2018-02-tools-depression-people-autism.html

Both published this year

This is the first time I’ve thought about it like this as well but it makes sense and I’m going to try this approach as well. In terms of what we can do to help in terms of diet and lifestyle, I can’t honestly tell you how much of an impact my diet has had on me since I switched to a raw whole food plant based diet and I’m even (very slowly) getting back into yoga, breathing exercises and meditation. My daily habit of walking is starting to take hold as well. I’ve got up this morning and even though my eyes are still red and swollen from crying, I’m going to go for a walk. I’ll take it gentle because of course I am tired but I’m super excited to see that I’m going! 

Lots and lots and lots of love to you and honestly, you are not alone in your deepest despair, that’s how I have often felt throughout my life and I think most of us on here can relate. You are loved so much and even though you might not always be able to see it, your life is so valuable and precious, just as much as anybody else’s and I for one am so grateful you are here and together, we can do this. We thought we were alone but we’re not. When we are in the throes of the depths of our feelings, we often don’t remember that, but if we keep reminding ourselves of this fact, we might even begin to remember it when we’re at our lowest. You are not alone and I feel like I’m wrapping you in my heart, now, as we speak, and you know we have big hearts, despite what people who don’t know us might say! xxx