Are there any women here?

Hi

I am a 51 year old women, diagnosed 1.5 years ago with ASD.

Never in my life did I feel "average" (or normal, haha), until I got diagnosed with ASD after having suffered for years from burn-out, leaky gut, Graves disease, depression, ...  Now, I seem to be quite a classic case :-)

After the diagnosis I kind of expected for everything to change, but that does not happen.  Even when you tell people, they hardly react.  Only two people asked me if they could read a book about it, to help them understand me better.  After telling friends or relatives about my diagnosis, they never mentioned it again.  I think they are afraid to "make it worse" by acknowledging it, but in fact, it is just the other way round.  It does make me feel more relaxed and at peace with myself on the plus side.

Good luck on your journey and don't hesitate to ask me whatever you want to know!

Leen

Yes, It is so frustrating getting the: "oh everyone is a bit autistic". and "gosh it is quite fascinating, that everyone is getting labels nowadays" and commonly "oh you are fine the way you are, don't change". Sometimes, when people don't mention it again, I worry they think I was just attention seeking or making things up. I have stopped telling people I am autistic and just tell them about my needs: "I am sensitive to sensory overload etc... " and "I need 10 hours of sleep (good excuse for early retreat from a party")

Yes I agree.  I told someone the other day that I was diagnosed with Adult ADHD last year and that I'm going through an Aspergers diagnosis at the moment.  Their response "it's a bit late now for that isn't it" . . . .Erm No, this doesn't stop in childhood! I am medicated for my adult ADHD and it affects me every day as does the ASD.  Honestly most of the time you are not dealing with the higher planes of intellect and insight with people so really what can you expect?  Understanding is really very limited by personal experience. I don't really genuinely care what they think one way or another though to be honest :O  I have learned that pretty much it doesn't matter what you tell people in the end they think what they want to!!

For me it's a licence to be different so that I don't have to keep excusing myself or feeling guilty about who I am.  Odd that it should take a label to bring about this self acceptance but there it is :O x

I love the fact that you can totally connect with your daughter and that you are each able to identify with each other...this is your gift...to understand your children...and I’m sure that they love you dearly...x

keep being you...keep fighting those that need to be fought....I hope that it also helps to make you feel empowered..

keep being you girl 

I'll be honest procrastinator there is a part of me that is totally delighted that I am not like 'them'. Yet it all mattered so much to me in my youth - very painful time I think for us, especially without understanding of what we are - very lonely.  We don't have the confidence.  As much as I quite liked the physical aspect of being young.  I wouldn't want to be young again!  I am more at peace with myself at 43 than I have ever been in my life.  I am 'ok'.  I am different but I am OK.  

Yes me too!  I am a nice brand of "crazy, weird, odd".  Well mostly unless someone starts messing about with my children ie not giving them the support that they need and then I'm afraid it can be really hard for me to not be blunt to the point of rude.  That is my biggest struggle.  All six of my children have SEN and disability and it's a constant fight for services.  Highly emotionally charged the whole thing which aggravates my 'bluntness' and 'honesty'.

Lucky for me I've got fairly high IQ so I usually get what I need in the end for them.

I'm not officially diagnosed but awaiting official diagnosis.  To be honest though, the more I come on here the less i feel that it's important that the doctor who will probably be a 'man' needs to rubber stamp me to authenticate it.  I have got this.  I know it, I feel it.  Nothing else has ever made such sense.  I won't let any doctor take that away from me.

The things is with me is that I don't immediately 'look' different.  It's only after spending some time around me that you can tell there's something 'not quite right' lol

I was very attractive when I was young and so 'men' 'boy's wanted me (I'm sorry if that sounds vain, I'm not I'm just over honest and I don't think about how that might appear to others).  I see that sentence looks like vanity or ego but it's not. It's the simple truth.  This is what I do say the truth without considering how people might interpret!  God it's a headwreck all that second guessing what people might think isn't it?  That is the truth, make of it what you will neurotypicals lol

I think that made me feel more regular but I found it difficult to be myself around them.  My husband is a bit odd and I can totally be myself with him - he doesn't bat an eyelid.  He likes my 'oddness' lol  We laugh at odd things and laugh at neurotypical behaviour and the sheer lack of logic to any of it.

I've also been diagnosed with ADHD.  I didn't plan to have six children.  I also didn't 'not plan' either lol  I have impulsive ADHD so maybe that's where it all comes from :O 

I am not a Mary Poppins kind of mother, or cake sale mom, soccer mom, coffee mom - yuk no I am none of those things.  I time going to school just right so that I don't have to talk to those people.  I am a good mum to my children because they all have special needs and so for them I am perfect because I understand them.  3 have ASD, 4 maybe 5 ADHD. 2 are blind, 1 Cerebral Palsy.  They are my 'special interest'

Me and my daughter talk openly about how as an ASD person it's hard work doing all the pretending in front of people.  We laugh, we connect over it.  I never had that.  I was just alone.  She is 11, we laugh about the behaviour of NT people and she knows she's not odd or alone.  She knows that she's not quite the same but she also knows that there are lots like 'us' it's just a case of finding them.  I think I am just the right mum for them - maybe not for regular children, I don't know.  My children are all different in some way.  I adopt an attitude of celebrating difference for them and it's rubbed off on me!

I won't allow or at least I'll do everything in power to make sure they don't grow up feeling the way that I did.

I think it's all exactly as it's meant to be.  It's unfolded exactly as it should have done.

I love this forum.  It's been life changing for me.  I know that sounds dramatic but I mean internally life changing.  The understanding, The identification - it's been like coming onto dry land! 

Ah! Finally! Here are my people!  I am not alone!

I often wonder exactly why I started to realise, in my late 40s, that I'm really not NT. I'm 59 now. The idea that the brain is less'flexible'  makes sense. I reckon I was getting worn out by mimicking too. Then there is the whole business of the radical change in hormone activity. It's a lot to cope with. So much of what you wrote resonates with me,I never had children; I feel like a daft old woman when I'm in shops too!

I am so jealous you actually told your friends not to ring your bell before the appointed time!  That is so briljant!!  As soon as my bell rings I go in a kind of "let it happen mode" - don't know how else to describe it.  The mode I was in pretty much my whole life : let it happen and don't be a nuisance!  I get tired just thinking of how I made it through every day...

Thank you for your kind words!! It is lovely being in touch. 

I'm 45. I don't somehow feel my age - as I feel like emotionally I'm a lot younger. At a time some of my peers are becoming grannies, I am mourning the family life I never got round to creating. Now I have a better understanding of what went wrong.  But it still hurts. 

It is interesting that you say you are less inclined to hide as you get older. I read somewhere it is also more difficult to hide it when you get older - because you lose some of that cerebral flexibility of the youthful brain - so it becomes more difficult to pretend all the time. It is also a great relief not to be young anymore and I cringe sometimes when I see youngsters together on public transport and remember the pain and strain of trying not to do or say something wrong.

Nowadays I often think: "they must think I am a crazy daft lady". And then I tell myself, well someone has to be. In shops I notice I often eccentrically start weird conversations with shop staff and they seem to love it (I am good at connecting with strangers at their level/their personality). I might be crazy and weird, but I am nice crazy and weird I suppose - so I might as well embrace it? (but the other side is, that I often break into stress sweat in those same shops during those same conversations and afterwards need lots of time to recover my composure and stress levels...... so yeah, it doesn't come naturally, even my crazy small talk. 

So I agree, Mumtosix, it is very tiring....and being good enough and perfectly acceptable. Yes, maybe need to get that wisdom tattooed to my hands :-) 

Do you get any support after your diagnosis? Or did you just get diagnosis and then get on with it, you are an adult, deal with it? It must be quite a challenge dealing with a large family?

Bless you, I felt every word of that and each resonated with me and oddly I wanted to give you a hug and I don't do hugs or those horrible kisses on each cheek either! Yuk!

But I felt that genuinely.  

I feel kind of on the outside.  However the good news is that here we find our herd!  I don't like the analogy of the black sheep because of the racial undertones and so that's said with no intention of that . . . do you overthink? I do!  I also have ADHD.

I think the only thing for it, is to keep sharing and keep connecting here because here is the place where you are understood and accepted and you don't have to 'be' anything other than what you are.  What you are is 'good enough' and 'perfectly acceptable'.

I have a husband who accepts me for exactly who I am and that does make it all easier.

I agree that people want to see 'outward signs' which flies in the face of all the hard work I've done to camouflage and conceal!  I don't know how old you are but I've been less inclined to hide since I've got older (I'm 43). I can't be bothered and I don't care anymore.  It's all so very tiring!  

Lovely to hear you share Procrastinator.

It is exactly what I am grappling with at the moment. I told several friends, but now I am freaking out that they told others because of some reactions I got, and I think, they must know. A music teacher made this remark about not knowing how to access my world and that made me think these other students might have told him :( and it makes me feel like less of a human.

I guess I feel vulnerable about not being accepted and doing stuff wrong, I put a lot of effort into people liking me and being sociable. One part of me still thinks: "am I really autistic, do I really have this excuse, is it bad enough"? Another part of me worries: "do I really come across as autistic, even when I put so much effort into being accepted?". Also, I also have ADHD and this is sometimes the opposite of what people expect ASD to be... I really do have both sides and I find it hard to accommodate both sides.

There are also the people who think autism is just a hype like ADHD was and "everyone is getting a label". "There is nothing wrong with you". But I felt equally bad, when a college friend now GP, I hadn't seen for a very long time said very matter of factly: oh good you got the ASD diagnosis, I always thought you had aspergers at uni... I wanted to grab her and squeeze her and say: what did you notice, what did I do wrong, what, why what the ****. But to this day, I somehow can't bring myself to ask, because I can't cope with the answer.

I know people always laugh with and at me for my tendency to do and say things slightly wrong and come up with trivia and go off on a tangent. I feel the healthcare professional think all my medical complaints are just psychological just because I'm autistic (it has been put in the government computer system). It would be interesting in a separate thread to talk about certain ailments that might be typical with ASD females?

I think I have become a bit less strict with myself, so maybe I sometimes behave a bit more autistic? I tell friends now they cannot ring my doorbel a second before the appointed time and tell them they MUST text me if they are more than ten minutes late. And I always arrange a finishing time alongside the starting time e.g. for visits. I time my departure schedules minute by minute on a chalkboard. And embarrassingly I have taken to wearing earmuffs when I go to a tearoom by myself (otherwise I can't read a book) and I I often wear it in trains too. I am a bit embarrassed to wear it on the local buses though, then I might use regular earplugs.

I was pretty annoyed a therapist said my autism wasn't "that bad", making the comparison to the actress of  the series The Bridge who "had it worse", and I felt annoyed, because this figure makes no effort whatsoever to be kind, nice and empathetic. It was enlightening to read in a book that professionals should start appraising autism from the inside out instead of focusing on the manifestation - but that they should take the experiences and stresses into account which are not always visible, especially with chameleon females, who do their best to please and are specialists in superficial social interactions.

But it is true I make less of an effort now sociably. I am more aware of social hierarchy and I will often avoid fraternising with the "socially cool people" because it leaves me feeling wretched afterwards. I take more of a back seat and try not to initiate too much conversation with these people. These kinds of people are the people who look at me most blankly. They somehow don't seem to get me. There are exceptions though.

It is exactly what I am grappling with at the moment. I told several friends, but now I am freaking out that they told others because of some reactions I got, and I think, they must know. A music teacher made this remark about not knowing how to access my world and that made me think these other students might have told him :( and it makes me feel like less of a human.

I guess I feel vulnerable about not being accepted and doing stuff wrong, I put a lot of effort into people liking me and being sociable. One part of me still thinks: "am I really autistic, do I really have this excuse, is it bad enough"? Another part of me worries: "do I really come across as autistic, even when I put so much effort into being accepted?". Also, I also have ADHD and this is sometimes the opposite of what people expect ASD to be... I really do have both sides and I find it hard to accommodate both sides.

There are also the people who think autism is just a hype like ADHD was and "everyone is getting a label". "There is nothing wrong with you". But I felt equally bad, when a college friend now GP, I hadn't seen for a very long time said very matter of factly: oh good you got the ASD diagnosis, I always thought you had aspergers at uni... I wanted to grab her and squeeze her and say: what did you notice, what did I do wrong, what, why what the ****. But to this day, I somehow can't bring myself to ask, because I can't cope with the answer.

I know people always laugh with and at me for my tendency to do and say things slightly wrong and come up with trivia and go off on a tangent. I feel the healthcare professional think all my medical complaints are just psychological just because I'm autistic (it has been put in the government computer system). It would be interesting in a separate thread to talk about certain ailments that might be typical with ASD females?

I think I have become a bit less strict with myself, so maybe I sometimes behave a bit more autistic? I tell friends now they cannot ring my doorbel a second before the appointed time and tell them they MUST text me if they are more than ten minutes late. And I always arrange a finishing time alongside the starting time e.g. for visits. I time my departure schedules minute by minute on a chalkboard. And embarrassingly I have taken to wearing earmuffs when I go to a tearoom by myself (otherwise I can't read a book) and I I often wear it in trains too. I am a bit embarrassed to wear it on the local buses though, then I might use regular earplugs.

I was pretty annoyed a therapist said my autism wasn't "that bad", making the comparison to the actress of  the series The Bridge who "had it worse", and I felt annoyed, because this figure makes no effort whatsoever to be kind, nice and empathetic. It was enlightening to read in a book that professionals should start appraising autism from the inside out instead of focusing on the manifestation - but that they should take the experiences and stresses into account which are not always visible, especially with chameleon females, who do their best to please and are specialists in superficial social interactions.

But it is true I make less of an effort now sociably. I am more aware of social hierarchy and I will often avoid fraternising with the "socially cool people" because it leaves me feeling wretched afterwards. I take more of a back seat and try not to initiate too much conversation with these people. These kinds of people are the people who look at me most blankly. They somehow don't seem to get me. There are exceptions though.

I love the fact that you can totally connect with your daughter and that you are each able to identify with each other...this is your gift...to understand your children...and I’m sure that they love you dearly...x

keep being you...keep fighting those that need to be fought....I hope that it also helps to make you feel empowered..

keep being you girl 

I'll be honest procrastinator there is a part of me that is totally delighted that I am not like 'them'. Yet it all mattered so much to me in my youth - very painful time I think for us, especially without understanding of what we are - very lonely.  We don't have the confidence.  As much as I quite liked the physical aspect of being young.  I wouldn't want to be young again!  I am more at peace with myself at 43 than I have ever been in my life.  I am 'ok'.  I am different but I am OK.  

Yes me too!  I am a nice brand of "crazy, weird, odd".  Well mostly unless someone starts messing about with my children ie not giving them the support that they need and then I'm afraid it can be really hard for me to not be blunt to the point of rude.  That is my biggest struggle.  All six of my children have SEN and disability and it's a constant fight for services.  Highly emotionally charged the whole thing which aggravates my 'bluntness' and 'honesty'.

Lucky for me I've got fairly high IQ so I usually get what I need in the end for them.

I'm not officially diagnosed but awaiting official diagnosis.  To be honest though, the more I come on here the less i feel that it's important that the doctor who will probably be a 'man' needs to rubber stamp me to authenticate it.  I have got this.  I know it, I feel it.  Nothing else has ever made such sense.  I won't let any doctor take that away from me.

The things is with me is that I don't immediately 'look' different.  It's only after spending some time around me that you can tell there's something 'not quite right' lol

I was very attractive when I was young and so 'men' 'boy's wanted me (I'm sorry if that sounds vain, I'm not I'm just over honest and I don't think about how that might appear to others).  I see that sentence looks like vanity or ego but it's not. It's the simple truth.  This is what I do say the truth without considering how people might interpret!  God it's a headwreck all that second guessing what people might think isn't it?  That is the truth, make of it what you will neurotypicals lol

I think that made me feel more regular but I found it difficult to be myself around them.  My husband is a bit odd and I can totally be myself with him - he doesn't bat an eyelid.  He likes my 'oddness' lol  We laugh at odd things and laugh at neurotypical behaviour and the sheer lack of logic to any of it.

I've also been diagnosed with ADHD.  I didn't plan to have six children.  I also didn't 'not plan' either lol  I have impulsive ADHD so maybe that's where it all comes from :O 

I am not a Mary Poppins kind of mother, or cake sale mom, soccer mom, coffee mom - yuk no I am none of those things.  I time going to school just right so that I don't have to talk to those people.  I am a good mum to my children because they all have special needs and so for them I am perfect because I understand them.  3 have ASD, 4 maybe 5 ADHD. 2 are blind, 1 Cerebral Palsy.  They are my 'special interest'

Me and my daughter talk openly about how as an ASD person it's hard work doing all the pretending in front of people.  We laugh, we connect over it.  I never had that.  I was just alone.  She is 11, we laugh about the behaviour of NT people and she knows she's not odd or alone.  She knows that she's not quite the same but she also knows that there are lots like 'us' it's just a case of finding them.  I think I am just the right mum for them - maybe not for regular children, I don't know.  My children are all different in some way.  I adopt an attitude of celebrating difference for them and it's rubbed off on me!

I won't allow or at least I'll do everything in power to make sure they don't grow up feeling the way that I did.

I think it's all exactly as it's meant to be.  It's unfolded exactly as it should have done.

I love this forum.  It's been life changing for me.  I know that sounds dramatic but I mean internally life changing.  The understanding, The identification - it's been like coming onto dry land! 

Ah! Finally! Here are my people!  I am not alone!

I often wonder exactly why I started to realise, in my late 40s, that I'm really not NT. I'm 59 now. The idea that the brain is less'flexible'  makes sense. I reckon I was getting worn out by mimicking too. Then there is the whole business of the radical change in hormone activity. It's a lot to cope with. So much of what you wrote resonates with me,I never had children; I feel like a daft old woman when I'm in shops too!

I am so jealous you actually told your friends not to ring your bell before the appointed time!  That is so briljant!!  As soon as my bell rings I go in a kind of "let it happen mode" - don't know how else to describe it.  The mode I was in pretty much my whole life : let it happen and don't be a nuisance!  I get tired just thinking of how I made it through every day...

Thank you for your kind words!! It is lovely being in touch. 

I'm 45. I don't somehow feel my age - as I feel like emotionally I'm a lot younger. At a time some of my peers are becoming grannies, I am mourning the family life I never got round to creating. Now I have a better understanding of what went wrong.  But it still hurts. 

It is interesting that you say you are less inclined to hide as you get older. I read somewhere it is also more difficult to hide it when you get older - because you lose some of that cerebral flexibility of the youthful brain - so it becomes more difficult to pretend all the time. It is also a great relief not to be young anymore and I cringe sometimes when I see youngsters together on public transport and remember the pain and strain of trying not to do or say something wrong.

Nowadays I often think: "they must think I am a crazy daft lady". And then I tell myself, well someone has to be. In shops I notice I often eccentrically start weird conversations with shop staff and they seem to love it (I am good at connecting with strangers at their level/their personality). I might be crazy and weird, but I am nice crazy and weird I suppose - so I might as well embrace it? (but the other side is, that I often break into stress sweat in those same shops during those same conversations and afterwards need lots of time to recover my composure and stress levels...... so yeah, it doesn't come naturally, even my crazy small talk. 

So I agree, Mumtosix, it is very tiring....and being good enough and perfectly acceptable. Yes, maybe need to get that wisdom tattooed to my hands :-) 

Do you get any support after your diagnosis? Or did you just get diagnosis and then get on with it, you are an adult, deal with it? It must be quite a challenge dealing with a large family?

Bless you, I felt every word of that and each resonated with me and oddly I wanted to give you a hug and I don't do hugs or those horrible kisses on each cheek either! Yuk!

But I felt that genuinely.  

I feel kind of on the outside.  However the good news is that here we find our herd!  I don't like the analogy of the black sheep because of the racial undertones and so that's said with no intention of that . . . do you overthink? I do!  I also have ADHD.

I think the only thing for it, is to keep sharing and keep connecting here because here is the place where you are understood and accepted and you don't have to 'be' anything other than what you are.  What you are is 'good enough' and 'perfectly acceptable'.

I have a husband who accepts me for exactly who I am and that does make it all easier.

I agree that people want to see 'outward signs' which flies in the face of all the hard work I've done to camouflage and conceal!  I don't know how old you are but I've been less inclined to hide since I've got older (I'm 43). I can't be bothered and I don't care anymore.  It's all so very tiring!  

Lovely to hear you share Procrastinator.