Desperate for help please...

Is part of your concern that your daughter's friend is below age of consent?

I would first of all be open with her about your concerns especially about consent. If she's anything like SD16, she is likely to be curious but accepting of rules around such matters.

Secondly, I think you need to touch base with the parents of the other girl and check how they feel about the relationship. If they are onboard with limiting communication it will be easier to do so, but they may also be relieved their daughter has a friend.

Thirdly, this is a time to get clear on no screens after bed time and at meals- AND THAT MEANS PARENTS TOO! ASD kids respond best to just treatment and a ban on screens that only affects them is not OK.

Last of all, is she part of a local support group for adolescents with ASD. If not it's time to get her engaging.

Hi NAS23717,

I do apologise but, from your post, I am not feeling certain that I fully understand what the problem is, so I have offered some general thoughts which I hope may be of use.

I think it’s great that your daughter has found a friend. And girls, when they find a best friend, DO spend every single minute talking to one another, joined at the hip, they can’t do a thing without their friend knowing about it and doing it with them too. They can spend all day together and then, the second they are home, they are talking again on Facebook until bedtime and then texting again after lights out! I have never ever thought of this behaviour as an obsession, only a very usual and common part of (intense) teen friendships.

And teen friendships are intense. The ‘whole world’ is wonderful when they are getting on well, and their ‘whole life’ has ended when they fall out, which is frequent.

I am guessing it’s the age difference which is bothering you most?

Schools like to segregate people into year groups as it makes it easier to process individuals for data purposes in the ‘education machine.’ But in real life, we rarely choose to like or not like other people based solely upon unimportant concerns such as their birth date. In the real world, three years difference is nothing.

And, although it might be nice if your daughter could also make friends at college; I think that, in the confines of her home environment (base life,) just as it is in village life, friendships tend to be more mixed and based on close proximity and shared interests rather than solely age.

So, what is really worrying you about the age gap? Are you concerned this may be a sexual relationship as opposed to a friendship and therefore you are worried about the 14 year olds young age?

Bearing in mind that it’s common for same sex teens to experiment a little with one another. However, I do understand that this experimentation is safest all round when they are both the same age. And complicated by the fact that, due to her ASD, your daughter may not be as emotional mature as her peers and therefore may be the same age ‘emotionally’ as her friend.

If so, do you have good open chats about sex and sexuality with your daughter, what’s appropriate touching and what’s not, what’s friendship and what’s not, the legal age of consent etc.? As, if sex and sexuality are your main concerns, supportively helping your daughter differentiate between friendship and sexual relationships, fully understanding the age of consent and why it is in place, could be a great place to start.

I would therefore do everything I could to positively support this important friendship, while making sure your daughter is keeping herself safe.

Best of Luck.

Thanks Former Member, I was a bit concerned that I was too blunt but I seem to have struck a chord.

More food for thought here: community.autism.org.uk/.../26394

Socks has said in a few words what I probably said in too many.  He gets right to the point, really.  Exactly my thoughts.  Humans are 'supposed' to be social animals, so any behaviour that strays from that norm automatically becomes a cause for concern.  It's why much more discussion, openness and understanding is needed.  Many people on the spectrum must feel like homosexuals felt in, say, the '50s.  Scared to 'come out' for fear of repercussions.   This does untold damage.

She may struggle to get on with people her own age and she actually might be seen as actually achieving something by making a relationship that lasts for more that 5 minutes.

Is she actually obsessed? Is it actually unhealthy? Is there anything untoward going on? Is it possibly innocent and childlike? Autistic people can be slow to mature and develop adult attitudes and behaviours and she may just be demonstrating that to you. Perhaps she needs help and guidance more than anything else?

This shouldn't be about you and your preferences but instead it should be about how she can achieve what she can achieve rather than how she might be seen to disappoint your expectations.

Hi there,

I'm not sure I can help very much, except to give you my own experience (I'm an Aspie, but only diagnosed two years ago after a lifetime of problems).  As a young teen, I never really had any friends.  Mum and dad used to worry about it, I know.  They got me to join a youth club at one point - but I didn't like it and only went a couple of times to please them.  I can say with all honesty that if social media had been available at that time - the early '70s - it would have opened up the world for me.  Now, at 58, I still have no real friends - just a few acquaintances.  All of the people I'm 'close' to are online, on social media sites.  There's this one - but I also use Facebook a lot, where I have friends from around the world whom I've never met and am probably never likely to meet.  They're not superficial friends, either.  They're people on my wavelength in some way.  Fellow writers, artists, Aspies, outsiders (by which I mean people who don't 'fit' with the mainstream, and not just because of ASC).  These are people I can discuss things with in a way I've never been properly able to face-to-face - and not just what I'm having for dinner or what my pets are up to!  I also belong to some special interest FB groups, where I discuss things with peers who may, like me, have autism or associated mental health problems.  Many such people, I find, are like me.  They've struggled with the pressures society places on them - to succeed, to make money, to have a social life, to 'go with the flow'.  Quite a few of them - especially those on the autistic spectrum - have struggled with being made to feel that they have something 'wrong' with them because they don't necessarily go along with these expectations.  For me, finding these people has been reassuring and liberating.  I'm not alone.  I'm not stupid, or strange, or a freak. 

I went all the way through university at 28 and didn't really make any friends.  There's no one from those days that I'm in contact with any more.  It's how it's always been.  Sure, I had hang-ups about it for a long time, which led to depressions.  I didn't understand why I couldn't fit in and be like everyone else.  Gradually, in my 30s, I began to change my thoughts on it.  I became more settled with the person I was.  If people didn't take to me, then so be it.  When I finally got my ASC diagnosis at 56, it put all the pieces together for me.  It was like my final validation as a human being.  There was nothing wrong with me - I was just different.

So much for my own life.  Just offering a perspective, really.  I think I know how difficult you must be finding things with your daughter, and how worrying it must be.  You say you don't have any issues with this other girl, so is it just the age differential?  If I think about it, with the few friends I've had during my whole life - and they've virtually all come and gone - they've either been younger than myself (often considerably) or older.  Have you spoken to your daughter very much about this friendship, and what she gets from it?  Is it really an obsession?  Maybe the two of them simply hit it off.  They think the same way about a lot of things, have the same ideas, hopes, fears, etc.  Maybe your daughter actually gets a lot out of this friendship - and maybe that's reciprocated with the other girl.  I don't know - these are all suppositions and hypotheticals.  Rather than stop her from doing something that might actually be good for her, wouldn't it be better to find out a bit more?  I'm not sure the age gap is really much of a gap, to be honest.  Many younger people can actually be very mature for their years, and many older people can likewise be very young.  I was always, as a child and teen - and, if I'm honest, way beyond those times - quite immature.  I still am quite immature in a lot of ways, I accept that.  I've never really 'grown up.'  I love acting the clown, doing childish things, etc.  I've had girlfriends over the years (they've never stuck around too long, either!) who've said I'd make a great dad because I have such a sense of fun.  I write in my spare time - it's been my obsession since I was 10 - and in many ways I think that immaturity feeds into my writing.  It's like I look at the world in amazement and wonder, as a child would, which enables me to see things that perhaps 'grown-ups' miss.

I'm rambling - sorry.  I'm not sure if this has been helpful in any way.  Clearly, as your daughter has these diagnoses, she has been assessed by psychologists or psychiatrists.  Maybe it's worth having a word with such people, if you can, to see if you have any real cause for concern.  Your daughter may simply grow out of this friendship.  But it may well be something that's not as bad for her as you might think.

Best regards,

Tom