Desperate for help please...

Hi NAS23717,

I do apologise but, from your post, I am not feeling certain that I fully understand what the problem is, so I have offered some general thoughts which I hope may be of use.

I think it’s great that your daughter has found a friend. And girls, when they find a best friend, DO spend every single minute talking to one another, joined at the hip, they can’t do a thing without their friend knowing about it and doing it with them too. They can spend all day together and then, the second they are home, they are talking again on Facebook until bedtime and then texting again after lights out! I have never ever thought of this behaviour as an obsession, only a very usual and common part of (intense) teen friendships.

And teen friendships are intense. The ‘whole world’ is wonderful when they are getting on well, and their ‘whole life’ has ended when they fall out, which is frequent.

I am guessing it’s the age difference which is bothering you most?

Schools like to segregate people into year groups as it makes it easier to process individuals for data purposes in the ‘education machine.’ But in real life, we rarely choose to like or not like other people based solely upon unimportant concerns such as their birth date. In the real world, three years difference is nothing.

And, although it might be nice if your daughter could also make friends at college; I think that, in the confines of her home environment (base life,) just as it is in village life, friendships tend to be more mixed and based on close proximity and shared interests rather than solely age.

So, what is really worrying you about the age gap? Are you concerned this may be a sexual relationship as opposed to a friendship and therefore you are worried about the 14 year olds young age?

Bearing in mind that it’s common for same sex teens to experiment a little with one another. However, I do understand that this experimentation is safest all round when they are both the same age. And complicated by the fact that, due to her ASD, your daughter may not be as emotional mature as her peers and therefore may be the same age ‘emotionally’ as her friend.

If so, do you have good open chats about sex and sexuality with your daughter, what’s appropriate touching and what’s not, what’s friendship and what’s not, the legal age of consent etc.? As, if sex and sexuality are your main concerns, supportively helping your daughter differentiate between friendship and sexual relationships, fully understanding the age of consent and why it is in place, could be a great place to start.

I would therefore do everything I could to positively support this important friendship, while making sure your daughter is keeping herself safe.

Best of Luck.

Hi NAS23717,

I do apologise but, from your post, I am not feeling certain that I fully understand what the problem is, so I have offered some general thoughts which I hope may be of use.

I think it’s great that your daughter has found a friend. And girls, when they find a best friend, DO spend every single minute talking to one another, joined at the hip, they can’t do a thing without their friend knowing about it and doing it with them too. They can spend all day together and then, the second they are home, they are talking again on Facebook until bedtime and then texting again after lights out! I have never ever thought of this behaviour as an obsession, only a very usual and common part of (intense) teen friendships.

And teen friendships are intense. The ‘whole world’ is wonderful when they are getting on well, and their ‘whole life’ has ended when they fall out, which is frequent.

I am guessing it’s the age difference which is bothering you most?

Schools like to segregate people into year groups as it makes it easier to process individuals for data purposes in the ‘education machine.’ But in real life, we rarely choose to like or not like other people based solely upon unimportant concerns such as their birth date. In the real world, three years difference is nothing.

And, although it might be nice if your daughter could also make friends at college; I think that, in the confines of her home environment (base life,) just as it is in village life, friendships tend to be more mixed and based on close proximity and shared interests rather than solely age.

So, what is really worrying you about the age gap? Are you concerned this may be a sexual relationship as opposed to a friendship and therefore you are worried about the 14 year olds young age?

Bearing in mind that it’s common for same sex teens to experiment a little with one another. However, I do understand that this experimentation is safest all round when they are both the same age. And complicated by the fact that, due to her ASD, your daughter may not be as emotional mature as her peers and therefore may be the same age ‘emotionally’ as her friend.

If so, do you have good open chats about sex and sexuality with your daughter, what’s appropriate touching and what’s not, what’s friendship and what’s not, the legal age of consent etc.? As, if sex and sexuality are your main concerns, supportively helping your daughter differentiate between friendship and sexual relationships, fully understanding the age of consent and why it is in place, could be a great place to start.

I would therefore do everything I could to positively support this important friendship, while making sure your daughter is keeping herself safe.

Best of Luck.