Desperate for help please...

Hi there,

I'm not sure I can help very much, except to give you my own experience (I'm an Aspie, but only diagnosed two years ago after a lifetime of problems).  As a young teen, I never really had any friends.  Mum and dad used to worry about it, I know.  They got me to join a youth club at one point - but I didn't like it and only went a couple of times to please them.  I can say with all honesty that if social media had been available at that time - the early '70s - it would have opened up the world for me.  Now, at 58, I still have no real friends - just a few acquaintances.  All of the people I'm 'close' to are online, on social media sites.  There's this one - but I also use Facebook a lot, where I have friends from around the world whom I've never met and am probably never likely to meet.  They're not superficial friends, either.  They're people on my wavelength in some way.  Fellow writers, artists, Aspies, outsiders (by which I mean people who don't 'fit' with the mainstream, and not just because of ASC).  These are people I can discuss things with in a way I've never been properly able to face-to-face - and not just what I'm having for dinner or what my pets are up to!  I also belong to some special interest FB groups, where I discuss things with peers who may, like me, have autism or associated mental health problems.  Many such people, I find, are like me.  They've struggled with the pressures society places on them - to succeed, to make money, to have a social life, to 'go with the flow'.  Quite a few of them - especially those on the autistic spectrum - have struggled with being made to feel that they have something 'wrong' with them because they don't necessarily go along with these expectations.  For me, finding these people has been reassuring and liberating.  I'm not alone.  I'm not stupid, or strange, or a freak. 

I went all the way through university at 28 and didn't really make any friends.  There's no one from those days that I'm in contact with any more.  It's how it's always been.  Sure, I had hang-ups about it for a long time, which led to depressions.  I didn't understand why I couldn't fit in and be like everyone else.  Gradually, in my 30s, I began to change my thoughts on it.  I became more settled with the person I was.  If people didn't take to me, then so be it.  When I finally got my ASC diagnosis at 56, it put all the pieces together for me.  It was like my final validation as a human being.  There was nothing wrong with me - I was just different.

So much for my own life.  Just offering a perspective, really.  I think I know how difficult you must be finding things with your daughter, and how worrying it must be.  You say you don't have any issues with this other girl, so is it just the age differential?  If I think about it, with the few friends I've had during my whole life - and they've virtually all come and gone - they've either been younger than myself (often considerably) or older.  Have you spoken to your daughter very much about this friendship, and what she gets from it?  Is it really an obsession?  Maybe the two of them simply hit it off.  They think the same way about a lot of things, have the same ideas, hopes, fears, etc.  Maybe your daughter actually gets a lot out of this friendship - and maybe that's reciprocated with the other girl.  I don't know - these are all suppositions and hypotheticals.  Rather than stop her from doing something that might actually be good for her, wouldn't it be better to find out a bit more?  I'm not sure the age gap is really much of a gap, to be honest.  Many younger people can actually be very mature for their years, and many older people can likewise be very young.  I was always, as a child and teen - and, if I'm honest, way beyond those times - quite immature.  I still am quite immature in a lot of ways, I accept that.  I've never really 'grown up.'  I love acting the clown, doing childish things, etc.  I've had girlfriends over the years (they've never stuck around too long, either!) who've said I'd make a great dad because I have such a sense of fun.  I write in my spare time - it's been my obsession since I was 10 - and in many ways I think that immaturity feeds into my writing.  It's like I look at the world in amazement and wonder, as a child would, which enables me to see things that perhaps 'grown-ups' miss.

I'm rambling - sorry.  I'm not sure if this has been helpful in any way.  Clearly, as your daughter has these diagnoses, she has been assessed by psychologists or psychiatrists.  Maybe it's worth having a word with such people, if you can, to see if you have any real cause for concern.  Your daughter may simply grow out of this friendship.  But it may well be something that's not as bad for her as you might think.

Best regards,

Tom

Hi there,

I'm not sure I can help very much, except to give you my own experience (I'm an Aspie, but only diagnosed two years ago after a lifetime of problems).  As a young teen, I never really had any friends.  Mum and dad used to worry about it, I know.  They got me to join a youth club at one point - but I didn't like it and only went a couple of times to please them.  I can say with all honesty that if social media had been available at that time - the early '70s - it would have opened up the world for me.  Now, at 58, I still have no real friends - just a few acquaintances.  All of the people I'm 'close' to are online, on social media sites.  There's this one - but I also use Facebook a lot, where I have friends from around the world whom I've never met and am probably never likely to meet.  They're not superficial friends, either.  They're people on my wavelength in some way.  Fellow writers, artists, Aspies, outsiders (by which I mean people who don't 'fit' with the mainstream, and not just because of ASC).  These are people I can discuss things with in a way I've never been properly able to face-to-face - and not just what I'm having for dinner or what my pets are up to!  I also belong to some special interest FB groups, where I discuss things with peers who may, like me, have autism or associated mental health problems.  Many such people, I find, are like me.  They've struggled with the pressures society places on them - to succeed, to make money, to have a social life, to 'go with the flow'.  Quite a few of them - especially those on the autistic spectrum - have struggled with being made to feel that they have something 'wrong' with them because they don't necessarily go along with these expectations.  For me, finding these people has been reassuring and liberating.  I'm not alone.  I'm not stupid, or strange, or a freak. 

I went all the way through university at 28 and didn't really make any friends.  There's no one from those days that I'm in contact with any more.  It's how it's always been.  Sure, I had hang-ups about it for a long time, which led to depressions.  I didn't understand why I couldn't fit in and be like everyone else.  Gradually, in my 30s, I began to change my thoughts on it.  I became more settled with the person I was.  If people didn't take to me, then so be it.  When I finally got my ASC diagnosis at 56, it put all the pieces together for me.  It was like my final validation as a human being.  There was nothing wrong with me - I was just different.

So much for my own life.  Just offering a perspective, really.  I think I know how difficult you must be finding things with your daughter, and how worrying it must be.  You say you don't have any issues with this other girl, so is it just the age differential?  If I think about it, with the few friends I've had during my whole life - and they've virtually all come and gone - they've either been younger than myself (often considerably) or older.  Have you spoken to your daughter very much about this friendship, and what she gets from it?  Is it really an obsession?  Maybe the two of them simply hit it off.  They think the same way about a lot of things, have the same ideas, hopes, fears, etc.  Maybe your daughter actually gets a lot out of this friendship - and maybe that's reciprocated with the other girl.  I don't know - these are all suppositions and hypotheticals.  Rather than stop her from doing something that might actually be good for her, wouldn't it be better to find out a bit more?  I'm not sure the age gap is really much of a gap, to be honest.  Many younger people can actually be very mature for their years, and many older people can likewise be very young.  I was always, as a child and teen - and, if I'm honest, way beyond those times - quite immature.  I still am quite immature in a lot of ways, I accept that.  I've never really 'grown up.'  I love acting the clown, doing childish things, etc.  I've had girlfriends over the years (they've never stuck around too long, either!) who've said I'd make a great dad because I have such a sense of fun.  I write in my spare time - it's been my obsession since I was 10 - and in many ways I think that immaturity feeds into my writing.  It's like I look at the world in amazement and wonder, as a child would, which enables me to see things that perhaps 'grown-ups' miss.

I'm rambling - sorry.  I'm not sure if this has been helpful in any way.  Clearly, as your daughter has these diagnoses, she has been assessed by psychologists or psychiatrists.  Maybe it's worth having a word with such people, if you can, to see if you have any real cause for concern.  Your daughter may simply grow out of this friendship.  But it may well be something that's not as bad for her as you might think.

Best regards,

Tom