About the "How are you?" question

Sorry, it was my attempt at humour ... I am terrible with irony ...

I've never given anyone a Glasgow kiss (doesn't it hurt like hell?) but I have unleashed my inner Weegie (Glaswegian) on more occasions than I care to remember - very effective as I apparently never looked or sounded the part so I had the added benefit of the element of surprise! (What the hell does a Weegie look like anyway? To me it's more of state of mind than a fashion choice.) Ah, memories LOL. Doesn't quite fit with the 45-yr old mother of three image nowadays but I'm hoping to bring it out in my dotage 'When Suddenly I Am Old And Start To Wear Purple' as the poem says.     

I have actually dropped the nut on someone as a greeting. They ran my dog over accidently but when my mom went over they gave her a mouthful of abuse, she didn't even say anything abusive to him. She said it was an accident but he called her a *** because his front spoiler was cracked. Luckily someone saw him do it and told me. Another woman who he told to *** off when she told him to stop swearing at old women. The next time he saw me he said "Sound mate" I said "Nah" then broke his nose. Funny how people will be friendly to men but not to little old ladies who are crying. I also ripped the spoiler off his car.

BTW Begbie is still the same pretty much but the other characters aren't much better than him now.

Having been born and brought up in Glasgow, many moons ago, I can say with some authority that a Glasgow kiss isn't considered a 'Greeting' even in Glasgow!! I think the only time I ever saw it deployed as one was by Begbie in 'Trainspotting' (the original one, haven't seen the new one so I've no idea if his manners improved in the interim). 

It is a question asked to which no one who asks it wants to know the answer.

i usually say something like "I'll do", much to the consternation of neurotypicals. A work colleague many years ago used to give a shopping list of her ailments every time she was asked. 

A book of etiquette I read once  said that the answer to it is to reply the same. So "How do you do" should be answered with "How do you do?" which makes no sense at all and is merely exchanging breath. 

 Different cultures have different ways of greeting besides verbal. Westerners shake hands, give a 'high five' or a Glasgow kiss depending whether they like the person or not. Other cultures may bow, rub noses or stick their tongues out. My preference is just a simple nod and a "Hello". No insincerity in making someone else think I am in the least interested in their health.

Because in most cases I am not!

I used to have a problem with it when I was younger. I'd give inappropriate answers. The too much information type! I sort of got the gist of it by my mid-teens.

I don't have a problem with it. If I ask someone and they generally give an honest indication of how their mood is I know how to be around them. It's a good way of telling how I should be towards someone. I'll do the same. It's actually something I find quite useful.

Excellent! I can substitute Sheldon's "My brain is better than everyone's!!" with "My spinal cord and neurological integrations are better than everyone's!!". It might not have the same ring to it but, I like it!   

Yes.

A positive affirmation of self each time or the self might get lost, squished, hidden down the sofa.

i get “are you ok.l

i always answer honestly...

”no”

”why, what’s wring now?”

well... what’s always been wrong... the powerful disconnect with the true self, humanities loss with itself, and your inabilltity to ask bigger questions and absorb the true answers...all sttarts with “hello, how are you..?”... beyond that is a mystery...as that’s where the conversation seems to falter..,

Endymion said:

I wonder then if my spinal cord is either a shrunken husk or is it so vitally healthy and well oiled that it doesn't require this "two-stroke". Maybe I'm synthesising engine oil and don't need this addition (?).  

As autistic Neuro-Divergent types, our 'spinal cords' and neurological integrations are more integrally resilient, or robust, and hence the narrow range of specialised interests thing.

I wonder then if my spinal cord is either a shrunken husk or is it so vitally healthy and well oiled that it doesn't require this "two-stroke". Maybe I'm synthesising engine oil and don't need this addition (?).  

DragonCat16 said:

It just seems like a lot of effort for no great return on investment, and possible negative consequences if I don't perform well, so I will actually avoid approaching people I know, and make myself look as if I am concentrating on something really important when I see them approaching me, so they won't feel the need to engage in fake and very uncomfortable pleasantries with me.

Well, the investment involves societal procedures and rituals, as allows people to feel that they are a part of the social collective, or at least an aspect of it, but without necessarily having to disclose any personal information.

This involves the 'Game of Together', in Transactional Analysis, with the 'game' being a socially ritualised 'pretence' involving the verbal 'pleasantries' ~ as being stimulation and therefore 'maintenance' of the nervous system. So basically a psychological and a physiological 'keeping-fit' session.

Eric Berne, in his 1964 book, the GAMES PEOPLE PLAY, on pages 34 to 35, described the basics of which as being:

Of more significance as an introduction to game analysis are informal rituals, and among the most instructive are the American greeting rituals.

!A: 'Hi!' (Hello, good morning.)

!B: 'Hi! (Hello, good morning.)

2A: 'Warm enough for ya?' (How are you?)

2B: "Sure is. Looks like rain, though.' (Fine. How are you?)

3A: 'Well, take care yourself.' (Okay.)

3B: 'I'll be seeing you.'

4A: 'So long.'

4B: 'So long.'

It is apparent that this exchange is not intended to convey information. Indeed, if there is any information, it is wisely withheld. It might take Mr A fifteen minutes to say how he is is, and Mr B, who is only the most casual acquaintance, has no intention of devoting that much time to listening to him. This series of transactions is quite adequately characterised by calling it an 'eight-stroke ritual'. If A and B were in a hurry, they might both be contented with a two-stroke exchange, Hi-Hi. If they were old-fashioned Oriental potentates, they might go through a two-hundred stroke ritual before settling down to business. Meanwhile, in the jargon of transactional analysis, A and B have improved each other's health slightly; for the moment, at least, 'their spinal cords won't shrivel up', and each is accordingly grateful.

The person here who asked me a few days ago how I was got my answer and told me to ring someone and probably saved my life. So I'm glad the some people ask it.

Mine would probably be along the lines of

Shattered

Harrrassed

Insecure

Traduced

...or even

Frazzled

Uncoordinated

Cheated

Knackered

Enervated

Depressed

Deepthought said:

Not quite pointless, being that the tonal qualities of the answer serve as an indicator as to whether the answer is actually the case, and if not it allows people to gauge if they and the other person want to further address the underlying issue.

I think I have to disagree with you here. In my experience, 99.9% of the time, people say "how are you" only as a greeting and not as a question. When I was younger and much more naive, I would answer the question honestly, and then I would wonder why the reaction I would get was one of obvious annoyance. Nobody wants to address the underlying issue; they simply want to get on with their day. I suppose the exception would be close friends or family members, but then they would likely say something other than "how are you" as a greeting anyway.

It is true that people make an evaluation of one's response to "how are you", though: if you fail to answer at all, they label you as antisocial and never speak to you again unless they have to; if you reply honestly, they label you as weird, and never speak to you again unless they have to, going so far as actually avoiding you as if you have some sort of communicable disease; only if you respond in one of the approved neurotypical ways (e.g. put on a fake smile and say something very positive in a friendly voice, or return the greeting with exactly the same tone as that in which it was initiated) can you pass the test.

It just seems like a lot of effort for no great return on investment, and possible negative consequences if I don't perform well, so I will actually avoid approaching people I know, and make myself look as if I am concentrating on something really important when I see them approaching me, so they won't feel the need to engage in fake and very uncomfortable pleasantries with me.

Losan said:

I’m now wondering what answer an NT gives? Fine? Do they have as much internal turmoil? 

F = Fragged

 I = Insecure

N = Neurotic

E = Emotional

Can be used as a universal translation for NT's, NA's and ND's :-)

My NT partner seems to mostly ignore the question (which is apparently acceptable) and his answers to "How are you?" (and alternative versions of it) are:

"Where have you been hiding yourself, avoiding the work as usual?"

"Ah, you're just in time for a coffee."

"What's new?"

Answering a question with a question seems to be the way to go! He doesn't stress over anything really and only gets 'slightly ruffled' socially if he doesn't like a person and can't avoid them. In that situation his answer is usually "A'Right?" as he walks past them with a brief nod. I've noticed that he only makes eye-contact with people he likes. I only make eye-contact on days I like people.   

I hate it. My manager asks me every morning. I almost always say fine thanks. I’ll occassionally mention whatever cough or cold I have. Or a weekend activity. 

Never feelings, or the internal turmoil. I’m now wondering what answer an NT gives? Fine? Do they have as much internal turmoil? 

For me, it's just a meaningless exchange.  Like mentioning the weather.  Purely phatic.  Even if my intonation in response might suggest the opposite of 'Fine', or - as I more usually say -  'Okay', it's almost as if the other person decides 'Uh-oh... don't take this any further.'  And so they don't.  Maybe that's because I rarely get beyond a phatic level of exchange with people.

I do ask the question of people who are important enough to ask and I do answer the question with total honesty. If I have asked it it's because I want/ need to know the answer. And I assume that if you ask me it's because you want to know.

I can't stand to be asked it of people who don't know me at all. That doesn't include people in here. The people in here who have asked it although they don't know me in real life do know a lot about me and the people I have asked in here is because I know there is something in their life or health to ask about.

Greetings to California... Making more Threads, which is good to see...!

With regards to the main question, have a gander at this Thread, please, maybe...?

http://community.autism.org.uk/f/adults-on-the-autistic-spectrum/10867/finding-it-difficult-to-express-myself/

The "Throwback" is the thing, there (<> as DragonCat says, here.). It also covers the "Fine, Thank You" business as well. (I only posted once, maybe... and my own opinion has not changed since then.)