Not sure who i am any more

Endymion said:

If you'd just had ANY other diagnosis or if you'd been feeling the way you have for the last however long for ANY other reason, then no-one would question your need to take to bed to deal with it.

I agree completely. In fact I can liken this to when I received my MRI results confirming my ACL was torn. Now, bear in mind by that time I had been told by an MSK person and my chiropractor that my ACL was torn and I had figured it out for myself 3 months earlier, yet when it was undeniably confirmed it hit me like a ton of bricks. There was this wave of emotion that came over me from nowhere and I just wanted to be alone to come to terms with the implications of that diagnosis. I certainly didn’t want to have to start explaining it to others. With time this eased and I began to adjust, but it certainly took me a while.

So in answer to your question Song, no it is not unreasonable of you at all. In fact, I would encourage you to just do what feels right to you at this moment in time. Give yourself time to adjust.

Absolutely not Song! You NEED that time, it's not something you're taking selfishly. ASD is, after all, a 'thing' - illness, condition, whatever anyone wants to name it (I'm scared to use an un-PC term here (!)) 

If you'd just had ANY other diagnosis or if you'd been feeling the way you have for the last however long for ANY other reason, then no-one would question your need to take to bed to deal with it. Women are encouraged to take to bed after childbirth (although when they find the time is beyond me), everyone is with a flu, why would ASD be any different?  

Song said:

So is it not unreasonable of me to curl up and switch the world off?

Of course not. That is just my opinion for one, anyway...

As Martian Tom says - give yourself time. That people are posting here clearly shows that life does not cease after being given an ASC diagnosis.

Before or after switching off however, be sure to eat something and I think I aught to stop writing here now and let someone else say something better maybe...?

Um... Thank You for that answer (it saved me starting a new Thread about it, I think...?).  I honestly had little concept of "masking", yet have read much about it, but it seems to not apply to me because I do not seek out friends or children... and when I am "overwhelmed" by any situation, I become physically Ill. Really.

My life is stuck in Neutral, I would say, but I prefer that, to the alternatives offered... hence what I post upon your 'anything good happen today?' thread: So long as nothing bad happens, then I consider that good (a relief) and that is sort of good...      :-/ 

So is it not unreasonable of me to curl up and switch the world off?

My head is a psychedelic jigsaw puzzle run through a blender. 

That is perfect.

're mental health are you medicated?

My masking is at the moment things like. Getting properly dressed and taking my 16 year old to the dr, being able to list all her medication and talk very sensibly about her mess and problems, go the the chemists and get her drugs, drive home, tell hubby what's been said before I crash into the corner and shake/rock/ cry for an hour or so. Or go into school and have a meeting about her gcse's. Answer the door to a new post person without looking and sounding like a moron. Go to the supermarket without looking and sounding as if I should have a minder. Talking to people when they talk to me. 

Me without a mask at the moment needs someone with me, I can't even organise a cup of tea half the time at the moment.

Song said:

Since I got my diagnosis a few weeks ago,, (aged 51 female for those that don't know me) I'm not sure who i am. I have struggled always, masked most of the time an had catastrophic mental health problems but also raised a family of 5 children got a degree and held a professional job for 20 years untill i became too ill.

I don't know how to be me. How to not mask, I can do all of nothing, mask or curl up in a ball. Stay in bed or up but I'm my nighty or go out and be that ever coping mother/ house wife etc. This is not working for me it messed with my head being the super masked woman, I need to not be her, but how do I be someone else that isn't just a fat blob in a bed rocking.

I'm NOT feeling suicidal at the moment, but there doesn't seem to be a lot of point to it all. 

How do I become me?

Song... give yourself some time.  It takes a while to sink in.  I've gone through the things you mention: catastrophic (and suicidal) mental health problems, a lifetime of struggles, many years of not knowing who the hell I am and why I matter to anyone else.  My head is a psychedelic jigsaw puzzle run through a blender.  But  I have a better understanding now of who I am than I've ever had.  And that self-knowledge has given me a reason to go forwards - a reason I couldn't have had without my diagnosis.  That's what put it all into context for me, and helped me to make sense.

I still get moments of thinking that there isn't any point to it all.  But that just reminds me that not knowing the point is the best reason I have to keep trying to find out the point.

I hope that makes sense.

Take care,

Tom

Greetings, and good answer in my opnion, Miss Endymion.

I was uncertain how to answer, because as far as I know - I have NEVER "masked"...!

Unless by "masking" it is walking away, staring at the ground, or saying nothing... then I have never done so. I always do what I can, and how I feel... which is just to walk away, stare at the ground, etc. etc. etc... (!)

Strangely - or not - I am happier doing this, than trying what I have heard about "masking" (Pretending to be happy, instead of leaving or challenging a situation).

I'm trying to work out which masks (or parts of me, because I think they must be) I like, find enjoyable and / or productive, and keep those ones whilst dropping the ones that feel less 'authentic' (as judged by me in being the most difficult / exhausting to 'wear') or that I either no longer have a need for or that I dislike. 

Is that selfish of me? Absolutely! 

I think we have an absolute right to choose who / what we are and this diagnosis is as good a reason / time as any to embrace that right. Perhaps feeling like you're none of the things / masks you used to be is an ideal clean slate (horrible as it feels right now) from which to start from scratch to re-build yourself?