Not sure who i am any more

Song said:

Since I got my diagnosis a few weeks ago,, (aged 51 female for those that don't know me) I'm not sure who i am. I have struggled always, masked most of the time an had catastrophic mental health problems but also raised a family of 5 children got a degree and held a professional job for 20 years untill i became too ill.

I don't know how to be me. How to not mask, I can do all of nothing, mask or curl up in a ball. Stay in bed or up but I'm my nighty or go out and be that ever coping mother/ house wife etc. This is not working for me it messed with my head being the super masked woman, I need to not be her, but how do I be someone else that isn't just a fat blob in a bed rocking.

I'm NOT feeling suicidal at the moment, but there doesn't seem to be a lot of point to it all. 

How do I become me?

Song... give yourself some time.  It takes a while to sink in.  I've gone through the things you mention: catastrophic (and suicidal) mental health problems, a lifetime of struggles, many years of not knowing who the hell I am and why I matter to anyone else.  My head is a psychedelic jigsaw puzzle run through a blender.  But  I have a better understanding now of who I am than I've ever had.  And that self-knowledge has given me a reason to go forwards - a reason I couldn't have had without my diagnosis.  That's what put it all into context for me, and helped me to make sense.

I still get moments of thinking that there isn't any point to it all.  But that just reminds me that not knowing the point is the best reason I have to keep trying to find out the point.

I hope that makes sense.

Take care,

Tom

Song said:

Since I got my diagnosis a few weeks ago,, (aged 51 female for those that don't know me) I'm not sure who i am. I have struggled always, masked most of the time an had catastrophic mental health problems but also raised a family of 5 children got a degree and held a professional job for 20 years untill i became too ill.

I don't know how to be me. How to not mask, I can do all of nothing, mask or curl up in a ball. Stay in bed or up but I'm my nighty or go out and be that ever coping mother/ house wife etc. This is not working for me it messed with my head being the super masked woman, I need to not be her, but how do I be someone else that isn't just a fat blob in a bed rocking.

I'm NOT feeling suicidal at the moment, but there doesn't seem to be a lot of point to it all. 

How do I become me?

Song... give yourself some time.  It takes a while to sink in.  I've gone through the things you mention: catastrophic (and suicidal) mental health problems, a lifetime of struggles, many years of not knowing who the hell I am and why I matter to anyone else.  My head is a psychedelic jigsaw puzzle run through a blender.  But  I have a better understanding now of who I am than I've ever had.  And that self-knowledge has given me a reason to go forwards - a reason I couldn't have had without my diagnosis.  That's what put it all into context for me, and helped me to make sense.

I still get moments of thinking that there isn't any point to it all.  But that just reminds me that not knowing the point is the best reason I have to keep trying to find out the point.

I hope that makes sense.

Take care,

Tom

My head is a psychedelic jigsaw puzzle run through a blender. 

That is perfect.

're mental health are you medicated?