Black dog

Tom, I think it's only natural that you feel so bad because this is a new experience for you in that you have never had to deal with the mourning process and particularly at this time of the year. To mourn a loved one is hard enough for anyone but for someone on the autistic spectrum it can be overwhelming and all you can do is to get through it as best you can. If your mom was here I wonder what she would say. I guess she would try to comfort you and tell you to look after yourself as much as possible and not put yourself in danger because, after all Tom, you are a part of her and always will be so look at it as honouring your mom and carrying on her spirit and the gifts she has imparted to you.

Tom, I hope you are feeling at least a bit better now. I wanted to reply as you were so kind with your advice when I joined the forum. The anniversary of your parents' deaths is always going to be a hard time. Do you think you might be underestimating the effects of all the problems at work on your mental state though? 

I can only speak for myself here, but when things like that have gone on at my work, it has really knocked me for six. I don't know what anyone is up to, can't work it out, know that people have agendas but I can only try to imagine what they are ..... All of this causes a huge amount of stress and uncertainty. I then get accused of over-reacting, imagining the worst possible scenario etc. All of this has the effect of leaving me drained and hopeless. I only say this because that is how you describe feeling. The psychologist who diagnosed me put it perfectly: "panic and despair", panic because there's all this stuff going on that is probably going to change things, probably for the worse, and there's nowt you can do about it, and despair because you realise that there is nothing you can do, and then feel pretty hopeless. I don't know the fix for this by the way, other than to wait and see what happens (you have little choice on that score I suppose).

My dad said something wise to me last year. He said "just remember, when you get to that stage, that I am 73 years old and 'the worst' has only actually happened about 3 times in my entire life". I try to remember that now.

Give that kitty of yours a big hug, cats are wonderful therapy (I have two). Can you get out in the countryside while you're off work? I find that time in the nature and wide open spaces help when I am feeling lousy. Hang in there, we appreciate your wise words and beautiful writing on here. Sending you a virtual hug ....

Second leave of 10 days in a month - but it's a difficult time of year for me.  Mum passed away on 26th April 2017.  Dad passed away on 7th May 2004.  My birthday was on Saturday, 12th May.  Tomorrow, 16th, is the anniversary of mum's funeral.  Dad's was on 17th.  17th was actually the first date suggested for mum, too, and it would have been so good.  Almost like they were being reunited.  But my brother and his wife were going on holiday on that day!  So it had to be brought forward a day.  Same thing happened with dad, too.  The date was changed because they were going on holiday.  Ah well.  History.

I've never felt this bad.  Even when I last tried to take my life, I didn't feel as bad as this.  I'm empty.  Used up.  I just don't want to do anything.  I don't want to exercise, to write, to read, to go out.  I'm going through the motions - as I do when I'm at work.  Nothing really makes any sense to me any more.

Just my cat.  I'm here for her.  I live to be here for her.  She had a terrible life before I got her.  She has a good life now.  And she keeps me clinging on.  It's a mutual dependency... and little does she realise how much is riding on her continued existence in my life.

If anything should happen to me, I'll make sure she's well taken care of.  She'll have to go back to the rescue centre I got her from - she's adopted - and she'll have what little savings I have.  I know she'll get another good home.  But that's if anything happens to me.  I'm not planning anything.  I don't want to die.  But I see no fun in living.  None at all.  None.  I've burned out.

Robert124 said:

I'm not sure what to do. ????? 

I am still on sick leave with stress as the official reason.

Well, they're breaking the law if they are asking/expecting/cajoling you to work whilst unfit. Do not go back until you have a "fit note" from your GP. 

I'm not too surprised at this, Tom, judging from your posts on here. You come over as a sensitive, bright, fair-minded individual who will not baulk at expressing his disapproval at anything he find immoral and unjust. You undervalue yourself Tom and I can see why others do not and look up to you as a kind of moral leader.

Thanks - but things won't settle back down.  It doesn't work that way.  I've been advised to speak to the deputy concerned, which I will, and then go above her if the situation isn't dealt with satisfactorily. 

I've been speaking with a couple of onside colleagues about this all.  They see the situation as I do, and are both thoroughly disgusted with it all.  And talking to them has been a valuable lesson to me in learning the difference between ND and NT perceptions, and the way we read (or don't read) people.  One colleague in particular is half my age and hasn't been there for as long as I have.  But he gave me a list of 'good' people, and some assessments of some of the others that showed me how wrong I'd understood some behaviours.  For instance, I'd 'assessed' the deputy manager as pretty shallow and superficial - which she is - but also that she was manipulative and controlling.  He maintains she's too naive and immature to be either of those things, and that actually, rather than rounding on me and using her authority to contradict my version of the story, she'll probably be mortified to discover how upset it's made me.  The other onside colleague agrees.  They both think I undervalue my role and position at the place, and that many of the staff look up to me.  They also think that the regional manager, whom I see as more interested in his own power and status, is actually also very respectful of me and my good work, and will probably be interested to hear what I have to say.  One of them thinks he values me above several of the other long-serving staff members.

It's strange, isn't it, that I get none of this.  I feel like an inferior all the time, and that nothing I say or do will count.  Whereas they think I have a more powerful position, and in some senses am a more reliable authority, than many of the others.  And therefore, my complaints will be taken account of and actioned in the appropriate way.  That really has opened my eyes.

Oh, man... this is so similar to the situation I found myself in at the hospital.  When I put in my complaint against the medical secretary who bullied me - and I know very well what I experienced, and knew that other people had experienced it at her hands, too - I was told that she'd also complained about me for harassing her.  The problem was, they closed ranks around her because she'd been there longer (I'd only been in role a month) and had higher professional status, and therefore was more valuable to them as a member of staff.  So the situation was spun in her favour.  But, as part of procedure, I had to have an occupational health doctor assessment before returning to role, and the doctor assessed me as unfit for work for a longer period than the initial 2 weeks I was off.  In the end, it was more like 2 months, and I only returned on the understanding that I no longer worked with this woman again.  This was fine for a while.  But then someone went on annual leave, and I was the person chosen to fill their role temporarily - which would have meant coming back into contact with this woman again.  So I went sick again, and this time didn't go back.  I think it was a clear case of constructive dismissal.  They worked the situation to get rid of me - and they did.

In spite of what you've agreed provisionally with HR, if you don't feel comfortable working with this person again, then they really ought to take account of that.  That seems to me to be an unfair expectation on you.  And personally, if you don't feel up to it, I'd say you need to go back to see your doctor.  Returning in the light of these written complaints isn't going to make things any easier for you - unless the manager is prepared to accept some of the things you've said, and moderate their approach accordingly.  It doesn't sound like it, though, if they're basically prepared to lie in their own statement - to cover their own back, in effect.

I shouldn't worry too much Tom because they know you are very valuable to them and it wouldn't be in their interests to get rid of you. You've shown how you feel and I'm sure they make allowances for you because of your autism so, hopefully, things will settle back down a bit when the smoke clears. You can't control the universe, Tom, none of us can.

Nice to hear from you and sorry to hear that things are not going well.

Here's an update on my situation.

A few days ago I had a meeting with a HR manager at their headquarters.  I explained my side of the story and gave her a written statement.  She explained that the manager I was having difficulties with had also made a written statement with a list of complaints about me and my behaviour.  This turned out to be out of context, fabricated and exaggerated complaints accusing me of bullying her and ranting and raving at her.  In fact it was very similar to what I was accusing her of.

The hour long meeting ended with the HR manager getting me to provincially agree to go back to work next week at the same place with the same people.

I'm not sure what to do. ????? 

I am still on sick leave with stress as the official reason.

Well, the staff meeting wasn't too bad in the end.  The most senior manager present invited questions about the 'ex-manager' situation from the off, and at least he didn't lie by saying she left for personal reasons.  Apparently, good though she was, she was deficient in some vital areas (something I find hard to accept, given her extensive years of experience).  I think the true story is that her face didn't fit.  She came in and saw the problems that needed addressing and did her best to address them - but it rocked the boat with those who are looking after their own interests and have friends in high places.  Plus, there are people connected through relationships, kinships, and friendships outside of work.  The clique has connections all over the place.  You have to be very careful what you say to anyone.  I have a couple of allies, though, who I know I can trust.

Yesterday was a prime example of how it all works - and I really lost my s**t at the end of the day.  I keep picking up on important areas of the work where things simply aren't being done properly - through apathy, incompetence, laziness, or a combination of the three.  But again, the main culprits are 'connected'.  In the final hour of the afternoon, my client had gone home, so I was drafted in to cover for someone ('for a bit') with another client.  Meanwhile, four other 'connected' staff members are sitting around chatting.  There are end-of-day cleaning jobs that need doing, which I can't do because of my responsibility with the client.  This is another area where the gilded ones get away with things.  In the end, most people leave 5 minutes early - including the person who is supposed to be with my client!  And I'm left there working overtime, because his taxi was held up in traffic.  I finally get away 15 minutes late, leaving four late staff behind - any one of whom could have taken over from me, but didn't for the usual reasons!  At that point, I'm red-lining.  I'm close to having a meltdown, which I haven't had for a while.  I'd hit the first stage already by raising my voice and swearing, which raised some eyebrows.  I think they'd always taken me for passive.  It's not far from there before I'm punching walls and kicking things.  When I did go, I pulled the door shut in a way that made the building shake - so I'm sure that'll be mentioned.  I was still seething a couple of hours later.

This is what we have to deal with, isn't it.  Being treated with contempt.  Being put down.

I've had enough of it now.  I'm pretty close to burn-out, anyway.  I'll have my say on Tuesday.  If they don't like it, it doesn't matter.  I won't be there much longer... one way or another.

Well, all you can do for the record Tom is express your views and perhaps in time the your protests will be seen to have been correct. At least you'll have a clear conscience. What others want to do is their affair.

I admire your courage to make a decision. I hope the result is good. Best of luck Tom.

This is a pretty great video. The guy doing commentary isn't a condescending ***, you can tell he's sincere and the quotes are good too. Liked how you got to fit motorbikes into the mix too! 

Well... tomorrow, we have a staff meeting to discuss - with the senior manager present who did the sacking - 'our way forwards.'  The general mood is supportive of the ex-manager.  The problem is, the stand-in manager (who is one of the rare ones who's pleased the manager has been fired) has a clique of friends there - and although they feel the same as I do, they'll support her to protect their own positions.  There's probably 3 of us who will speak out.  I've actually written a personal letter, which I'm going to hand to the senior manager after the meeting - depending on how it goes.  In it, I express my sadness at losing such a good manager.  I also express my disappointment and anger at the fact that we've been told a version of what happened - that she left of her own accord - which doesn't actually tally with the truth.

I'm sticking my neck on the line, but there's little they can really do... except make my life uncomfortable.  Well, if they do, they do.  I know there are enough staff there who'll still support me.

I can't let this lie.  I'm not prepared to be lied to by senior managers and see a good person suffer at her most vulnerable, following the loss of her mother.  The woman is in grief, and they've used that as the reason she's left - or, as the truth is, the reason to sack her because she wouldn't follow their line.

Sometimes, principles are too important.  A test of character is if you're prepared to back up those principles with action.  And, as Susan B Anthony said...

Well done for going in, you are a better person than me

Hi Tom,

I recently went through the same "phase". Is there anything specific in your life that is bothering you? work? home? people? 

For me it was my flat and landlord and with it it became a domino effect and made everything feel horrible. Which made my anxiety sky high. I hadn't been that low in a very very long time. 

It was hard to get out of it but I tried to find what it was that was bothering me and change it as much as I could and then I talked to people. I found my depression and anxiety worked like a balloon. It keeps inflating the more I don't deal with it and it made it much worse. As soon as I started talking to people it started to deflate and it got easier for me to make changes that I needed. 

I also told some of my closest work colleagues including my boss because I wanted them to know about it incase they noticed my work performance decreasing. Just so they were informed and could deal with it in the best way. That might be hard to do though. Does your work have some sort of mental health person you could talk to as well? Or any mental health benefits at work you could take use of?

I don't know if this helps at all but I hope your first day back wasn't too bad and that things might be better than you initially anticipated. x 

Fact of life it may be but it can have a way of getting in the way, as I am sure anyone who prefers to work on the field may sometimes recognise 

I think office politics is just a fact of life and maybe the best thing is to try to ignore it as much as possible and focus on what you can accomplish at work, which in Tom's case is to help others, something I know he has a natural gift for.

Office politics sucks. You lost a good colleague. You are remembering the death of a parent. Work takes it out of us. Plenty of reasons to feel down. Hope things turn round a little soon.

Yes, I think it's a combination of things.  Feeling the loss stronger now that a year has passed.  I just wish I could muster the energy to do things.  I went to bed early last night and slept right through.  Good... but I still don't feel refreshed by it.

There is some sense of solidarity at work, and we have some good people.  Unfortunately, they're outnumbered by the clique that seems to have its hold over the place.